an exercise in self-hate

besogne's picture

it is silly of me to write about this but i have a crush on my friend--oh, let's call her Sally, because that's her name. no it isn't. well, she works with me, and we have become pretty good friends. it seemed like we got along right from the beginning. she has a kid, a preadolescent. i don't know why i'm being obscure about the details, it isn't like she'd ever read this. you know why? because she's straight. i mean, she was married to her second husband for 9 years, that's how straight she is. she has said that she has never liked a girl like that, to me.

so now she is seperated from her husband. and she's flirty with me, she's flirty with everyone. it drives me crazy but you know i love it. and she used to talk about traveling all over the world with me, after her husband died, she said. anyway, it is an exercise in self-hate. it is the silliest thing in the world. she's not even legally seperated from her husband.

it is silly to even continue to think about this. i refuse to tell her i have a crush or whatever on her, because i want to continue to be her friend. i guess that's all i can do. i like hanging out with her son too. he is 12. she said that if she and her husband died, she wants me to take care of her son.

oh, i came out to her too, finally. i mean, yeah. she asked me if i'm heterosexual and i said no. and then i told her about another time when i didn't have sex with a girl. anyway, that's a dumb story i don't want to go into it here. i want her to realize that she likes me romantically and then i want us to start dating. we work together and i know it is a bad idea to date people you work with, but i don't care really. maybe i'd quit my job. i don't like it anyway. haha how pathetic is that.

she's really nice and i love her. i mean, i love her as a friend. so i guess nothing else really matters. but i like her and obviously i hate myself or i would stop writing and thinking about this. i don't really hate myself but i wish that i didn't get crushes on straight girls.