Chocolate

Riku's picture

Yeah, I know, all you people who've read my previous journals are probably all fed-up with me. Because I'm so confident until she actually shows up, which is the exact moment that my brain turns to mush. Like soba noodles, except probably dosen't taste as good. And dosen't come in little boxes with convienet pakages so you just boil it and then add some sause and you're done. *rabmling*

Anyways. So that's probably why I've had no comments on my journals latley... Or mabye it's karma, because I've been commenting on other peoples journals less... ^^' I've been trying to fix that but I'm never happy with what I write and end up deleting it. D: Mabye I shouldn't do that. But I'm always holding back things I say and stuff, if I were only more open.

I'm always thinking of really weird metaphors.. Like, how people are sort of like clouds. (I love to watch the sky... (And that has nothing to do with the fact that the object of my affections happens to go by the nickname of "Sora" (Which is "sky" in Japanese for those who don't know.)) And clouds are really pretty in groups, until there gets to be too many and they loose their induviduality and become one, big, grey, mass... Yeah I know, it's kind of weird. Just a thought I had one day. I always have weird thougts like this. I only remember a small precentage of them.

I'm so... Unusual I guess... I love to simply walk around the block, a path I've walked many, many times before. And I talk to myself or sing to myself as I walk. Because if I think to myself then I end up getting confused a lot faster and because mp3 players and I don't get along and I'm not buying a CD player right now because I'm saving my money.

I always end up laughing at my own thoughts for no apparent reason like say, out at dinner somewhere or, waiting in line for something. And everyone thinks it's weird.

I also talk to books I'm reading or games I play, sometimes I shout at them. Apparently people can read things in total silence, this is impossible for me. I always talk to the book I'm reading, if the character does something stupid, or if something funny happens. XD

I laugh way too much. People are always looking at me weird. Something can be mildy funny and I start laughing, and then I'm the only one laughing, which is also funny, so I laugh more, and then people look at me strange, which is funny too and... You get the idea.

Not to mention that I tend to sing in public, and in Japanese. (Sometimes Russian or English but mostly Japanese.) An awful lot of people stare at me for that too..

But you know what? I don't care that I'm unusual. When I'm singing in public or dancing around like an idiot I'm enjoying myself and that's what matters I guess. It's like, when I was on stage at a convention making a total fool of myself, I didn't regret it afterwards because I can't change what happened anyways so I might as well be proud of something stupid like that. XD That's probably a weird way of thinking too...

Now you know a bunch of little unusual things about me... Or mabye not so unusual, or mabye not so little either. Hehe.

Annndd... I realized that I'm not getting anything done by being confident in solitude and then having all of that cofidince I biult up fall to pecies the moment I see Sora. (Sora = object of my affections remember?) It's funny, I can sit here planning on how I'm gonna tell her (that I like her.) all day even though I know that no matter how many plans I come up with, that's not how it's going to happen. And knowing this I still plan anyways. Haha. And I also know that no matter what happens she's gonna catch me off gaurd with her response. No matter what she does, weather she slaps me, kisses me, or simply dosen't say anything at all, I'm not gonna be expecting it. And it's also gonna be akward no matter what I do. I realize that too..

And even so I don't want to give up. And I guess I'm kind of stupid for falling in love with her in the first place, even though it was totally unitentional.

It's so weird though, we (Sora and I.. Obviously) could be just sitting or whatever, and we'll just look into each others eyes for however long. (Feels like forever, it's probably closer to a few seconds.) and then one of us will start laughing. I'm not sure why, but things have been like this for a while. Since spring actually, when I started liking her.

Spring is the last I heard of any of her crushes either. Around then they all stopped. Even when she was kissed by that boy, it was big news for like 5 seconds, and now the whole subject is extremely akward.

She's always indirectley reminding me of her straight-ness. (Saying stuff like "Isn't Chrono hot?" or whatever.) But then she does things like putting her head on my lap and playing with my hair. (At the same time mind you.) And I'm just a mess of confusion.

I guess there are some things I wasn't meant to understand. Sora is most likely one of them.

I was talking to my dad the other day, he was saying about when he was a teenager he had a cute girl sit on his lap and he didn't take a hint. And the same sort of thing happened a lot and he didn't get it until his twenties. Haha. So I'm probably making the same stupid mistake he did. If it weren't for this dobut I'd be like, almost certain she likes me back. (My dad thinks so too though he won't say it in case he's wrong I can tell by the way he acts when Sora is clinging to me.) Oh, not to mention she dropped some major hints yesterday that I sort of ignored for sanitys sake. You know? Mabye I should just tell her already. X_X

And what's really sad is that I'm not afraid of her not liking me back. Because I know that she'll still be friends with me and I know that I'll find ways to get over it. So I don't know why I don't just tell her. It's pathetic.

Okay... I think I'm done rambling now. ^^' (Chocolate is bittersweet and addicting, like love. Which isn't why I named the jornal that, it's actually because I've been nibbling on expensive dark chocolate all day. XD *brick'd*)

Comments

jojojo's picture

Luckybird

Hey you luckybird. it's great that you get entertained by your own thoughts. Other people have to go to the movies for that and often even that does not work.

So I read your comment on my journal entry (to which I replied, so you should go back there and read it ;-) and reply again ;-) even though I did not write such an interesting thing as that I imagine you would be inspired to reply... anyway)
So I read your comment on my journal entry, and then read you ramble about not having written comments to other people and that's why you don't get comments... so I already decided I am gonna write a comment to confirm your theory and make you write more comments to other (eehhh. .... my...) journal entries.

so you have a funny way of writing and thinking. very enjoyable. you just won a new reader... some other time (couse now I need to work, as I have procrastinated by strolling around at Oasis for long enough) I'm gonna read your older journal entries to read more about Sora, as that seems a really nice story... I hope she likes you back!! (And I'm not gonna humbly offer my advice cause you give all the perfect advice to yourself anyway :-)

Cheers!!

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)

Riku's picture

Yeah, but I don't like movies

Yeah, but I don't like movies all that much anyway, books make me sleepy, and video games are expensive. How else am I supposed to keep myself from dying of boredem?

I have a funny way of thinking and writing? Cool! =D I never thought of it that way really.

I guess it's a nice story.. But who am I to judge? And I hope she likes me back too... Obviously. And I really should take my own advice shouldn't I?

jojojo's picture

yes you should

Yes you should. So much good advice coming from yourself, it would be such a waste not to take it :-)

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)

Hobbit's picture

bah humbug about comments, if

bah humbug about comments, if people don't have something intelligenet to say about your writing thats their problem. and i don't think anyone is getting impatient with you about sora, but are you maybe getting impatiet yourself? you sound like you just need a little time to boost your confidence, is there anyone that you can talk to about it who will make you do it? ooohh i had semi-sweet chocolate today, it is actually one of my favorite types. and, btw, i LOVE your cloud metaphor.

hugs, luck, and peace

So when you're asked to fight a war thats over nothing
Its best to join the side thats gonna win
No ones sure how all of this got started
But we're gonna make 'em God damn certain how its gonna end

utter_insanity's picture

Cool

I'm glad I'm not the only person in the world who thinks of weird metaphors/similes! I think that people are like jello. With jello, you give it a tiny poke with a spoon, and it jiggles around a lot. With people, you can take celebrity gossip and other worthless things, poke them with it, and they jiggle around and get excited.

I can relate to the crush anxieties. My crush lets me play with her hair and it seems like she might like me too, but I'm too much of a scaredy-cat to ask her about it. I'm planning to at least ask her what she thinks about gay issues (if I can get her alone, that is). I probably will be too much of a coward to do even that, though.

So, um.... Want to buy some condolences? They're a penny each!


~~Gay and Here to Stay~~