look at me!

Y - GuRl's picture

The questions have started.

Have you got a boyfriend?
What sort of guys do you go for?
Don't you want a boyfriend?

Answers: No. The ones who don't have doodles and *mumble* um nah hey anyway what are you doing this weekend..?

My homophobic cousin was hassling me about this sorta stuff and I laughed it off and avoided the questions without lying. I wonder what he would've done if I said I don't really like guys.. could it possibly change his views that gay people aren't perverted freaks. I guess I will eventually find out one day, he's just ignorant. Oh and he kept on asking if me and Tim would ever get together because I might regret it if we don't. I just told him we definetely won't because we have a "mutual agreement" (I'm a gay!) hehe.

The girls were talking about our gay blogging friend (they don't know I've found his blog) and mentioned they were still shocked when they found out he was gay. Seriously, this guy thrives off trashy pop music and he is just so camp yeah. If they were shocked about that, imagine when I come out! I have a queer haircut, rarely talk about guys, wear boyish clothes and am always homo friendly. And it has never crossed their minds?? I'm trying to be myself as much as possible but I don't think it's working.

Oh I went to a get together tonite and saw an old friend there, she's five years older than me but I used to have a crush on her when we were younger. But I'm not sure if I still do, like she is so cool. She always makes me laugh, one of those really larger than life sorta people who's got a huge heart. She's real touchy feely too, so she's always grabbing my arm, leaning on me etc. Always teasing and joking around with me, I know she's straight and still sees me as that little kid. She said my hair was sexy (but you always notice small things people say when you like them) and that kinda caught me off guard. I think I might just like the attention that I get from her, it's weird. I think she might be the only one catching on that I'm not into guys for some reason but I really don't know her views on gay people. But I really wanna see her again coz she does give me slight warm and fuzzies but I didn't get jealous when I saw her with her boyfriend.

I'm always confusing attraction with admiration.. and that's for both sexes. Does anyone else get that? Like I'd always ask myself, do I want them or do I wanna be them or do I just really enjoy their company? I'm one confused kid. When I was in high school (all girls school) at around 14, my friends and classmates would always make comments about how cute I was (don't understand it either). I knew it was in a 'puppy dog' kinda cute but I really liked the attention because sometimes it would be in a flirtatious/playful way unless that was all in my head. So there ya go, confessions of an attention whore haha.


jojojo's picture

attention, attraction, flirti

attention, attraction, flirting, cuddling, ... it is all so confusing and strange among girls!
In high school (like around age 12, so I guess that would be junior high in the U.S.), when I think back about it, it seems like the girls were so much obsessed with their best (female) friends - it was as if best friends were their partners. Like, when someone stopped being someone's best friend, it was a drama like a divorce or breaking up a long-term relationship. And there were jealousy issues!!

I also had a group of female friends (that was about age 14-18) who were all so cuddly and close and affectionate with each other. I was not out to them. ANd even though I never had a crush on any of them, I always really liked their cuddliness. (even though I was self-conscious because I was wondered if they would be different if I were out to them... if they would be afraid of me then... I would have found that so terrible.)
But I also observed them, and they (mostly straight, as I may reasonably assume, since several of them have had boyfriends) were really flirty with each other and also really cared for each other's attention. and were jealous if they did not get enough affectionate attention...
Maybe it's like a silent contract: We are all straight, we are all into guys, and having said this, we can flirt and cuddle and be affectionate and jealous with each other.

But what is really funny, in a way: I now do the same with gay guys. flirting, cuddling, saying sweet things, hugging a lot, wanting attention... Maybe it is so nice to do these things just because you feel it will remain on a playful and friendly level

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)

lookin to the future...'s picture

wow... i can really relate

those last two paragraphs almost sound like i wrote them... i have a really good friend who is 6 years older than me... she is exactly the same(except that she actually is gay). always touchy feely, sayin stuff about how cute i am.
i def. confuse the admiration and attraction part of things.. esp. with this girl because i look up to her so much. she is gorgeous, so nice. i am def. still trying to figure things out... it's so frustrating!
keep us posted on how things turn out for you!

SilentBlue's picture

Ooooh! I hate those questions

Ooooh! I hate those questions! I answer them though, its not their fault I guess...

I get confused with attraction and admiration too. With me its easier to sort out once I talk to whoever the person is for awhile and if I'm all nervous and my stomachs turning I take it that I like them....if I'm just a little nervous, and and my stomach only turns when I'm forced to talk, then I take it that I just want to be friends.....I don't even know if that is, in fact, true with me, but it sounds like an answer eh?......I'm too confused too.