So I did it again this weekend. I chickened out. I spent the weekend at her house again. I even took off work again yesterday to be with her longer. I can't believe this. I'm risking my job over a damn crush. No. Love. I can't get her out of my head. The way she lets me hold her when we're alone. Anyway. I was going to talk to her. Either that or I was just going to kiss her. I even started to ask her what she felt last weekend when I did kiss her. "Hey can I ask you somehting?" I said, speaking at a thousand km a second. "Last weekend at Teri's........Nevermind."
Yup. I'm a loser.
A fucking pussy. After that huge confidence boost I went through this year, I still can't even ask someone how she feels about me. I keep telling myself, it doesn't matter if she says she just wants to be friends. It doesn't matter as long as I know. But I still can't form the god damn words.
I got an email from a really good friend who lives very far away. And well, even though we almost never see each other, she seems to see more about this friendship with Caitlyn than I do. She mentioned that, even though I'm sad and depressed about my feelings for her, I'm still with her and happy all the time. And, when I read that, I just stopped and thought about it. I am happy when I'm with her. I mean, sure, I almost cried after I tried asking her about last weekend and stopped myself. She'd pulled my hood over my head for some reason and I figured if she couldn't see me it would be easier to ask. It wasn't, and then I almost lost it. My eyes started watering up. Thank god she couldn't see.
Nonetheless. I feel better when I'm around her. I have this strong friendship that I know won't easily break. And I've been too blind to see that.
I made another discovery this weekend. She's probably about as confused as I am, but for different reasons. I mean, I know she does have at least some feelings for me. I know she's considered being more than friends. But there is her boyfriend. I asked her a few nights ago if she loved him. She said she didn't know. obviously she likes him enough though. And she's always saying how he doesn't like to share. That he's very protective of her. Personally, I'd feel threatened in a relationship like that. Maybe she does too. Or maybe she likes it. Feels secure that way. I don't know, but I know he wouldn't take it very easily if she broke up with him for me. I don't think he'd hurt me, or her. She says he never hits a girl. But she'd definately lose a friend she's known for years. I don't want her to risk that. Not for someone she's known for mere months.
I keep falling for all the wrong people. Either straight girls, or bisexuals, who already have boyfriends, and who aren't yet confident about their sexuality. Well, alright, so far there's only been one girl in that situation. nonetheless. I'd lvoe it if I could meet a single lesbian with all the right chemistry. Blah. I guess it'll be a long time for that to happen though. I mean, even in Hollywood, teenagers never meet their soulmate. They meet boyfriends and girlfriends, but it's always the adults who meet the love of their life and end up married, living happily ever after.
I hate being a teen. All these hormones. Gay hormones. The worst kind. Nah, its not that I hate being a teen. I hate being a gay teen at my school. There are other schools in the city where the gay population is alomst half the student body. Everyone is out and open because no one cares. I guess I'd feel less like an outcast there. I've pretty much made my decision. I'm going to Beal for 12th grade, or maybe take an extra year. I'll have to, because of courses I'll have to make up for, and no way in hell am I staying at my school.