I tried to talk to my friend again.....I can't talk about it without making it sound like no big deal and smiling....SMILING!!!! What the hell is wrong with me?! I don't feel comfortable letting people know how screwed up I am and I don't like feeling that I am unloading my problems onto them when they are having a hard enough time with their own.
I need to get one thing out though....without playing it down.
I am a gay. I am a gay. I am a gay!! Why do I keep trying to make myself like guys?! I have come to terms with the fact that I feel nothing for them and that I only feel anything for girls....So why do I keep getting with guys and try to make myself attracted?! I have been with three guys now in less than half a year (not dating/pretty much strangers) I keep getting with guys I don't know because with the guys I do know I am friends with and so its easy for me to brush off any flirting or hitting on that might come from them. I am so lonely though and guys are so easy to get....because its the "normal" way!!! When a guy wants me it makes me feel good....I like feeling wanted. But then as soon as they want to go further than kissing(which I don't even enjoy at all) it freaks me out and I don't know how to say "no" (everytime I have been VERY under influences + usually have lots of emotional stress) I have never had sex with a guy (or anyone) But all three times I have gotten very close and the only thing that has saved me is that I went dead, silent and retreated into my head with panic....actually, all three times I have said "I can't"....they just seemed not to hear it(I guess when I went vacant though, they noticed that I didn't want to be there and stopped)
Anytime I did anything I would be like "this guy is really nice and hes very hot.....I should like him....I should feel SOMETHING!!" But every time when I couldn't seem to get out of it I would have to imagine it was a girl just to make it bearable until they stopped. The closest I've come sleeping with a guy, I had to push him away and pretty much run.... I can feel the scars I am making by doing this forming already. Even when these guys first started coming on to me I felt that I had no desire for them. I know all they wanted (well two of them anyway) was to hook up with me...obviously. The first time it happen, I felt bad about it, but I just told myself it was my "exploaration...now I know I really have NO attraction towards guys". The other two times have just made me feel angry and wonder why couldn't stop myself.
Well....theres one of my problems I wanted to get out.....the rest I can't even get out on here.....I should probably go somewhere for professional help, but I think even if I did I wouldn't be able to get it out and if I could get anything out, I would make light of it. I don't like it when people know how fucked up I am, so I make them think everything is fine.
This is impossible to get across without sounding very depressed and sad. I'm really not. I'm screwed up, but I actually feel kind of free now that I have gone so low.