When did you know you were queer? Do you know? Will you ever know?
I have a very vivid memory of pre-school (and this is strange, as I have very few of these) in which we were all discussing who we intended to marry. Two of my female classmates exclaimed that they intended to betroth each other. As I was a witty 3 year old I explained to them that that would mean they were gaaaaaaaay.... Oooooh.
Now, even though I said this, I still don't think I knew what it meant. I understood the basics. 2 girls getting married = gay. But, what did that mean?? I could make a sentence about it, but really hadn't the slightest clue what it meant.
So, I started getting older. OF COURSE I had crushes on other girls, but... All girls did, right? And then I feel madly in love with Legolas. Orlando Bloom? No way! Legolas was so much... more feminine?
6th grade. I was still so confused. I was in love with my neighbor, Amber. I held her hand and we were friendly. We always joked, and sometimes I'd try to kiss her. But, that was nothing right? Just girls being silly...
Suddenly, a started to realize what "gay" and "bisexual" were. And then began the 2 years of utter confusion. At first, I felt like I might be bisexual. But, more and more I felt as if the only men that even slightly appealed to me were very feminine ones. And then I hit puberty. Suddenly, sexuality meant more than crushes. It meant SEXuality. That was the beggining. I found I was only sexually interested in woman. Soley. That's it. No men.
So, that should of cleared it up, right? No way. I have, and always will have, an extreme appreciation for the male form. I can certainly appreciate the beauty in it. The long muscular legs of some athletes are extremely attractive, but not in any sexual way. I can see pictures of male models and fall in love, but only as an amature photographer.
This is what true confusion was to me. All I could see myself doing was getting married to another woman and having children. Yet, I still found men somewhat beautiful. But one day it clicked. The simple idea of having sex with a man was repulsive. Sure men were beautiful. But, women were beautiful. They were lovely. They were love.
So, I don't think I really understood until I was 13, which for some is early, and for some is late.
Wow, I wrote a lot, didn't I?
Well, I'd love to hear your story, and I'm curious as to if people really do know. I feel as if I do know, but I understand there is all this new research saying sexuality is fluid.
So, how did you figure it out?