In a week, it will be six months since I joined this site, so I thought I would update seriously rather than my usual blathering on comedically while everyone rolls their eyes.
So, six months. When I joined this site, I was one hell of a confused cookie. I didn't know what was up and what was down and whether I wanted flesh kebab or bearded clam, to put it nicely.
Just to recap, I'm the one who came out of a 9 month relationship with a crazy girl thinking I was straight, mostly because she was crazy. It wasn't until six months ago I began to suspect I had had that relationship for a reason, which is a little sad. Denial is a powerful thing.
As I stated in my last entry, yes, I am gay. Perhaps not completely 100% gay, perhaps 95%, but yes, I consider myself a lesbian as sexually I think a male would do about as much for me as a doorknob.
I visit this site almost daily, and read entries, even if I don't update my own journal particually often.
I like following what is going on with everyone else, cos as cliched as it sounds, it is good to know there are people going through the same thing, and that they come out the other end okay eventually.
My favourite thing about Oasis is actually Jeff's comments on certain people's entries. His humour is subtle but scathing and it makes me laugh :D Please continue in this manner, Jeff.
It is my 18th birthday in 2 days, another monumentous thing in my little life. On Saturday, I am holding a large hall party, which I am sure will be a riot, knowing my friends. It is fancy dress, and Sargent Sexy, Naughty Nun, French Maid, Playboy Bunny, Sizzling Fireman, and Gay Policeman are only a few of the 70 creative costumes that will be donned that night (in front of my parents might I add, oh dear).
Despite the fact that I am finally about to become an adult, I am not looking forward to it all that much. I feel like everyone at that party aside a select few I have come out to (my closer friends) will be celebrating the life of a person who doesn't exist. With my not so close friends, I don't mind so much, but my friends and my family, I really do.
I am not the person they think I am, which bugs me. This year, my last year of high school, was meant to be one of the best of my life. Instead it has been full of confusion and anger. It is disappointing that now that I finally know who I am, I have to hide it. I don't like that I don't have the balls to speak up for GBLTQ people when they are put down by my Mother, or teased by my Father. I do not like that I am unable to
contribute to a conversation about gay marriage without getting shot down for speaking my beliefs.
Most of all, I am just sad about the distance between myself and my family. I've always been different from them, and never been able to quite put my finger on why. Now I know, and it has made our already not-so-close family drift apart even more, although they obviously don't know why.
Now I know ya'll are sitting there thinking "Uh.. come out then dickwad...". And believe me, I'd like to, but I am moving to another city for university in February so I will definately be relying on parents finanically next year, since I am unable to get a benefit due to my parents income being above the limit (how crap is that? Just because they have money doesn't mean they're going to give it to me!). I have enough of an inkling of their attitudes towards gays to justify thinking that telling them would possibly end our relationship all together - and my chances of getting a good degree and a good job.
Also, there is a very negative attitude to gays in my town in most especially in my form at school. I have 7 weeks of school left ever, and then some very tough exams since I am doing scholarship subjects. Having the added pressure of a bunch of dickhead neanderthals on my back all the time would do nothing for my results, which need to be good.
So, coming out isn't an option. To look on the brightside, in another 6 months I'll be moving to a new city.. I can't wait for then. But for now, I'm going to continue being cynical and pissed off a lot of the time I guess.
Ah, depressing. I hate depressing journal entries and here I am making one. Crap. I will go write a happy song :)