When did you know?

haNa's picture

When did you know you were queer? Do you know? Will you ever know?

I have a very vivid memory of pre-school (and this is strange, as I have very few of these) in which we were all discussing who we intended to marry. Two of my female classmates exclaimed that they intended to betroth each other. As I was a witty 3 year old I explained to them that that would mean they were gaaaaaaaay.... Oooooh.

Now, even though I said this, I still don't think I knew what it meant. I understood the basics. 2 girls getting married = gay. But, what did that mean?? I could make a sentence about it, but really hadn't the slightest clue what it meant.

So, I started getting older. OF COURSE I had crushes on other girls, but... All girls did, right? And then I feel madly in love with Legolas. Orlando Bloom? No way! Legolas was so much... more feminine?

6th grade. I was still so confused. I was in love with my neighbor, Amber. I held her hand and we were friendly. We always joked, and sometimes I'd try to kiss her. But, that was nothing right? Just girls being silly...

Suddenly, a started to realize what "gay" and "bisexual" were. And then began the 2 years of utter confusion. At first, I felt like I might be bisexual. But, more and more I felt as if the only men that even slightly appealed to me were very feminine ones. And then I hit puberty. Suddenly, sexuality meant more than crushes. It meant SEXuality. That was the beggining. I found I was only sexually interested in woman. Soley. That's it. No men.

So, that should of cleared it up, right? No way. I have, and always will have, an extreme appreciation for the male form. I can certainly appreciate the beauty in it. The long muscular legs of some athletes are extremely attractive, but not in any sexual way. I can see pictures of male models and fall in love, but only as an amature photographer.

This is what true confusion was to me. All I could see myself doing was getting married to another woman and having children. Yet, I still found men somewhat beautiful. But one day it clicked. The simple idea of having sex with a man was repulsive. Sure men were beautiful. But, women were beautiful. They were lovely. They were love.

So, I don't think I really understood until I was 13, which for some is early, and for some is late.

Wow, I wrote a lot, didn't I?

Well, I'd love to hear your story, and I'm curious as to if people really do know. I feel as if I do know, but I understand there is all this new research saying sexuality is fluid.

So, how did you figure it out?

Toph's picture

I basically think like you

I basically think like you about the whole males are fun to look at but not to touch sort of deal. I'd soooo much rather go with a girl.

Me? Oh my gosh, I had no clue gay existed until, like, my freshman year. My parents shielded me from a lot, and my friends knew how innocent I was so they protected me. But I have flashbacks of when I was young I had a mad crush on a boy, but there was another girl that liked him. I was envious because she was so beautiful. Not like, "wow she looks okay." but like "Wow, she's BEAUTIFUL". When I was younger me and my friends greeted eachother with kisses on the cheeks. I enjoyed it, until one friend of mine ruined our fun by saying we'll get in trouble for it. I was dissapointed.

Fast forward to the beginning of my high school years: Freshman year. Wow, the first time I heard the word bi I was like, "What's that?" I was so confused. My best friend had to explain it to me and even then I thought she was making it up. I mean, my whole life I heard "What boy do you like? What kind of boys do you like? When you get married to a man blah blah blah." You know? So like I was just so confused. But then I knew there was this new possiblity and I was like, "Okay, so it's okay to think that way?" So I let my natural emotions take hold and it was like something struck me. GIRLS EVERYWHERE! It was crazy. I dunno, my explanation is making me sound fake, but whatever. I was a girl that was "built" with a bounded mind. I was restricted to what my parents only let me think. Crazy. But, now I am trying to show and live my true self and emotions, and now my dad and older brother think I'm going through an identity crisis. Whatever.

My gosh, I say "like" a lot. Sorry.

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

patnelsonchilds's picture

I was in total denial until

I was in total denial until I was 17. However, looking back, my first real gay feelings came in seventh grade, when I developed a HUGE and downright obsessive crush on my friend Eric. I used to do stuff like type his name over and over and over, and I had a whole massive fantasy life built around him. But thanks to my supposed best friend Mark, also queer, who wanted Eric all to himself, Eric found out about my obsession and stopped being my friend, which totally crushed me. I later found out that Mark had spread all kinds of other little tidbits that I had confided to him around to other people in out class, which is why the "fag" jokes started in force that year. Anyway, I never admitted to myself or anyone else that I was gay until I went off to college and met my first openly gay person. Then I was out like a shot. I'm pretty sure that if I had been given any choice at all in High School, I would have come out then. But there were no programs in place. Gay wasn't an alternative. It was something that people just ignored, leaving queer kids to suffer all by themselves. Luckily, the world is changing. Granted it's changing at a glacial pace, but with the internet now available even to queer kids living in the middle of nowhere, the situation is much improved since I was 15.

So, just as an epilogue, this guy Mark, who I haven't seen or spoken to since I found out about his betrayal in junior high, sees my profile on one of the gay contact sites this past year and writes to find out if it's me. I seriously considered answering and saying "you've got some serious nerve to even think of contacting me after the way you ruined my life in school." But in the end, I decided just to ignore him. He's a part of my distant past, which is where he belongs.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"


www.myspace.com/patnelsonchilds

Pixiecorpse6's picture

I knew after I dated three

I knew after I dated three guys. I always knew I was attracted to other girls, especially after i hit puberty, but I always thought I was bi until mid-tenth grade. Before that there was no way I'd ever admit I was a lesbian. About a week before boyfriend number one I came out to my best friend that I thought I might be a lesbian. she was alright with it, but I wasn't. I met Andrew, dated him for two months, had sex, then he broke up with me. I felt horribly uncomfortable with every aspect of being with him, but I figured all girls felt that way. I dated another guy for no apparent reason. He asked me out, i said yes, we had sex, i felt shitty, no more communication. At least not until I sold him my old bass guitar. After that, there was no more communicatiuon. then I met guy #3. We almost had sex, but when he pulled that condom out I just felt sick, went cold, and said no. Never spoke to him at all for about three months after I came out of the closet, and told him I'm a lesbian. He was glad; he thought I hated him. He was a nice guy. But he was a guy.

Anyway. Basically I knew I liked girls my whole life. But, I knew I didn't like guys after I tried dating them. i mean, we all need to experiment now and then, right? We wouldn't know anything about ourselves if we didn't.

Pixiecorpse6's picture

I forgot about Alex!!

oooh and I can't forget Alex. Sweet sweet alex. Alex is a boy, and he's gay. I met him though my old friend Paul, because they were dating. And my god, he was a gorgeous boy. He looked like a girl. I was attracted to hium instantly, the minute I met him. I has just turned 15 and I still insisted that I was straight, just beginning to accept that I might be bi. I wondered all night why I liked Alex. then he told me this story of a straight guy who went up to him at the mall and told him he's hot. Asked him out. And he told the guy he was a guy, and he grossed out and walked away. That straight guy thought Alex was a chick! apparently things like that happened to him on numerous occasions. He looks so much like a woman that if it weren't for his flat chest, he'd pass as one. No make up necessary. And I loved it. then I thought about what it would be like to sleep with him. the thought of him showing me his penis sickened me. I wished he we a she. Then I realized, to my absolute horror, "My God I'm a lesbian." I denied it for almost a year. I came out this past summer, at 16.

hellonwheels's picture

probably when I was 8.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Piedmon's picture

Hmm...

When didn't I know is a much better question. Practically flew out of the womb singing showtunes in rainbow colored clothing.
-
My other car is a bubble.

lookin to the future...'s picture

i remember the moment perfectly...

i have always been attracted to girls.... in ignorant bliss though, i always played it off until my sophomore year.... around that time i began to identify myself (only in the deep deep parts of my brian) as bi. i continued to have "crushes" on boys but never seemed to be attracted to them the same way most girls were....
about 9 months ago i came to soccer practice and almost died when a "newbie" came to try out... she was HOTT.. fucking HOTT! in that instant, i remember it sooo well, i knew i was a lesbian.... i had never ever been attracted to a boy like i was attracted to this girl... from the beginning we clicked and were totally into each other (all though neither of us said anything...) as you can imagine, it turned out disasterous in the end.... i don't regret any of it though because without her i would probabaly still be totally in denial.

pink hair on girls's picture

i realize now that i have

i realize now that i have been attracted to girls forever . . . i had crushes on boys when i was little, but they were always the really girly boys (who now have turned out to be gay) i used to play house with my friend devyn, and he would play the girl, i would play the guy. I also used to play with my friends that we would get married. they were joking, i wasn't. By 6th grade, i kind of acknowledged that girls were hot, and when i looked at girls, i would wonder what it would be like to kiss them, and i would think they were really beautiful(i kind of had a fascination with boobs as soon as people started getting them) i thought i was bi in 7th grade, but now i realize that i'm gay. i dont really feel anything when i kiss guys, or touch them. i think theyre hot, but nothing more.
============================================
make love not war . . . . or be abstinent and bomb everybody!!!!
also, happy holidays!!!!!!!

the ghost's picture

....

I was about 8 and my best friend informed me of this "terrible thing called being gay" and I sort of knew then that maybe I was gay, but I forgot about it really,though it was always in the back of my head until I hit my teens and then the agony of confusion and self acceptance began.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

Dymphna's picture

I really don't know when...I

I really don't know when...I think I professed myself to my close friend as being "bisexual" but that was just something we were kicking around in seventh grade. I don't think either of us knew what it meant. I was also dating some guy who I refused to even touch, lol...wonderful relationship. The only other guy I dated is a flaming gay guy, amazing and wonderful, I love him to death, but we realized it was sooooo ironic. It wasn't until 10th grade or so that I knew, it was when I started liking my ex. But even before that, I'd read sites like AfterEllen.com and be like...wow. that's me. So probably 9th grade.

Duncan's picture

Hm... Me...

Me, I found out in the spring of grade 8. I'll do the math... I was fourteen. Spring 2003. yea... sounds about right... So anyway. I guess I could go back to grade one with this. In grade one, I met this boy named Lucas. I really liked him. We were awesome friends... Looking back, I don't know if I had a crush on him, or if it was because he was the boy who fought off all the bullies. But I have a funny feeling that I did have feelings for him. I dunno. Anyways. In grade 3-ish I got it into my head that guys were supposed to fall in love/marry girls. I kinda thought love sounded cool, so I was like "OK". I had some crushes on girls when I was growing up. When I was about 11-12, so puberty, I discovered boys. Really... I *loved* boys. But I never payed it any heed. I figured I was straight. I loved a girl after all. (But WANTED men) Anyway. I remember when I was 14. I was sitting on my bed, reading a book on teenages sexuality/puberty. (Looking at boys, like usual...) This book had a nice sized section on homosexuality, and since I knew homosexuality=boy+boy, I decuided to read it. Well, I finally learned what all my feelings meant... I thought for the first time what it would be like to kiss a boy. To love a boy. And God, I forgot all about girls in like a second... haha And there it is...

Yuki Kitsune's picture

My dreams told me. I have

My dreams told me. I have dreams of kissing boys and having sex with girls. That happened about...um....let's say the past four years? Yeah, that's basically it.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
Addicted to sax....and lovin' it!
-I'm a saxophone player :P

moxie's picture

Not to be stereotypical, but

Not to be stereotypical, but having been involved in theatre througout my childhood, I pretty much grew up around gay men. I was always confused when my elementary school buddies giggled when I mentioned "Paul's boyfriend" who baked cookies for the cast.

I didn't know that girls could be gay until much later. I had a "boyfriend" in 6th grade (who ironically came out his freshman year), but I really had my eye on Rachael, the 19 year-old choreographer for the pom squad. I was utterly obsessed with her, but I never associated my fantasies with homosexuality until I was in high school.

Now it's my junior year, and I came out as a lesbian in September (yay for me!!!) I moved two years ago, but I'm still friends with my 6th grade "bf." He's president of the GSA at his school...I'm really proud of him. He has been my inspiration to be "out and proud!!"

moxie-(n.) the ability to face difficulty with strength and courage

QueerItUp's picture

I just thought about it.

I never had any elementary school experiences. In fact, I was pretty ignorant about sexuality. Like, I understood that my father inserted his penis into my mother's vagina and ejaculated and so on (which seemed pretty gross at the time), but I didn't understand what that meant.

But, as I got into middle school, I started to look at womyn mostly. So, naturally I wanted to have sex with them, but when I would masturbate, I was thinking mainly about guys. So, I thought, "what the hell does that mean?"

Then, I thought about girls more when masturbating, and it was how I got aroused, actually, but then I would gravitate again toward thinking about guys.

I still didn't really understand this until my sophomore year in high school, and I decided by that time after my mental exploration (I'm still a virgin, for the better, ultimately) that I must be bisexual. So, it's kind of a banal story really, nothing fancy.

"Either you repeat the same conventional doctrines everybody is saying, or else you say something true, and it will sound like it's from Neptune." ~~ Avram Noam Chomsky

Shenlong the Arcane's picture

When I was in 8th grade, I

When I was in 8th grade, I had recently broken up with my abusive girlfriend. I was still horribly depressed when Nick moved to my town. We had the same home room and I thought he was attractive. I went into an even deeper depression thinking I was gay. (dumb I know). LAter that year I acknowleged I'm bi. I put it out of my mind and ignored/denied it until my sophmore year. I fell in love with this guy named Justin. I became madly obsessed with him, we were friends. Iasked him this past summer if he was gay or bi and he crushed me by saying. "Do I act like a fag?! Shit!" I came out as bi in my sophmore year. NO gay/bi guys within 25 miles! I've had two bf's, one flaming gayand a play actor, he was into the whole"let's have sex all the time!" thing, and Preston. I was stupid and cheated on him! He's god's gift to guys!

raining men's picture

14

14 I think in the year 9-10 summer holidays (grades 8-9 for all you yanks). I don't actually remember but I'm sure it was around then. It wasn't really a big revelation I just think it finally occured to me that the sexual attraction to men meant I was gay. It was pretty obvious before then, I just never realised. One guy knew I was gay when I was 8

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"

commander147's picture

well most of my out story is

well most of my out story is in the coming out section (under my name... gee thats a shock..) but hmm when did i first know... thats a hard question... you see... I always thought every boy saw boys like I did... I gave myself excuses... (I can seperate myself from personal oppinions to judge based off of logical reasonings.) When could I point out signs (when looking through hind sight? oh probably in 3rd grade.... when did I admit the possibility not everyone saw boys like I did... probably about 8th grade.... when did i admit that meant something about who I was... 11th grade... but... from accepting that i was "different"... to being the outspoken proud fag took me all of about 1 month......

Go to any quiet place and listen, and soon you will hear the voices of those who came before you. Long after we leave this place, our voices will echo in these halls.

allison322's picture

when did i know?

i suppose im doin this right. im tryin to reply to that original girls post about "when did u know.." well...

i can trace it back to maybe 6th or 7th grade when i thought "hey..girls...hmm.." but i never really thought about it much until it became almost all i could think about in 11th grade..

in 11th grade that's when it all started. i started to see this 1 girl.. the only girl i've ever been with and have ever messed around with and now, i love her. as far as sexuality.. idk. i don't worry about it much. i love this girl and want to be with her forever so who cares if i like guys or girls or both or whatever. i'm with her and that's all that counts

MadMagFreak's picture

Seventh grade-ish?

Even though this was like two years ago, I bearly remember any of it. I remember one day just flipping through channels and I came upon Logo. I thought that some of the guys were cute, but just ignored it for a while. A few weeks later, the new season of Survivor had started and I thought that one of the contestant's was so hot! I got pretty wierded out, and denied it for a while. Then one day, I just looked in the mirror and said "I am gay, so what." I said it every day until I got more and more comfortable with it. Silly, I know, but then it just became easier to deal with.

-Ruby-'s picture

aight...

for me i cant really pin-point the exact moment when i knew i was a queer girl. there wasnt one... but there were definite signs on the way. when i was real young i started going to this jewish overnight camp evry august and i had crushes on a few of my counsellors... of course at the time i didnt know they were crushes... i mean a lot of little girls look up to older girls and want to emulate them and stuff. but this might have gone a little further, emotionally... i dint just want to BE them, i wanted to be WITH them... curl up in their beds and cuddle with them. not in a sexual way of course, i mean becuz i was a kid i had no idea what sex was. i just knew i wanted to be with them. I took all kinds of extracurricular classes growing up... and while developing skills in things such as dance and swim, i also developed crushes on my dance and swim teachers. by 7th grade i had a severe crush on this girl in my class who i wasnt really even freinds with, and due to the fact that i was a huge awkward loser/social outcast at the time, she prolly hated me. Highschool was a long, depressing blur and i dont remember that much of it... just dating random guys thru 11th and 12th grade and feeling unsatisfied. this continued thru first yr university and most of 2nd. that february i made out with a girl for the first time... and altho i didnt like her, the expereince made me realize that i for sure wanted to be with a girl again... after talking to this older chick who i completely looked up to and her telling me she was bi, i finally felt it was ok for me to say it out loud. so i came out as bi to all my freinds. eventually i began dating girls, it hasnt been easy but i have gotten so much out of it, and i know i am finally on the path to finding the person who is right for me.

Acridmelanthe's picture

A few days ago, maybe a week

A few days ago, maybe a week ago, it finally clicked to me that I was ftm. I figured out I was pansexual at about fifteen after I started going to an art high school (OCHSA) and first met gay, lesbian, bi and transvestite people who were out and proud and...there. They were ambient, they weren't necessarily in my face, but they were ambient and the topic of sexual identity was much discussed in the Visual Arts, Theatre and Creative Writing departments (not so much in the dance, production/stage tech, or instrumental music departments, for some reason). However, I struggled with my gender identity for many years after that, only having research as a friend and having no rainbow contacts (having no contacts at all, really--homeschooling cuts your social prospects way down).

I first started feeling inklings when I delved into the most normal of teenage internet pursuits: smut. I prefer story to image, and because of that I found myself deep in the jungle that was yaoi (that's a term for boy/boy smut). From there I segued into more exotic things, and it got me thinking about...things. Me. Sex as something more than the scientific, psychological, detached sort of topic it had been in my youth.

By complete chance I fell upon the modern dandy movement about a month or so ago, which seems to contain many ftm people. It took time because the internet is a place of gender neutrality unless effort is made, but a few days ago I came across an artist who was an out ftm. His artistic works were really what spoke to me, what 'clicked' everything. It also helped that I found him on LJ and he turned out to be very friendly as well as having lots of common interests to me.

Today I was feeling more and more depressed about being ftm as I did research on legal stuff and surgery, and then my friend Brigid IMed me; we spoke for a while and I told her that I was angsting over this. She said that she knew someone I should talk to. Just like that. Just one week has changed me so much. I still have so many hurdles to overcome, but it's amazing to me that so much change has come in so short a time.

I guess my message to you, dear Hana, is that life is amazing, and there are always people out there who will support you. They're in the most unexpected places, perhaps, but you'll find them. Life will work out if you just keep a positive attitude. ^_^ *huggle* Hermaphroditos bless.

.oOo.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2928210/1/
My retelling of Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

jojojo's picture

What's the modern dandy

What's the modern dandy movement?

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)

milee13's picture

I was fifteen when I

I was fifteen when I acknowledged to myself that I wasn't straight. Looking back on my childhood I'm not really surprised. I started coming out when I was a junior, was out at school to pretty much everyone my senior year and spent the first fews weeks at college before I realized that being back in the closet was why I was having such mixed feelings about school and was so high strung all of the time. My first real crush on a girl was sixth grade I think, so I was probably eleven or twelve.

I identify as queer or gay because I'm just not too keen on the term lesbian, I have no idea why. As far as my gender identity goes...well, I'm biologically female, but I'm a bit of an androgyne.

A Guy Named Joe's picture

I knew at 12

One night, when I was 12 years old and still thought I was straight, I was thinking how great the world would be if men married men and women married woman. The thought of heterosexual sexual contact really grossed me out. And then, because I'm such a genius, I put 2 and 2 together and realized I was gay! But how could this be? Me? Gay? Impossible! Over the years, I have come to except it, and realize that it's okay to like guys instead of girls. It's just society that makes us question ourselves.
Since when did "queer" come back? Oh, well. I guess I'll have to start using it.

scandalboy's picture

i honestly can't remember

i honestly can't remember anything about when i first realized i was gay - i think i have repressed all those memories because i hated my childhood. not that it was terrible, i had a loving home (on the surface) but i think i was just had so much hatred towards myself that at one point i just shut down, and now i don't have clear, precise memories of my childhood.

Icarus's picture

i think i kind of always

i think i kind of always knew i just didn't have a name for it.

i remember very clearly having a very child-like crush on what's her name from barney....Minh or something like that, she sure was cute....

god, how did my parents not figure this one out?

"Yes! No! Oh, damn!"

brenna0729's picture

Uhm.

I can trace it back to 5th or 6th grade when my friends [ girls ] were curious about what french kissing was like. So the 3 of us went into a girls bathroom stall and stood on the toilet seeing what it was like. It was pretty much only me and Ashley kissing and Jasmine thought it was gross but I had no problem with it. I didn't really think anything of that but I always kinda had a wandering eyes for girls, the crushes on 20 something old women teachers, and the short relationships with guys that when they left me I was like "oh well!". But it wasn't until recently that I had realized I was bi / les since I had a crush on my best friend. So I guess 9th grade-ish is when I started thinking I was one or the other. I still am.

theonechickcagelle's picture

8th grade. Age 13. It began

8th grade. Age 13. It began as a hypothetical situation. I basically imagined my life as a gay woman. Then it occurred to me that this might be a reality. So many pieces from my past fit with the idea: my love of women wearing very little clothing, the strong, unidentifiable feeling for one of my friends, the strong, intense love for Idina Menzel and Hilary Swank, the fact that I didn’t care at all about what guys thought of me but it mattered more than anything what girls thought, etc. I know that some of those things don’t sound very logical but all of that was what I was thinking at the time. I was damn confused.

A few months after I began to question my sexuality, I told my mom that I was confused. She told me that she didn’t think I was gay but she supported me. At camp that summer I told my cabin I was confused. All of them supported me and were totally cool with it. At the beginning of my freshman year my best friend told me he was gay and I told him the same thing. I went to our school’s GSA meetings and totally loved them. Then I fell in love, hardcore, with the president.

Honestly, now, I’m still a little confused. I’m so sure of my sexuality, everything points to gay, but there are times when I go back to wondering, “Is it a phase?” “Am I just doing it to be cool?” “Why can’t I like boys?” But I can answer those: No, No, and I am not romantically attracted to boys.

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

peanut_gallery's picture

Idina Menzel!

She's pretty amazing, yeah. When I was 8 I had a crush on Maureen. =)

Sidera cadentia somnos suadent.
(Aeneid 2.9)

Qkumbre's picture

When Did I Know

When did I know, per se? I'm sure I got a lot of hints, but in seventh grade I developed a crush on a friend of mine without realizing it. I obsessed over her, wanted to touch her face and her hair, went out of my way being rediculous to make her laugh.

One night I dreamed about her naked, and her body was really beautiful. I woke up at two am, terrified and in tears, and just said ot myself "oh god...I'm gay."

Yeah, I'm sort of dramatic. But while I knew what gay was, I had very little knowledge of it, what it meant, or what being gay in society was like. I thought it was still in a state where everyone would disown me and think I was disgusting. I didnt even know if there were laws against it. How relieved I was to find out that my friends and family would accept me. Horray for GSA!

jojojo's picture

Now looking back, I was all

Now looking back, I was all crushing on this girl at my school. I was perhaps 12, she was 17. I remember sitting at the piano and composing a little song out of her name and my declaration of how much I wanted to stick with her. I even wrote in my diary that I fell in love with her.
This is the earliest lesbian thing I remember, but at that time I did not "realize" anything. Even though I wrote down that I was in love with her. But after some time, I corrected myself and stated that that had not really been "being in love". (?!?!)
There were a few more similar occurrances, and I see them documented in my diary, even that pondered on whether I was lesbian. (My conclusion was always: no.)

The strange thing, in the face of what I find in my diary, is that when I was entering my first lesbian involvement, I told my soon-to-by-my-girlfriend that I was not lesbian, without any conscience that I was not telling her the truth. I admitted that I was in love with her, and did not waste very much time before fully entering an intense relationship with her, but I always thought of this as point zero of my lesbian life.

I think sexuality is somehow fluid... or at least I like that idea. I most like to call myself queer, but I also very often call myself lesbian. Of all the available labels (except queer perhaps) it is the most appropriate for me. And I feel okay with it. But I am aware that the future is open.

For me there has always remained a little mystery about sexuality. I have also long resisted the idea of everyone having something like a sexual orientation. I found it so strange that there would be something in my which unifies all women and all men, and that I would somehow systematically react to one group differently than to the other. I was very romantic. I wanted every one of my loves and human relationships to be unique. I thought that if I were to understand myself as lesbian, I would thereby diminish the uniqueness of my experiences, subsuming them all under the banner of "lesbianism", or "some standard relationship with a woman".
I have over time become a bit less insistent upon this uniqueness. I still don't understand it why many people are always attracted to people of the same sex, but now I am more like: Well, why not? It seems to be the case for a great number of people, perhaps also for me. I have also started to give sex a bigger role in thinking about all this. And I have thought about (and imagined and had) sex slightly more often, and that has confirmed me in thinking of myself simply as lesbian.

I have had a couple of situations with men which I don't really know how to make sense of them. I have once been in bed with a men, and then in the last moment I made up my mind that I did not want to have intercourse with him. I don't remember how I found it. Not overwhelming in any case. The memory of it has almost faded. But certainly, maybe once I will be sexual with a man again. But it is not part of my desires at the moment actually.
I also try to resist the thought that there is just one form of true sex for each way of bringing two people together. Like, if I am with a woman, THIS is how sex works, and if I am with a man sexually, it has to be INTERCOURSE. I mean, this is what we hear so often, especially regarding heterosexual sex. Luckily with lesbian sex, there is a bit more freedom. So I am also telling myself: Okay, I don't have to have all my possible relationships to men be determined by the question whether I want their cock in my crotch.

But then again, I think I only ponder over the question of men so much because of the need to define my sexuality. If I weren't constantly imagining and experiencing the need to clarify whether I am interested ONLY in women or ALSO in men, I would probably never have started to think about men sexually. So: my conclusion: I am lesbian, for all practical purposes.

By the way, I only came ocross the german equivalent to "gay" when I was 10. Boys in my class were using it as the latest slur, and I went home and looked it up secretly in the dictionary.

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)

love__x's picture

wow...

DSounds like my life haNa. I guess i've only just realised, i mean i've known for years, although i thought i was bi, but now i know that im not, im a lesbian, and im only 14!