Confessing my thoughts

Uncertain's picture

Okay I really just feel like confessing my thoughts here, so prepare to hear me rant on.

Life's been a bitch lately... after school just started today I've already started my exam study. I'm seriously panicking about how I'll do and keeping my marks reasonably high. On top of that I'm even panicking more about my piano exam, which I haven't been able to practise for the two weeks away in Japan. I also saw all my straight straight crushes at school and yet again they returned into my life after I've forgotten them all those times. These things along with many few other tiny aspects of my life continue to keep my body and mind unpeaceful.

And also, my birthday is coming soon. Well, it's on Thursday (party on Sat maybe) actually. I never had a birthday party before and I didn't intend to have one at the beginning of this year. But throughout the year I changed quite a lot, I made a lot more (good) friends that I think is worth having a party for. So I'm right I guess, while I'm busy away in Japan my friend Julie decided to voluntarily organise my party for me. She wanted to make it rather special which I was quite moved about.

Never did I ever thought people would care so much about me. I realised I have so many good friends who want to make me feel worthy and validated and special/good about myself. Yet everytime I still think I can be a real jerk to them. Why am I so selfishly centered around myself and my own ego? Because I believe these friends are so great, and I'm such a perfectionist, everytime they let me down I have a complete fit about it. It's that expectation they haven't maintained which ultimately stressed my mental and emotional status to collapse. I continually need my friends to reassure me of my 'important' existence, yet when they sometimes unintentionally fail to do so I become all depressed and antisocial. In the end, sometimes I have to convince myself that I, Max, will be the only constant in my life and never always depend on the validation of others - otherwise I will only become a burden to my own self-worth and identity, and those of others.

My friends are the best, I have realised that. Even after I came out, many stayed and were supportive (and with new friends made through my confidence). Even when I get dissed at school I can always find refuge and peace with them (except how sometimes they would still think I like girls which annoys me). But it's sometimes the lack of thought about how to respond to others that bothers me more. Because I tried to be friends with everybody, tried to pacificy with everyone, tried to impress others... I begun living my life for everyone else and not myself. This whole idealogy and thought began because I used to be extremely depressed, and was shy and antisocial. This year I tried to leave all that behind, all the sensitive and emotional Max were left behind the curtains in the past to display a happy, confident, outgoing, I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude that brought me all these friends that love me for a fake outer shell I've been hiding the real me under. Some of my good friends have realised some kind of emptiness and loneliness within me, and most of the time I still fail to place the trust on them (even those who trust me so immensely) to tell them how I truly feel about something. It's all a game of charades I've been playing. I'm seriously such a selfish, egolistic bastard. Ultimately, I have probably caused all this myself.

And further on top of that, I'm such a control freak. It might be one of my traits by being a perfectionist - to have everything under control. I hate bad surprises, I like everything knowing it will work out and having minimal risks and so on. That's why I don't feel like my school-friends and out-of-school friends mixing. I don't know if they'll get along (plus I can be a different person amongst them - I'm way too much of a social butterfly). But maybe I should let that go, since my birthday is coming I'll just invite whoever really... I don't want this to be a thing about who's invited and who's not.

And yet again I feel like a selfish, picky bastard. I found out I have quite a lot of LGBT friends right? Tyler was the one that used to like me but I missed out on him through this really complex situation. Yet I'm still really bitter about that and I cannot let my mind go of him. I'm getting a lot better though, but why can't I just give the fuck up on him? Seriously if I don't I will continue to feel so bad about everything, life isn't really under my control again and I only feel very hurt.

On top of that, I had one bisexual guy who liked me before. I found him clingy and annoying so I rejected him. Some people thought I was picky and 'sad' to him. But really, am I not supposed to have standards? I don't know. Maybe in the small community of limited LGBTs I know standards don't exist because I'm even lucky to know this many LGBT people at my age. But now I faced the same problem again, there's this other bisexual person introduced through my friend Steph... again for some reason he seemed to have this attration for me (perhaps first LGBT guy he knows?) and I'm put under the pressure to deal with letting him down and stuff. I really don't like that position but since it's the second time I ask myself many questions about why I never like the people I could've got but continue to chase after something like a distant fantasy? Consequently I end up with no-one, while everyone else is happily paired up with only me all alone. Maybe I'm still waiting on Tyler, or the many straight crushes that always inevitably break my heart to make me cry with me muffling those sounds that echo through my pillow.

Like my big crush Richardo, who I found to have a girlfriend after I came back from Japan... it seriously made me so sad and mad at the same time. But really I realise my selfishness is kicking back in again, and I'm trying very hard to control it. I'm supposed to be happy for him, like all those times he was supportive of me about my being gay, about trying to find me a boyfriend, and all those long philosophical talks or retarded funny conversations we have such as making jokes about us being together. I just hope I could be better at being a person, and be better in the things I think, say and do. Last time when Richardo talked to me about his girlfriend I couldn't stand it I just logged off MSN. I just need some time to accept it really. Then I hope we can get back to what we once were.


hellonwheels's picture

damn max, long entry...

that's a lot of stuff for one entry dude...hey, happy old are u anyway??? and don't worry about being self-centered and egotistical, we all are at some point or another...We all hide under some false shell some time in our lives, you're just in yours right now, but it's cool that your friends are cool w/ you..mine are assholes...hell, they hit my car last week on purpose...the fuckers...anyway, i hope you're doing okay and don't let it all get to you...hang in there max...

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman