Warning!This is going to be a whiny,unhappy post.I'm just making that clear from the start incase you
happen to read it and get to the end thinking-jeeze that was depressing,why did I read it?
I feel so sad today,and yesterday I was just so happy and gleaming.They have been two days in sharp
contrast to each other.I start my first year in college this week,and yesterday when I was talking
about it I was so happy and excited.Telling everyone,including myself how great it is going to be,and
how it is a fresh start,and so on and so forth.But to be honest I think everyone except myself bought
into that idea.Truthfully I am so scared about the whole thing,and deep down inside,when I was being
all happy and enthusiastic,I knew that, but my bravado was enough cover for me to convince myself
for a little while that I'm not scared.
When I woke up this morning it hit me full force that I start in a couple of days,and I just started to
panic.I finished school two years ago but I took some time off to work while I figured out what I
wanted to do with my life.Now that I have decided and I'm actually going I'm terrified!I am extremely
shy,so, I am scared I will find it hard to mix with people.I am worried that I will not be able for my
course,it frightens me that I doubt myself so much.If I was to list everything I am scared of I would
be here all week.One positive thing is that my college have a GSA,but I will probably be too scared
My mind just feels like a tangled mess at the moment and it is probably a really bad way to start off,
but I am just running around in circles.I know that I am bisexual,but on the much closer side to
lesbian.Of that much I am sure,and I just want to tell some people so badly but on the other hand I
am so scared.So I feel like I am stuck in limbo.I decided to tell one of my friends the next time
I see her but I am not going to be able to see her for a while,so that doesn't really help.
I spent some time with one of my closest friends this evening.We were just chilling out,messing around
on the computer,and I wished so badly that I could talk to her about it.I have known her my whole life
but I just did not know where to start.Or if she would understand.She has a great boyfriend and she is
so happy,and while she was telling me loads of stuff about him I just wished I could be the same as her
and not have all this gay stuff.Just feel like everyone else and be happy.
I know that I need to just pull myself together but somehow I just cannot seem to.It has been a while
since I have felt so unhappy.Things had been getting a little better.For a fleeting moment today I
thought about how good it would be to just die.Its been a while sinc e I thought like that,but I don't
feel so low to actually go through with it.I guess I just feel sad in my scared tangled mess that is
Well thats it for now.There is so much other stuff dragging me down but I just can't keep typing.I
warned you that it would be a gloomy read.I didn't write to get sympathy and be all like pity me,I
just wrote it because I needed to release some of my tangled scared emotions somewhere.The end(for now).