Memories

SilentBlue's picture

I've been thinking about the past quite a bit lately....

Little Memories:

All through elementary school...and high school too I guess, I was paranoid that people thought I was a lesbian. I just felt like I "fit" it so much that I figured everyone would think it. It wasn't a huge deal to me, I just remember thinking it from time to time when other kids would stare at me or look at me for too long(haha same thing I guess!)

CRUSHES

Boy-crushes:

1)Hung out with him whenever I could and thought about him a lot
-Told him I liked him, he told me he liked me....Made me happy, but I really felt no different than just wanting to hang out with him still

2)Lived near me and I consider him to be the best guy-friend I ever had
-he asked me out, I said no. I felt bad about it, but it was like once he asked me out I realized I didn't want to be his girlfriend, I just liked being close to him.

Girl crushes:

My first girl-crush was when I was 9. I really wanted her to be my friend, but I didn't know how to go about doing that. I knew I was attracted to her, but it didn't really phase me for some reason.

...I actually had little crushes before that that I didn't realize were crushes I think....but maybe I'm just twisting it to fit, who knows...
-on my babysitter when I was I don't even know how old
-On these older girls that used to live near me and take me out for walks or to play

Then in older grades I would always try to impress girls that I liked and tried to get them to like me back.

First intense crush:

The first crush I had that made it hit hard that I was really into girls was when I was 14 and just hitting puberty(makes sense)...I thought about her all the time, couldn't wait to see her and cried at knowing I would never have her. I feel really pathetic about this crush too because I never really even talked to her...Just listened to her talk to others and I loved her personality. It has faded away since I haven't really seen her for so long, but it is still there a little. Very pathetic given that she never really knew me and I never really talked to her. I never thought I would feel that way about someone, but I guess that could be because I was always thinking in terms of it being a guy.
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Now:

I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that I don't like guys(in a boyfriend kind of way) and I never really have. When I was trying to force myself to like guys, it just made me more depressed so I've given up trying to "straighten" myself. I am gay. I know a lot of people on here don't think we should feel the need to label ourselves, but I'm the type to over-analyze(^obviously) and don't let it rest until I have figured it out enough to satisfy me. I know I've always liked girls...I never really questioned that, it was just wondering if I liked guys also. I feel so much more content just admitting it to myself that I don't and giving up on trying to force feelings for guys that just aren't there.

WOW!! This is a lot of information, but I felt like getting it down into organized thoughts... God I love this site!

Comments

Adam A's picture

rofl you don't like guys in a

rofl you don't like guys in a boyfriend kind of a way OMG YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!!!! i just wanna eat you up with no salT!!!!

the ghost's picture

Hey,that cool that you are so

Hey,that cool that you are sorting your head out.I love this site too!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt