Ambitions...or lack thereof

Pixiecorpse6's picture

So tomorrow is Christmas. I don't know about anyone else, but this holiday season has seemed so slack. I mean, even my mom is lazy about decorating. We hardly did anything. My friends all think the same thing. It just doesn't feel like the holiday season this year.

I even felt a little depressed today, actually. I had been invited to my friend Caitlyn's for part of Christmas Eve weeks ago. I'd been looking forward to spending some of my holiday with her. And my goal for today was to kiss her. Again. And actually make someting of it. Actually tell her how much I like her, and end up with a new relationship. Phah. So much for that. I ended up wanting to be alone. Then I left early. I don't really know what was wrong. I just suddenly started thinking about my future. I mean, to the point where I even wondered if dating her would be worth it.

I thought about how I might jsut drop out at 18, move to Toronto and start an apprenticeship as a tattoo artist, and get my bartending licence. I scrapped that idea and figured I'd take an extra year in high school, taking courses I actually want and need to take. Then move to TO and start an apprenticeship while attending college for art, and maybe literature, like university prep courses and stuff.

Then I thought about the mean time, like the next couple of years. I want to start boxing. I'd need to work out to get into shape. Five months of smoking alone have left me pretty breathless, not to mention the lack of gym class. I quit smoking and I'm taking fitness next semester. So. Maybe that'll help. But today, I felt like I just wanted to go home and go for a run, or seclude myself to my room and do situps and shit. I don't know why but I was really feeling shitty today. Course, I'm so lazy. When I got home I just sat around listening to music. Shame.

I just want to change my life. I hardly know who I am, or where I'm headed, but I think the only way to figure my life out is to actually do something. Unfortunately, I've been so bored my whole life that I don't even know where to start. I guess that's the first thing I should do though. Get a job, so I can pay the 80 dollar monthly charge to use the dojo a few blocks away. Spend all my time working and working out. I need time to myself now; I just need to think, to figure myself out. Besides, I hate crowds and attention. I don't need to socialize that much. I've been doing that too much already this year and I feel so unorganized because of it.