utter_insanity's picture

Okay, I have just decided that I am absolutely sick of pining over my crush from afar and I want to come out to her, or at least find out her opinion about gay people. But considering we're both in middle school and she probably doesn't know what to think about queers, I need some advice on whether or not to do it. And some advice on HOW to do it would be good, too. (I'd actually prefer the second one.)

I could also use some tips on boosting self esteem. I am feeling so bad about myself at the moment that it's not even funny. Heh. And I was in such a good mood yesterday, too. Argh. How can things turn around just like that?

So...advice. Please. NOW.


jojojo's picture

Dein Wunsch ist mir Befehl, a

Dein Wunsch ist mir Befehl, as we say in German. (means: "your wish is a command to me", it's mostly used ironically)

so my advice....

think about your goal first: Do you want to come out to her, or do you just want to know if she's a homophobe or not, or do you want to know if she's lesbian or not??
I would advise to come out, but well, I would almost always advise that... What could you lose? A dream. It could turn out well or not so well, but then at least you have a reality. I hate to have all kinds of scenarios in my head, and if you keep them locked in your head, they develop a life of their own and can really get to you (this is my experience). It is better to have a reality.

as to HOW... don't know. it depends on what you want. If you want to come out... If she's a friend of yours, you could do somethin g like "Hey, do you have some time, I wanted to tell you something." If you are not that close, maybe a casual coming out is better. E.g. talk about a book you liked, and tell her what it is about, like "It's about this girl who falls in love with her best female friend" ... and then keep an active role in the conversation that follows. Or if you like a queer group (music), you could ask her what music she likes, and then she asks you back, and you say their name, and - assuming she doesn't know them - explain "they are a lesbian punk band" or whatever they are.
Or bring up Oasismag or some other queer thing in your life. when she asks you: "and what did you do yesterday?" say something like "spent hours on the internet... I am a member of this great online forum Oasismag... have you heard of it? No? O you should check it out... it's an online community for queer youth and for people who are not sure about their sexuality... people blog there, and exchange advice, and blabla..." that yould be a good first step. I just realized that maybe you don't want her to check Oasismag out, out of fear she would recognize you. well you can modify the story and leave out the name Oasismag... or you talk about some other queer site (I'm sure there are some.
or even if you don't have any gay social life which you can bring up casually, you can talk about something you'd like to do... She asks: What are you doing in the weekend? You say: O there is this queer movie festival in (next big city) and I'd love to go there, but I think I can't because I have no money for the bus/ because no time / because my parents don't let me/

does that give you some ideas? Of course that all assumes that you already got yourself into a conversation with her. if you're not on a conversation basis with her, try to get there first.

Good luck. And don't be too afraid of awkward situations. they are terrible, but they pass. just communicate... and if you're in doubt, communicate more rather than less. it's okay to admit that you simply want her to know that you're queer, or that you simply wanted to bring up the gueer topic because you are lesbian/bi/gay/queer yourself and you wanted to know her opinion about being queer. It is even okay that you like her, even though I would not tell that so easily either.
Good luck!
I have great confidence in you :-)

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)