my love story...well kinda lol

808Chik's picture

it's amazing how now anyone can look back and say that "that's what started it all" lol. or something like that...for myself idk ask anyone that knew before i came out. they would've said that they'd imagine me marrying a guy and have the whole "2 or 3 kids and a house with a white picket fence" haha well maybe not that...but you know what i mean. when i was younger, i was always the tomboy playing four-square with the boys and playing soccer, but i was boy-crazy...weird isn't it? i was like one of the guys but still a girl lol. just thinking about it now...i realized that the question of my sexuality started in late elementary when everyone started going out with each other and all them boy bands came out and everyone would ask "who do you like in N'Sync or BSB?" oh god it was like crazy haha. but i was part of it...

I kinda knew though...that i was different. when i would rather wear just shorts and a t-shirt rather than dresses, skirts, and tanks. or when i'd be looking at a girl and be like "wow she's really pretty" and stuff...but when you're young (i guess more so for me lol) i thought it was wrong. the idea that relationships are supposed to be between man and woman stayed in my head and all thoughts of being...gay was pushed back into my mind and never allowed out again...until....

Until middle school happened lol...oh god....my first crush on a girl was on the one person i knew...I KNEW...i would never have was my best friend Rachel...friends since 2nd grade, we did were like inseparable. one time this lady thought we were sisters lol...that was funny. but damn what sucked was that not only I liked her...but everyone else did too. especially GUYS! damn them...they had more chance. but what could i do? do the same thing i did...go on thinking that it was wrong. then i something happened, i got my first boyfriend! wow yeah it was surprising to me too.

i used to be a computer and chatroom addict lol. so yeah i met him in a chatroom, he was from a neighbor island and was 15 while i was only 12. cute and sweet i fell. we would talk all night on the phone, send each other letters in the mail everything...it was a dream come true. i put his picture up in my locker lol...yup i was hooked. it lasted for a year until he told me that he found out he had a kid and such...OMG yeap so we broke up but then same time around but the next year, we started talking again and *boom* we went out again but never got to see each other because of the distance and our families.

sigh then tragedy...my mom passed away, he came down to visit but i was just all torn up not wanting to do anything...and ended up not seeing him...and yeah. damn then no contact because i was moved around from a foster home to my dad's house and no way to contact, then signed on aim one day and started talking again...things went on but then i found out something that really changed everything. HE turned out to be a SHE!! yup all this time i've been seeing a girl, but did that change my love...NO i loved him...or her no matter what. but she met someone else and my world went down, my only love not mines anymore. i learned to move on...

ah i started liking girls more now...yeah guys were cute but i was more intrigued by girls and then met D on downelink...sigh we talked then we met...and she was my first kiss. what freaked me out though was that when our lips touched...wanna know what the first thing that i wanted to say? I LOVE YOU. yup god i just met her and i wanted to tell her i loved her...what was up with me? i didn't though and we saw each other for awhile but no one approved and thought that she was just playing with me, so i ran away...afraid that it was true and wanted to get out of it before i got hurt, i went a year without talking to her but thought a lot about her. i had one gf that i ended up cheating on and going out wiht twice but it just didn't work out. so it was quits.

then D came back into my life...oh yeah she was the one i had my first date with (if you remmeber the posts lol) omg she was my firsts for everything and it ended up where i did finally get to say those words to her...I loved her...and i still do. but life takes it's toll again and it's time to move on...

ah looking back on all that...i thought i was bi but i've thinking about all the things i've went through...i'm not bi or straight...god...i'm a lesbian.
i told my closest friends and know what they said?...that they already knew, they were just waiting until i figured that out.

how can other people know me better than myself?

damn...omg this is really long. i'm not expecting anyone to read this. it's just i wanted to get some things off my chest.

Comments

Toph's picture

Well, you were wrong. I read

Well, you were wrong. I read it! And might I add that I enjoyed it :D

That's a crazy twist there with your boyfriend turning out to be your girlfriend. I hope you don't get offended, but I laughed when I read it. Also, sorry about your mother. I "aw"ed at that part.

I think it's strange how people do know things about others that the person didn't even know about themself. I think it's because we have preconceived thoughts and we think "Okay, this is who I am so that's that." But, the people see us change and see the things we do and say and judge us based off of that. We already think we know who we are so the things we do and say don't really reveal to us who we are until we take a step back and evaluate.

Anyway, you're quite a poster, but I enjoy reading your journals. Btw, cute pic ;D

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD