Serious Entry, for once.

Sarah6824's picture

In a week, it will be six months since I joined this site, so I thought I would update seriously rather than my usual blathering on comedically while everyone rolls their eyes.

So, six months. When I joined this site, I was one hell of a confused cookie. I didn't know what was up and what was down and whether I wanted flesh kebab or bearded clam, to put it nicely.

Just to recap, I'm the one who came out of a 9 month relationship with a crazy girl thinking I was straight, mostly because she was crazy. It wasn't until six months ago I began to suspect I had had that relationship for a reason, which is a little sad. Denial is a powerful thing.

As I stated in my last entry, yes, I am gay. Perhaps not completely 100% gay, perhaps 95%, but yes, I consider myself a lesbian as sexually I think a male would do about as much for me as a doorknob.

I visit this site almost daily, and read entries, even if I don't update my own journal particually often.
I like following what is going on with everyone else, cos as cliched as it sounds, it is good to know there are people going through the same thing, and that they come out the other end okay eventually.

My favourite thing about Oasis is actually Jeff's comments on certain people's entries. His humour is subtle but scathing and it makes me laugh :D Please continue in this manner, Jeff.

It is my 18th birthday in 2 days, another monumentous thing in my little life. On Saturday, I am holding a large hall party, which I am sure will be a riot, knowing my friends. It is fancy dress, and Sargent Sexy, Naughty Nun, French Maid, Playboy Bunny, Sizzling Fireman, and Gay Policeman are only a few of the 70 creative costumes that will be donned that night (in front of my parents might I add, oh dear).

Despite the fact that I am finally about to become an adult, I am not looking forward to it all that much. I feel like everyone at that party aside a select few I have come out to (my closer friends) will be celebrating the life of a person who doesn't exist. With my not so close friends, I don't mind so much, but my friends and my family, I really do.

I am not the person they think I am, which bugs me. This year, my last year of high school, was meant to be one of the best of my life. Instead it has been full of confusion and anger. It is disappointing that now that I finally know who I am, I have to hide it. I don't like that I don't have the balls to speak up for GBLTQ people when they are put down by my Mother, or teased by my Father. I do not like that I am unable to
contribute to a conversation about gay marriage without getting shot down for speaking my beliefs.

Most of all, I am just sad about the distance between myself and my family. I've always been different from them, and never been able to quite put my finger on why. Now I know, and it has made our already not-so-close family drift apart even more, although they obviously don't know why.

Now I know ya'll are sitting there thinking "Uh.. come out then dickwad...". And believe me, I'd like to, but I am moving to another city for university in February so I will definately be relying on parents finanically next year, since I am unable to get a benefit due to my parents income being above the limit (how crap is that? Just because they have money doesn't mean they're going to give it to me!). I have enough of an inkling of their attitudes towards gays to justify thinking that telling them would possibly end our relationship all together - and my chances of getting a good degree and a good job.

Also, there is a very negative attitude to gays in my town in most especially in my form at school. I have 7 weeks of school left ever, and then some very tough exams since I am doing scholarship subjects. Having the added pressure of a bunch of dickhead neanderthals on my back all the time would do nothing for my results, which need to be good.

So, coming out isn't an option. To look on the brightside, in another 6 months I'll be moving to a new city.. I can't wait for then. But for now, I'm going to continue being cynical and pissed off a lot of the time I guess.

Ah, depressing. I hate depressing journal entries and here I am making one. Crap. I will go write a happy song :)

Yours Lesbianily,
Sarah6824

Comments

jojojo's picture

Hey Sarah6824, that was a

Hey Sarah6824,

that was a nice entry. It makes me want to write my own, also reflecting upon the change since I first came to Oasismag. But not much time now. but well, anyway, I found Oasismag maybe 7 months ago, and quite soon I was addicted in the sense that I went there every day (sometimes several times). Now I've been coming here less frequently. ANd also for me A LOT has changed. I agree that it is nice to read what other people write, especially if they are nice and you can relate and they write well :-)
ANd I also find it nice to give advice. Like, not that I am myself 100% fine and without problems, but still, in some situations I feel like I can give advice, (or at least share my experiences), and that also helps myself a lot.
I think I remember your first posting (or one of your first postings), where you asked people for help to find out what you are, pretty desparate. Some people advised not to obsess about labels, but you replied that you can"t "not care about labels", but that you needed to know what you are. ANd then, I think I again advised you to not care too much about labels :-) At least I think that was you, but I'm not completely sure.
For me, a lot has changed in the past half of a year. THe most important realization I made is: I should actively do something to surround myself with some queer community. THere is no moral authority in the world which happens to make up my surroundings if I simply sit back and wait for my life to happen.
When I sadly and painfully noticed that there was not really any queer student community in my college world, I at least met one other gay student, and together we started to set up an LGBT student association. ANd this has been great for me. It has helped me A LOT and made me a lot more confident. It is maybe the extreme form of "not sitting back and waiting for my life to happen". There were also many painful moments, but now, looking back I am happy.
I think regarding my parents, I am luckier than you are. I've been kind of out to my parents for a few years, and there was never any danger of them disowning me. Yet, my being lesbian has always been a separating factor too. For the past few years, though, this factor was hardly noticable, because I neither had a girlfriend, nor dated any girls, nor did I go to any lesbian activities, nor did I ever talk about anything related to being a lesbian. Now, that things have changed in some of these respects, the distance which it creates between me and my parents has again become more obvious. But at the same time, I think it has also started a little bit to get smaller. I mean, I dislike talking to my parents about, for example, my LGBT organizing because whenever I bring it up my mother will frown or make a dismissive comment. But at the same time, I think as I continue talking to my parents and stubbornly try to ignore or refute their negative comments (actually mostly my mother's), they are increasing their understanding. ANd luckily I know that they care about me as much as I care about them, so it is also in their interest to overcome that split. I am better at working on overcoming that split, but ultimately they have to make a move. And if they don't, it will be their loss as well. But I think they are moving already, and if only a tiny little bit.
I hope I am not depressing you by describing my parent situation when yours seems so much worse.

O by the way: I also think denial is a powerful thing. ANd I have myself as an example for that claim. At age 12 I wrote in my diary: "Today I fell in love. But it is with a woman."Some time later I corrected myself, writing that I had not really been in love. Then, a couple of years later, I apparently had a crush on a friend of mine, and I reflected in my diary: "Hm... what is that... I am constantly thinking of her... and so forth... and if I were a boy, I'd definitely say 'I have a crush on her'. Does that mean I am a lesbian?" I even asked that question. But somehow the conclusion I came up with was No. But now comes the the unbelievable manifestation of denial: When I finally, at age 16, met and got involved with my ex-gf, I did not remember that I had ever before "questioned my sexuality", as they say. I mean, luckily by then I was far enough to actually allow it to happen that we got involved. But I always thought of it as a particular coincidence. Like, if I had not met HER, who knows if I had ever departed from heterosexuality. And when people asked when I first realized or even suspected I was a lesbian, I always said "age 16", with great certainty. I had completely repressed those earlier thoughts. (Only thanks to my old diaries, which I read a few months ago, I reconstruced the story as I write it to you now.)

I wish you lots of strength for the path you take.
yours lesbianily,
jojojo

Sarah6824's picture

You probably won't find this

You probably won't find this now since it is off the front page, but thankyou for the lovely comment :)

I love the way every one of us has such great stories to tell, and how even though we are all so different we have such a sense of comradeship :D

Thanks again!

jojojo's picture

I found this

Of course I found this because I was scrolling through the old journal entries to see if you had written back :-)

Thank you too, and it's true what you write about the stories here, and the differences and the comradeship. I love that too.