Skeletons

SilentBlue's picture

I tried to talk to my friend again.....I can't talk about it without making it sound like no big deal and smiling....SMILING!!!! What the hell is wrong with me?! I don't feel comfortable letting people know how screwed up I am and I don't like feeling that I am unloading my problems onto them when they are having a hard enough time with their own.

I need to get one thing out though....without playing it down.

I am a gay. I am a gay. I am a gay!! Why do I keep trying to make myself like guys?! I have come to terms with the fact that I feel nothing for them and that I only feel anything for girls....So why do I keep getting with guys and try to make myself attracted?! I have been with three guys now in less than half a year (not dating/pretty much strangers) I keep getting with guys I don't know because with the guys I do know I am friends with and so its easy for me to brush off any flirting or hitting on that might come from them. I am so lonely though and guys are so easy to get....because its the "normal" way!!! When a guy wants me it makes me feel good....I like feeling wanted. But then as soon as they want to go further than kissing(which I don't even enjoy at all) it freaks me out and I don't know how to say "no" (everytime I have been VERY under influences + usually have lots of emotional stress) I have never had sex with a guy (or anyone) But all three times I have gotten very close and the only thing that has saved me is that I went dead, silent and retreated into my head with panic....actually, all three times I have said "I can't"....they just seemed not to hear it(I guess when I went vacant though, they noticed that I didn't want to be there and stopped)

Anytime I did anything I would be like "this guy is really nice and hes very hot.....I should like him....I should feel SOMETHING!!" But every time when I couldn't seem to get out of it I would have to imagine it was a girl just to make it bearable until they stopped. The closest I've come sleeping with a guy, I had to push him away and pretty much run.... I can feel the scars I am making by doing this forming already. Even when these guys first started coming on to me I felt that I had no desire for them. I know all they wanted (well two of them anyway) was to hook up with me...obviously. The first time it happen, I felt bad about it, but I just told myself it was my "exploaration...now I know I really have NO attraction towards guys". The other two times have just made me feel angry and wonder why couldn't stop myself.

Well....theres one of my problems I wanted to get out.....the rest I can't even get out on here.....I should probably go somewhere for professional help, but I think even if I did I wouldn't be able to get it out and if I could get anything out, I would make light of it. I don't like it when people know how fucked up I am, so I make them think everything is fine.

This is impossible to get across without sounding very depressed and sad. I'm really not. I'm screwed up, but I actually feel kind of free now that I have gone so low.

Comments

SilentBlue's picture

utter_insanity's picture

I know what you mean. I keep

I know what you mean. I keep on trying to force myself to like guys, too. It stinks, and I've told myself a thousand times "YOU ARE GAY. GET OVER IT", and yet it still doesn't help. I sure hope this whole denial thing goes away after a while, because I hate it. HatehatehatehateHATE.


~~Gay and Here to Stay~~

Y - GuRl's picture

hey

hey mate. Glad you got one of your problems out, I like to make people think everything is fine too. All of us are fucked up.. but some of us are better at hiding it.

With the whole denial thing, yeah it does screw with your head a whole lot.. I think our brains just do that so we can hang onto the normality of being heterosexual so it makes it easier for other people to accept us if we are partly "normal". I guess the only thing you can do is be honest with yourself, there's nothing wrong with being gay. If people can't accept that then it's their problem hey. I know that's easier said than done.. and even if you are attracted to a guy in the future, try not to think too deeply into it and just go with what you feel. But it seems like you aren't at all attracted to guys so that's cool too. I guess you've just gotta have confidence in yourself and feel happy with who you are. (not the easiest thing i kno) But there are heaps of people out there like us and I'm sure when you are out, it will be easier to find them. I mean I love the fact that I'm queer, I'm just shit scared other people might not love it as much as I do. And it has taken me a long time to be happy with my sexuality like I am now.. so you will eventually be too.

Over analysing every single gay or straight thought you have can be exhausting and definetely do your head in.. so I've learnt to just be like whatever and shrug it off, but it can be hard at times. Well I hope you're doing ok yeah.. I don't know what other shit you are going through but I really hope things get better for ya mate. Message me anytime if you need to alrite?

whateversexual_llama's picture

My reccomendation is to try t

My reccomendation is to try to get away from love life as a whole. If you feel lonely, connect with friends, because having a friend you can cuddle with is much better than having a bf/gf that you can't cuddle. I'm not telling you to aviod the problem, but once the rest of your life is as full as it can be, the sexuality thing won't be as bad. One day you'll probably just wake up and say "Oh" that'll be that. Good luck!

Be yourself. Because if you're busy being someone else, then who's gonna be you?