goodness me

zoe rose's picture

so i wore my hair in pigtails today--which made my day 90% better than it wouldve been.
maybe more like 80%.
i think the people who i had previously thought liked me were just figments of my imagination.
i dont think they actually do--but on the other hand, i think that one of my best friends may be confused.
im confused. cuz i wanna be constantly around her and near her and hugging her but im not sure if i like her or not.
i dont even know if theres a real attraction there. but she keeps saying shed 'totally go lesbian' for me, but shes straight and she has a boyfriend. its a little doubtful, to say the least, and i dont really want her to.
well, id like her to, but then down the drain would go our friendship, probably.
ive spent the last two nights at feeling a little lonely lately.
a little abandoned by a few people. and it would be nice just to find someone, anyone, that i could like.
im having trouble liking people. im not getting 'crushes' least, not for that past like...4 or 5 months.
im finally over my best friend. no attraction lingering there, thank god.
but now its just too easy to find faults in everyone.
and the divide between friendship and love is becoming so thin, its not even a boundary anymore, its a broken and leaking wall over which portions of each tend to leak into each other, invade each others perfect, consistent make-up. until...
now, i cant even tell if i like guys or girls or if i dont like either. i feel attraction for about 6 or 7 people right now.
but im not even sure if its a friendship attraction or a lover's attraction.
im just being redundant.
im wondering also how to use the line 'conduct sadness' in something.
i like how it sounds.
i had a good day today, though. and that was good. im just tired now.
confusion is so overwhelming, often.