Most things that I need to get out are way to heavy for me to tell anyone. I think I'm going to have some skeletons in my closet now that are never going to come out. I tried to talk to someone about it, but I couldn't. I can barely even think of what I've done myself....I'm pretty much in the process of trying to forget about it; just push it to the back of my mind and lock it. I feel numb to it right now, but lately it feels like I could be on the verge of crying. I'm sure that will go away with time though. Until then I just keep trying to forget and make up something new to take its place. Then repeat it until I believe it is true. I'm going to pretend everything is fine until I feel like it is again.
I am very much in a "I don't care about anything" kind of way right now. I am still thinking about the future though and am still going through with prepping for it. I wouldn't even say I'm too depressed right now. I just really don't care if I die or if I happen to kill myself (not by cutting or hanging myself, but by doing something reckless or dangerous.....it would be seen as an accident) I am really just disappointed in life and myself right now. Life is unfair and I should just accept that. Mistakes are made, it sucks sometimes, people are hard to understand....but I just keep thinking "Is it really worth it to go on? What am I really looking forward to?" I have plans for the future, but it doens't feel like I need to do them all that much. I enjoy my life, but its not something I'm really getting into or feel like I want to make the effort to care about. I don't know how to describe it. Its like a movie right now.....I just do things and then see what the outcome is. I don't think of the consequences because if they're bad I keep in mind I don't have to be here. Life is like anything....if its too rough you can always quit. This is not the way people think, but its true. There is an escape from everything....you just have to decide if where you are escaping to is actually better than where you are trying to escape from.
.....I am not depressed. I am actually strangely content and calm. I feel like I'm in a void right now and life is just going on. I will keep making decisions and see where they go....hopefully it gets better, if not.....maybe I'll just keep waiting.
I honestly know I shouldn't even post this cause it will most likely freak out and annoy people. But again....I can't seem to make myself care.
Anyway....please, no one worry! I'm fine.
(I hate assuming anyone would care....)
****I don't even believe this while I write it! I think its true though, but I'm too happy right now to believe it. It just doesn't sound like me! This is NOT normal. I feel like I'm losing a fight with something inside of me! Is it okay to feel this way? It doesn't seem to be bothering me at all. (The way I feel, not the things I've done) If I could somehow figure out what I am expecting life to be then maybe I could start to go after it....how am I going to figure it out? I expect nothing and really don't want much. I like to feel good, but it is rare that I ever feel good enough to say I enjoy life and that its worth the energy.
Life is just work and the payoffs are never worth the effort.
Something's wrong with me......and this is all WAY TOO DRAMATIC!