Secrets and lies

the ghost's picture

I know I seem to say this at the start of every journal entry, but seriously this is going to be a depressing read I think, so if you would like to turn back now would be a good time.I'm not even too sure what I want to write about.My overall mood lately has been so down.Its like little things will make me happy for a short while, but then they fade away and I'm back to where I was already.Like I'm lacking a general sense of ease and happiness in my life. I have felt sort of like this before and I eventually got over it,through making new friends and stuff,so I know that things do get better.But its just right now everything seems to suck.
Sometimes it feels that so much stuff in my life is just lies.For example,I still live at home with my parents who hate each other.They never really talk to each other directly,they just exchange bitchy comments and its impossible to have a conversation with both of them at the same time.So its difficult that it is just me still living at home with them because a lot of the time I get the brunt of what is going on between them,and its unpleasant to be at home.But to the outside world life at home seems fine.They pretend everything is fine when other people are around,and its somthing I never really talk about with anyone,because I have always been told to keep my mouth shut about their releationship.So its like I have just grown used to this unhappy situation and I hate it.
So my parents releationship is just one thing that is a total lie.Then there is my sexuality that is just a total secret.That to be honest I'm just not sure how to deal with anymore.I know that I am not straight,because I know I am attracted to girls,so most of the time I think of myself as being gay.But then there are days when I am unsure and think I might be bi and its confusing and frustrating,and embarassing that i'm 21 and still going around in circles with this.
There is this new guy that I have started chatting to and getting to know in work,and he is genuinly sweet and good looking....and the fact that I have noticed this has made me confused again.I thought that I had come to accept that I was gay and that was it.That I am into girls,full stop.But for me there always seems to be this little grey area of doubt and its driving me crazy.
Why can't I figure out if I like guys too?I know when I am attracted to a girl,but why can't I ever be sure when its a guy?
There is a girl in work that I have been having this starnge attraction too.She is nice to me,but over all she is kind of a bitch and generally not the type of person that I would even have as a friend,but for some reason I am totally attracted to her.Maybe its the big chest,lol just kidding.
Well anyways her and the guy were sitting next to each other tonight and I found myself looking at them trying to figure out if I could have either of them who would I go for?I found myself leaning more toward the girl and to be honest I can't figure out why,there is just somthing there.I can't explain it.
But I am still feeling this attraction to the guy and I am like going crazy.I promised myself that I would talk to some of my friends about my sexuality before christmas,but I seem to just keep putting it off,and also these bouts of confusion make me more reluctant to do it.I'd rather be sure before I came out if I was bi or gay.But I don't think I can fully explore my sexualty until I do.
Aaaaarrrghh I'm sick of the whole thing!
Well I think that is all from my ramblings for now.Need sleep.Adios(And sorry for the whingy boringness just needed to vent)


msquared's picture


Just wanted to let you know someone cares. Alone isn't a state of's a state of mind. And I hope you're in a state of happiness soon! Hang tough, soul sister!

"Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible." T.E. Lawrence

mybigsecret's picture


well....maybe you need to find a friend you can pour your heart out to.....about everything perhaps.....even if you're in confusion....who knows - maybe she/he can help to you to sort out sometimes other people see things between the lines that we know maybe there's something there...regarding your sexuality that is.....

well anyway....i am always here.....for anything....

and about your whimsi moods...hey dont worry too much about those....i have them all the time too.....and i totally get what you're feelin......

tak ker.......