How do you deal when your parent doesn't believe that you're gay?

utter_insanity's picture

I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. My mom doesn't believe I'm gay, and she never really has. She keeps on telling me that I'm too young to know and that I shouldn't be "labelling myself like this". She has no problem with gay people at all, she just doesn't believe that I can know I like girls at my age.

What can I do? The only thing I can think of is to wait a few years, get a girlfriend, then come back to her and tell her "Hey, Mom, I still think that I'm gay." I don't really like that option, since I hate waiting for things to happen. Can anybody give me some more ideas on what to do?


patnelsonchilds's picture

Parents always like to

Parents always like to believe that it's just a phase. It never is, but they like to believe it anyway. This is her way of saying "I'm not ready to deal with this yet. I need more time." I say give it to her. I mean, think how much worse the situation could be?

- Pat Nelson Childs

BItterfly's picture

That was my moms reaction

That was my moms reaction when I told her and I was 17 when I told her. My mom was the same, she has no problem with gay people but doesn't think her daughter is "one of them". She told me that she won't believe me till I bring a girl home to meet her and my dad. But when I want to, they don't approve of her before they even meet her. So I learned to let go of what my mother thinks. It's only her opinion and it doesn't matter all that much to me anyway.

808Chik's picture

i hate that...when i first

i hate that...when i first told my auntie that i was bi...all i heard after that was that i was too young to know if i'm that way and that she doesn't believe that i am and it's just a phase...yes i've heard it and it hurts 'cause its your family and you want them to know and accept you but i guess nothing always goes the way you want it...she's just in denial right now and i think that if you keep on showing or telling her that this is who you are she will begin to understand that she can't do anything but support you...

okie hope that helped =)...if not i'm sorry =(

"i am who i am, so don't judge me for being myself"

lookin to the future...'s picture

totally can relate

i have gotten the same reaction.... "now don't rule out guys just yet"... at one point i actually got "you should date a guy just to see if you like it". i laughed in her face (not recommended btw :) ). your parents are just going to need time.... tough i know. it really stinks.

flugzeug712's picture

The exact same thing

The exact same thing happened to me. Although my mom chases me around the house with skirts now and keeps telling me how "she accepts that i'm gay but cant help but wishing that i wasn't." Now isn't that a self esteem booster. "Honey I love you no matter what, but I'd love you more if you weren't you."
Sorry I really have no advice but try to ride it out and don't let what she says bother you.

Operator! What's the number for 911?! ~ Dan Castellaneta

83.2%% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

-Ruby-'s picture

i hear ya

yeah my parents (and some of my freinds) dont believe that im queer either! it's like WTF??? they're like "oh... she's just going thru her LESBIAN PHAZE" or, "shes just bicurious/questioning/confused/being a HO".... and they are all WRONG. I know i'm bi, i always have been, and i prolly always will be! Try telling that to ur mom. u shouldnt have to bring girls home to cement ur identity... she should trust her own daughter! but yeah, parents can be bullshit sometimez... good luck with IT ALL!

lindzo2015's picture

exact thing.

my dad wont belive me either..funny thing is, he's gay ! you would think he would be the most accepting, but to him im "too young to know". he didnt figure it out until he was 40 :]
anyways, i suggest just riding it out, thats what i will have to do. eventually she will accept you !

jojojo's picture

Tell you mom: I think/know I

Tell you mom:

I think/know I am a lesbian because I have had crushes on girls only/ ...(or whatever it was that made you realize you're a lesbian). Why do you not accept all this evidence as sufficient. If I'd had only a minor interest in one boy, you sure would take that as a good piece of evidence that I am straight. So why not accept my interest in girls (crushes, fantasies, whatever...) as evidence that I am a lesbian.
And IF it should really happen that in ten years time I meet this guy whom I fall in love with/ am attracted to, well, then, okay it will happen and I won't deny. I don't think it will happen, that's why I call myself a lesbian now. But you don't need to freak out about that tiny possibility that I might also / later like guys (or one guy). If it will happen - fine. But if it won't - as I am pretty convinced it won't happen - fine too. Right? You say you have no problem with gay people, right?

Is your mom straight? If yes, you might turn the conversation back to her, to show her what it feels like... You might get a message across to her if you say:

How do you know you are straight? I mean, maybe you will meet another woman whom you really like. How do you KNOW it is not possible? At least theoretically it is a possibility which you cannot preclude. But you still understand yourself as straight, because you don't think that it will happen. It is not part of your expectations. That's why you call yourself straight, and I call myself lesbian.

Of course if your mom distracts by insisting that age makes all the difference, this argument won't strike her.

You might want to try to get her agree to a sort of compromise. She accepts you as a lesbian for now (but she still thinks it is possible that you will be straight when you "grow up"). And you don't absolutely preclude the possibility of ever likeing a guy, in return. But that compromise is only worth its name, if your mom then still allows you all the things you want to do as a lesbian, like go to some queer youth activities (if there are any where you live), etc.

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)

jonsharppp's picture

I told my mom and she told

I told my mom and she told me i was too young to know what i was talking about. Then she tried to find an excuse like one of my friends made me gay cuz we were fooling around. And just recently she blocked LOGO (the gay channel). So i blocked HGTV. I've given her atleast six months to think about it and accept it but she only got more negative about it. I hope this doesnt happen to any of you