red eyed troll

Y - GuRl's picture

So I haven't updated for a while.. it's been about a month since the gig, Jamie was there, I saw her for like 5 minutes afterwards. I think I was a jerk coz I didn't really make an effort to talk to her, but she didn't act much different and said she wanted to come visit sometime. So yeah and we just went our seperate ways. Oh yeah and she said she had this huge reply to my (coming out) letter but she couldn't find it, I guess I was kinda dissapointed. She messaged me that nite apologising about not having a chance to talk much and also emailed me bout a week ago saying how she isn't freaked out and thinks it's awesome and said I could talk to her about things if I needed to. Brief but nice, but I haven't replied yet.. but hopefully I will, but I'm not sure how much stuf I wanna share with her. It's not that I don't trust her, I jus dont wanna dump a whole lot of stuf on her. I mean even when we were good friends, we hardly ever had a big d&m. Maybe I'll jus ask her about her other queer friends? I really need a bunch of friends I can relate to right now..

In other news, Timmy was over for the weekend and trimmed the shaved part of my dykey haircut because it was getting a little long, so now it's a really short number 1 and it's awesome. When my sister saw it she goes "It looks really dykey now." I was like "cool". She goes "Are you a dyke..?" Me goes "Yeah why not". She says "Next you're gonna bring home a butch girlfriend". Haha and I was thinking 'yeah I wish'. Yesss I so totally told her I was a dyke. But I guess I don't like the way she says that stuf in a negative sense, it makes me slide right back into my closet. I know she isn't seriously homophobic, but it might be different if she discovers the real me.

Oh and another thing that was running through my mind all weekend. Yes the age old oasis question of "Who am I?" At the moment I don't feel comfortable with any label because who I'm attracted to varies and I'm pretty content with going with the flow and not caring too much about my feelings towards either sex. BUT when people need to have a label for you, it's weird. When I came out to Timmy, all I said was I like girls. I never mentioned anything about not liking guys or anything. So his ego says to him 'The only reason why she doesn't like you is because she's a lesbian and would never be attracted to a male'. Unfortunately I know I'm physically attracted to guys occassionally, I'm just not attracted to him in particular. The thing is, should I explain to him the truth or should I just avoid hurting his ego? But if he knows I still like guys, I don't want him to think he has a chance with "turning" me. I guess he just doesn't understand that sexuality isn't black and white. It's hard enough spending so much time trying to understand yourself, why do we need to explain it to someone else?

Comments

SilentBlue's picture

I know what you mean on wanti

I know what you mean on wanting more friends to relate to. Its cool that your friend reacted positively to your coming out though! Woo hoo! I wouldn't worry too much about what your sister says thats negative about gayness. Usually if people don't get that intense hate look in their eye while saying stuff like that, they're just saying it just to say it pretty much....everyone else does.

The "Who am I?" question....Is it possible to ever truly be answered?