I am so down right now. I wish I could sequester myself away down today. I am not open to "advice" down today. I am leave me the fuck alone down today. Tomorrow will hopefully be better.
I think that I have decided to transfer colleges because the one I'm currently at is not living up to my expectations and is pushing me deeper into debt than I feel I should be. I need more diversity and opportunities than I'm currently being presented with here at Mills.
I can't be upbeat all the time and I can't keep my mouth shut when I have a problem with something. I don't want to be told how to dress or how I should act. I want to be able to just say fuck it and do what I please without getting looked at like I'm crazy. I'm tired and I'm unhappy and I don't like getting up to go to my classe. I'm not impressed with the college experience that I am recieving here at Mills, and it's not for lack of trying. I wanted to come here and I worked my ass off to get here...and now I've found that it's not what I was led to believe.
I don't think I could spend four years here and come out a better person for it. So, I'm going to look into transferring to a nearby CSU...and if I can't take my credits with me so be it. I feel stuck and I'm unhappy and I do not need to be told that I shouldn't slouch.
I feel so much pressure to conform to some standard of femaleness or to risk being stereotyped even more. It's so strange here, an unpleasant kind of strange that doesn't allow me to experiment or embrace new things, but rather has the old being forced down my throat. I feel so limited.
So, I'm down today, just really down. I'm so tired and I'm so lost and I need comfort and someone to listen to me and understand without thinking that they know better and trying to tell me that I'm wrong. This isn't the place for me.