arg--when will i learn that public high school is not for me?

the mouse that roared's picture

Never, apparently. Or rather, I already learned, yesterday, but it's a bit too late to take Walnut Hill up on their offer.

Two days ago, I was a disturbingly happy, content person who was developing her confidence and self-identity. Now I am exhausted, feel like crying five times a day, and have no desire to do any of the work or activities set out in front of me.

This summer, I talked to practically everyone at work (60 racially/economically diverse kids) at least once. At my homogenous high school, who do I talk to? Five or ten friends. Maybe. And I can't feel sure of any of their attentions for long stretches of time. I'm worried about making small talk with my classes. I thought that this year I could just break down the walls around me, but I can't. That, coupled with exhaustion and altogether too much for two of me to do, is making me miserable.

I seriously cannot take this anymore. It is my senior year and I will be out in nine months (minus two days) and I am under complete surveillance by colleges that would like to add me to their glossy brochures, and I cannot do another day.

To think that I chose this over the lesbian poets.

Comments

jojojo's picture

hugs

O I feel with you.
Please believe and trust and respect yourself. Remember the better experience of your work and the people with whom you walked there. And if you feel terrible around the people in your high school, and/or if you simply can't relate to them, remember that this is not because you are wrong. It is because this is the wrong surroundings for you. You are a wonderful person, and I love your writing.
Maybe it helps if you think of the small talk with your class mates as an exercise, nothing important, you maybe don't care too much about the people anyway, you just practice how to deal with terrible situations, trying to get better skills in that.
And cherish your memories as well as plans for a better time in the future. I am sure you can have a better place and time in college.

So is Walnut Hill an art college by/for lesbian poets??

Love and strength

the mouse that roared's picture

Thanks :)

Walnut Hill is a school where people go to intensively study one of the artistic disciplines: visual arts, ballet, music, theater, and creative writing. I went to camp there a summer ago and was invited to go to school there for creative writing. I agonized and decided against it, then applied that year for my senior year. For the second time, I decided not to go. But I did go for a visit, and 9 out of 10 of the girls in the writing studio were queer.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day