Another Day In A Cutter's Mind

Riski_Call92's picture

Okay, so today sucked. Double Science...Yeeuck. AND it's not with Ms. S, either. :-( Double whoo-hoo. Not.
I lost my blade today...at school in a toilet...Damn. No cutting. That sucks...seeing how much I cut today...about maybe six or seven seperate times...I'm like addicted to it.... :-( There's these huge red cuts all over my stomach and around my...ehem, places...Uhm, yeah. Anyways.
I lost the fucking blade, it was the only one I had, too. God damnit. Then, I silently cried, leaning against the stall wall....I kept whispering/mouthing that I hated myself...then I got out, when to the mirror (there was no one in the room) and 'said': "Are you fucking proud, you fucking cutter?' over and over again. THEN, I dried my eyes, and went back to class, pretending that I hadn't just been cutting and crying. Usual.

I honestly don't know how I'm gonna get through tomorrow without cutting though...If I'm not cutting at school, I want to be walking around the school aimlessly and lost in thought, my heart pounding fast...I do it every morning before classes start, because I can't stand to be in my homeroom classroom more than absolutely necessary...Man. I am SO fucked up right now....Too many things going through my head at once.

Another thing is that I found out from a source who is in Ms. S.'s class that Ms. S. wasn't gonna be around for midterms (later this month) because she "was getting surgery on her knee"....Poor girl...Wow. I really need to get over myself...DAMMIT.

Major realization, if you couldn't see. I see one of the school counsellors tomorrow...Shit. My counsellor (I don't know if I mentioned her name in previous entries, so, for that sake, I won't mention her name) might have spoken to the school counsellor about my cutting. God. Damn. It. And, if she did, he's gonna ask about it...Gonna ask to see my arms...even if it hasn't been my arms where I've been cutting. But, still. Phys. Ed. tomorrow...Gonna have to grab a stall. I'm not about to change and let anyone see my marks/scars. Nuh-uh. No way, Jose.

Kay, well, I'm gonna let you all go, now. So, see you...

~Randi

P.S. If anyone cares to send me a pencil sharpener blade, I'm all for her. :3 Thanks. I'll even pay you..Hah.

Comments

Toph's picture

NO! NO, no, NO! Please stop

NO! NO, no, NO!

Please stop cutting yourself! I know what it's like, since I used to be a cutter myself. I know it is very addicting, and I still do it when I get overly stressed , depressed, or angry. The last time I cut was about three months ago because school was overbearing and my Mom was treating me unfairly. But an everyday thing is very bad for you. Please, stop. I know it's hard, but it is possible. At least try not to make it a daily thing. Later in life you'll regret the scars. Your body will be ridden with the scars, and your lover would see them and wonder what happened. You'll have to constantly give others excuses for your marks. You'll never get to go to the beach or swim without people seeing the scars. Just, rethink things, okay?

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

msquared's picture

There are better ways...

I'm no expert counselor or anything, but just throwing this out there...maybe you could do something else everytime you get the urge to cut? Like go for a run or do 10 pushups or write a poem or something...I don't know. I just know that you're getting into a very unhealthy habit and you're too awesome to cut yourself like that. I really hope things get better for you. You'll be in my prayers!

“Never forget! The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

808Chik's picture

man...please stop?...while i

man...please stop?...while i was reading your post, i was like "shiit i used to be like that" and i started to tear. it's not right and not healthy to be doing it on an everyday basis...i know that i helps for the time being and stuff...god i was a cutter and i may have the urge to every once in a while but i think to myself "is this what i want to be doing whenever i get mad, sad, or depressed? is this what i want my life to revolve around and always resort to this?" and then i end up not doing it

hun cutting isn't good for you...talk it out. c'mon you have US, your Oasis fmaily to talk to, we're all here for you especially me. if you need to talk i'm here okie?

"i am who i am, so don't judge me for being myself"

taste the rainbow's picture

Perhaps it's a good thing it

Perhaps it's a good thing it went down the toilet. The way I see it is it's a chance for you to kind of start over? Don't go looking for another blade, instead, like msquared said, try to find an alternative. I remember, a whiiile back, someone on oasis suggested an elastic around the wrist, just give it a snap, leaves no scars, it actually worked great and I suggest it. Also I know that this one is kind of silly but I also started to wax my legs, and other areas that require shaving ;) instead of shave. a) you won't have to shave every friggin like 5 days and b) you'll never have to look at any kind of razor again!

"What they don't know can't hurt them

but it sure as hell can hurt me"

Toph's picture

Oh, yes! I used to the the

Oh, yes! I used to the the rubberband deal, except I used a ponytail holder with a small metal band on it. I snapped the metal band onto the underside of my wrist. It hurt so bad and welted terribly that it hurt to rotate or bend my wrist. That helped me stop the self-harm habit because I hated feeling helpless being unable to write without the welts in my wrists hurting. I guess what I did to help me stop was make myself realize that my harming techniques did help temporary problems, but brought more lasting ones later, like when I tried to type on the comp but it was so painful because of the welts.

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

Rainbow_Al's picture

I used to cut, and still do

I used to cut, and still do when i feel there is no alternative. i have started doing what Toph suggested. it works great. it is painful (so can replace cutting as a punishment or cutting so you don't feel numb)
give it a go. anything is better than cutting

There are a few things in life worth dying for; but there are a million things worth living for!