A lot of the same stuff as before

the ghost's picture

Hmm I have been trying to avoid writing a journal entry because I am so down this week, and everytime I make
a journal entry I am always all sad and stuff. I do have good days, even good weeks, I swear. They just seem
to be few and far between at the moment. Well I guess I should start off this journal entry by explaining
what happened after the panic I had in my last entry, I don't mean to be big headed by presuming anyone
will care, I just want to have some continuty in my ramblings on here.

Well basically my brother in law found some stuff on my computer that would have given him a good indication
of my sexuality, but he doesn't know that I know. Since it has happened he hasn't mentioned anything about
it to me. He has been totally normal like he always has been with me which is a really good thing! So I am
greatful for that. But I don't know if he knows and doesn't have a problem with it or he hasn't actually
copped on. Basically what he saw was my youtube account with loads of lesbian themed films saved as my
favourites. I don't know if I over reacted about him seeing it or if it was enough for it to out me to
him. I just completely paniced when I knew he had seen.

After my really big panic about it was over, it made me actually realise what a relief it could be to
actually come out. The more I have come to accept my sexuality in the last few months and weeks, the harder
it is to hide it it seems. It is starting to bother me more and more that I am hiding it. Most of my friends
have boyfriends and are so happy and in love, amd I am happy for them, but I just wish that I could be myself
and be happy too. I hate lieing to them. It feels as though my life is on hold while I wait to come out, and
to be honest I am not sure what I am waiting on anymore. Before I kept telling myself that I had to be sure
before I said anything, but now I am sure what I am and it feels like it is starting to choke me.

I was out with my friends the other night, and one of my friend's, friends kept hitting on me and my friends
kept telling me to go for it, and all I could think of was How am I going to get out of this? My friends
actually thought that I had become really quiet because I was really drunk and sleepy but I was actually
fairly sober but just really depressed about the whole situation. I feel like I am sort of a stranger to my
friends. They don't know about this part of me, and it is my fault. I have the power to tell them. Its up to
me. On top of everything else my friend whom I like a LOT was there with her new boyfriend and it was
so damn depressing to see them all cuddled up together. I was just wishing it was me holding her. The
optimist in me was holding out a tiny bit of hope that maybe she would feel the same way as me, but seeing
her with him just completely dashed that dream. Then she dragged me up to dance with her and she was messing
putting her arms around my neck and pulling me close which felt nice but at the same time I just wanted to
cry because it was like showing me what I can never have.

I have been trying not to see a lot of her, to try get over it,but then I'm so miserable not seeing her
because she is my best friend and makes me so damn happy. Arrgh it sucks. I almost told her on msn one night
that I am gay but then I got scared and backed out. Also I'm not sure that it is a good idea to tell her
since I like her so much it may be awkward.

It all just sucks, and on top of that one of my friends in college informed me today that she thinks most of
my class hate us. I was like WTf? I have not done anything to offend anyone one. Now I'm scared I am going
to turn into the person I was at school. I was shy and people picked on me for no valid reason. Then I
worked for a couple of years, met some great people and really broke out of my shell. Now I am back in
college I am reverting to the old shy bullied me dammit. And I had been loving it up to this. I guess I just
got some much on my mind right now I can't deal with anything.

Well that was really waffley and long, but it was good to vent.Thanks for reading if anyone has, and I am
sorry for being such a moany little bastard everytime I'm on here.

Comments

RecentlyBeingMe's picture

Aren't we all. You should tel

Aren't we all. You should tell your friends though if theire good friends they'll just accept you. Just, I'd not tell your mate you liked her (just yet) might be a bit too much information to take on at once, but if you told them/her, it would be overwith and they'd might be grateful for you being honest with them. Know it didn't help much, but it's true.

Well, if they hate you you can't do much about it, why should you care really? My classmates hate me too, (pretty openly gay) but they probably wouldn't like me anyway, so I'm just thankful for the friends I already have, becuse tehy're all that matter!

the ghost's picture

...

Thanks!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

SilentBlue's picture

THAT was being a moany bastar

THAT was being a moany bastard?! Hoo...I wonder what that makes me! heheh! If you're sure of where you stand right now and ready to come out you should go for it! I agree with holding back on telling her you like her for now though. It sounds like you guys are tight so she'll probably accept you for who you are and be fine with it. If you do decide to come out I hope it goes well!! Good luck!