It's 9:30 at night, and I've been sitting here infront of this computer all evening. Why? Because I felt like coming home tonight to actually do my homework. My friend was talking to me on MSN, and told me to join this RPG thing called Maple Story. So I downloaded it jsut to try it. And now it won't let me even open it, so that was a waste of time. I babbled on Myspace and Piczo a bit, and decided Piczo is a useless waste of perfectly good cyber space. I don't know why my friend is obsessed with it, it makes no sense to me what-so-ever.
Well, being incredibly bored, I decided to do something I hadn't done in ages. I did a search on Gay teens, Gay pride, and the like. And in doing so, I discovered this Oasis webzine type place. It looked so incredibly interesting, and I thought, screw Myspace and Piczo and Mapleworld or whatever, I think I'll join this! So I did.
Now, since I have this blog started, I may as well start my little introduction-to-my-life rant. I came out just this past mid-August, if you disclude last January, when I told my best friend I might be a lesbian, then met Andrew and thought I'd try and change that little detail about myself. Didn't work. I dated three guys in my teen life. And hated it. But really, what homosexual hasn't dated the opposit sex?
Anyway, I'm rambling. I told a bunch of my friends, but still there are a few who don't know. The saddest part is, there is one wonderful new girl in my life who I'm not sure if she knows or not. I'm hinted it to her, majorly, like asking, "Are you a homophobe?" And having her reply wiht, "No, a lot of my friends are gay. Though I like gay people more than bi's." So I asked, "What about gay girls, is there any problem?" And she gave me this insecure-sounding "Nooo....."
I love that girl. There are times I think I don't. Times I think I love her as a best friend, or even sister. But that doesn't explain those moments I imagine making out with her, touching her, and being her loving girlfriend. I guess I have to be honest with myself, I have a crush. And I don't even know if she accepts my sexuality in the first place.
She confuses me. There are times I swear she's supressing her own feelings. She really makes me wonder if she's bisexual. I don't want to go out and say I know she is. I'd feel like I'm accusing her. I'd feel guilty. I guess that's because I have a very insecure nature. I always second-guess myself. Nonetheless, I can't get around this one thing she said. She was reading the writing on a stall in the washroom. One girl wrote, "Anyone who uses this bathroom is gay." A lot of others commented on it (myself among them ^^ "Mmmm pussy" yeah, I'm immature) One person wrote something along the lines of, "Supressing unwanted feelings?" and my friend.crush said with a light chuckle, "I am." And well, I kind of wonder if that was her way of hinting to me what she's feeling; the same way I hinted to her about my sexuality.
Sometimes I really wish I could know what's going on in her head. I wish I had that 'gaydar', so many people seem to sense homosexuality in others. Me, I'm terrible with it. Though, she is two years younger than me. In so many ways she is as mature as anyone my age. But I know she's going through a lot of the confusing things I was at her age. I can tell in the way she acts and the things she says. Maybe she's in denial right now. I know I was when I was 14.
I guess all I can really do is wait and see. Maybe she'll come to me about it. Maybe not. I know it's not my place to go and question her about it. From first hand experience, I know it's easiest to figure this stuff out alone, and seek help when needed rather than have it handed to me.