wow. i cant believe this. and theres nothing i can do about it either. i guess the only thing i can do is accept the fact that all the people i think are my best friends wont last and that they'll all dump me eventually....god i hope thats not it.
the first best friend i had when i came to this school was rachel, and we've been best friends ever since, but she hasnt really talked to me much this year. when i try to get close to her, she says im being clingy. when i tried to be there for her when she was upset, she wouldnt tell me what happened and just told me to leave her alone and that i was making it worse. the only time she would talk to me was either to ask me if a rumor was true or to tell me something about her crush.
and i cant even get close to my remaining friends without SOMEONE making SOMETHING out of it!!!! thats how the whole thing b/w me and rachel started! she came online and the first thing she says is "omg is it true you asked becky out? someone saw you two holding hands."
i cant believe this. this is almost becoming routine. count them up, thats, like, three best friends ive lost in the span of a year and a half. it doesnt sound like a lot to some people, but add it with all the other traumas of my short life, not to MENTION the mandatory stresses of SCHOOL, it wears a girl out.
i have almost no hope left. this whole entire thing started almost a year ago, and its ruining my life! its taking away everything i know and love which is almost gone! i dont know what to do. the only things i have to rely on anymore are my family, becky, and the guy i have a crush on (well, i dont really rely on him, we barely talk to each other, but he gives me a reason to come to school).
i mean, all i want is some close friends that i can tell ANYTHING to who arent ashamed to be seen with me in public, maybe a nice boy/girlfriend (i can wait for that, though), and to be able to walk through school, be able to say hi to people i know (including the girl i.....never mind, WAY too long a story (see previous journal entries), and not get glares here and whispers there. is that SO much to ask?
this is insane! i mean, its times like this when you think "why me?" some people say its gods will but i dont believe that god is the higher power. some people say what happens happens. i guess thats the best theory i can some up with right now. but still.....i would like, just for once, be able to go through one week (maybe one year, but THATS pushing it a little too far) without coming home depressed. that would be pretty much the best thing thats ever happened (aside from finding oasis, this place is awesome, its helped me SO much). wow, heh, long entry, huh?