Wow. I Really F**ked Up Big Time. :-(

Riski_Call92's picture

This week has been shit....Absolute shit (exclude the job interview I went for on Wednesday). I really like my P.E. (she doesn't teach me the class this year, but it's easier saying that, so I'll just pretend that she is, cuz she taught me last year) teacher....so then I finally told my counsellor yesterday, and then she said, "You and I both know that you'll get hurt, if you try to act on it."....after that, she told me that it could only be a fantasy, and that's all it'd ever be. She's right....Ms. Slackson (my nick for her) wouldn't jepoardize her job. She wouldn't jepoardize being hauled off to jail. And, I know that deep down, but it still hurts to hear my counsellor say that. It hurts, knowing that it will never be. I won't ever be able to go up to her in the hall (or wherever) and just hug her...I won't be able to get close to her (in a non-sexual way). I almost started crying...I don't know why I didn't. And that's not even the worst of it. Just last night, a friend of mine signed on, and she asked me why I had a crush (her word, not mine) on Ms. Slackson. *She actually used the real name, but, for personal safety's sake, I'm not going to say it.* She also said it was gross....I was like, "Huh? What? What are you on about??" Wondering if I had really been that obvious. Then, she told me about the story I wrote....similar to my fantasy/dream. She said, "I know you wrote it." Then she told me she knew it was the teacher, because of the description I'd put in the story. My friend told me, "Look, I don't mind that you're gay, but we [her other friend as well] get a little weirded out." Then she proceeded to explain why, that I embarrass them, by...By being fucking prideful. For FUCK'S sake....It's not like I pushed you up a wall, and tried to make out with you! Why is it such an annoyance that I'm different/that I think girls are hotter than guys? Why!?

Fucking hell. It hurts....I value my friends' opinions of me....There's this ball of anger, guilt and sadness inside my gut....

I can't tell anyone...I can't trust anymore.....I just can't. One way or another, it'd get back to my parents.....I've almost told them, but then, realized that a. Mom would hurt me more emotionally (by being homophobic) and b. Dad wouldn't really appreciate having one of his little girls turn out gay...even though he IS accepting...He said so himself.

And I can't say anything to one of the T.A.s at school....cuz she's BOUND to tell the school authorities. There's no way someone could just sit there, and NOT tell them. No fucking way, I tell you.

I'm tempted to say something....but I can't. Too risky.

Well, I'm outta here, so peace.

~Randi

Comments

Anonymity's picture

I can't imagine what it

I can't imagine what it would be like to hear that from a friend. I'm really sorry that you had to deal with that. The only thing I can really say (I'm sorry if I sound all advice-like, I don't mean to, really) is to try and not depend on someone else's opinion. Of course they're important, but not if they make you feel guilty or depressed for being who you are. It's not worth it. I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to say that "everyone's here for a reason, damnit"! You are important.

Riski_Call92's picture

Thanks, and it's okay that

Thanks, and it's okay that you sound advice-like...I guess I kinda needed some. And, what you say...it makes sense. I should make that one of my 2007 New Year's Resolutions: To be more prideful....and try not to let people's opinions get to me. Lol. Thanks again. :-)

~Randi