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the ghost's picture

Warning!This is going to be a whiny,unhappy post.I'm just making that clear from the start incase you
happen to read it and get to the end thinking-jeeze that was depressing,why did I read it?

I feel so sad today,and yesterday I was just so happy and gleaming.They have been two days in sharp
contrast to each other.I start my first year in college this week,and yesterday when I was talking
about it I was so happy and excited.Telling everyone,including myself how great it is going to be,and
how it is a fresh start,and so on and so forth.But to be honest I think everyone except myself bought
into that idea.Truthfully I am so scared about the whole thing,and deep down inside,when I was being
all happy and enthusiastic,I knew that, but my bravado was enough cover for me to convince myself
for a little while that I'm not scared.

When I woke up this morning it hit me full force that I start in a couple of days,and I just started to
panic.I finished school two years ago but I took some time off to work while I figured out what I
wanted to do with my life.Now that I have decided and I'm actually going I'm terrified!I am extremely
shy,so, I am scared I will find it hard to mix with people.I am worried that I will not be able for my
course,it frightens me that I doubt myself so much.If I was to list everything I am scared of I would
be here all week.One positive thing is that my college have a GSA,but I will probably be too scared
to join.

My mind just feels like a tangled mess at the moment and it is probably a really bad way to start off,
but I am just running around in circles.I know that I am bisexual,but on the much closer side to
lesbian.Of that much I am sure,and I just want to tell some people so badly but on the other hand I
am so scared.So I feel like I am stuck in limbo.I decided to tell one of my friends the next time
I see her but I am not going to be able to see her for a while,so that doesn't really help.

I spent some time with one of my closest friends this evening.We were just chilling out,messing around
on the computer,and I wished so badly that I could talk to her about it.I have known her my whole life
but I just did not know where to start.Or if she would understand.She has a great boyfriend and she is
so happy,and while she was telling me loads of stuff about him I just wished I could be the same as her
and not have all this gay stuff.Just feel like everyone else and be happy.

I know that I need to just pull myself together but somehow I just cannot seem to.It has been a while
since I have felt so unhappy.Things had been getting a little better.For a fleeting moment today I
thought about how good it would be to just die.Its been a while sinc e I thought like that,but I don't
feel so low to actually go through with it.I guess I just feel sad in my scared tangled mess that is
my life.

Well thats it for now.There is so much other stuff dragging me down but I just can't keep typing.I
warned you that it would be a gloomy read.I didn't write to get sympathy and be all like pity me,I
just wrote it because I needed to release some of my tangled scared emotions somewhere.The end(for now).

Comments

ForeverEndedToday's picture

Rants help with frustration.

Rants help with frustration. Dont worry about college or any of that other stuff just let what happens happen.

"Who says that there's a soul?
Just let me be..."

Y - GuRl's picture

aww

Hopefully you're just having one of those "I feel like shit" days which come around out of nowhere and hit you real hard. I really hope it passes quickly :] Sometimes the stuf we worry about don't end up turning out so bad in the end so try to focus on the good things for now yeah.. like potentially meeting hotties at college? hehe, what are you gonna be studying btw?

If you're thinking of coming out to your friend, try testing the waters first, bring up gay related stuf and see how she reacts. Good luck with that mate!

the ghost's picture

Hey

Thanks I feel a little better today.I'm going to be studying computer science.I'm a geek at heart,hopefully there will be some hot computer geeks too.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt