Okay, so today sucked. Double Science...Yeeuck. AND it's not with Ms. S, either. :-( Double whoo-hoo. Not.
I lost my blade today...at school in a toilet...Damn. No cutting. That sucks...seeing how much I cut today...about maybe six or seven seperate times...I'm like addicted to it.... :-( There's these huge red cuts all over my stomach and around my...ehem, places...Uhm, yeah. Anyways.
I lost the fucking blade, it was the only one I had, too. God damnit. Then, I silently cried, leaning against the stall wall....I kept whispering/mouthing that I hated myself...then I got out, when to the mirror (there was no one in the room) and 'said': "Are you fucking proud, you fucking cutter?' over and over again. THEN, I dried my eyes, and went back to class, pretending that I hadn't just been cutting and crying. Usual.
I honestly don't know how I'm gonna get through tomorrow without cutting though...If I'm not cutting at school, I want to be walking around the school aimlessly and lost in thought, my heart pounding fast...I do it every morning before classes start, because I can't stand to be in my homeroom classroom more than absolutely necessary...Man. I am SO fucked up right now....Too many things going through my head at once.
Another thing is that I found out from a source who is in Ms. S.'s class that Ms. S. wasn't gonna be around for midterms (later this month) because she "was getting surgery on her knee"....Poor girl...Wow. I really need to get over myself...DAMMIT.
Major realization, if you couldn't see. I see one of the school counsellors tomorrow...Shit. My counsellor (I don't know if I mentioned her name in previous entries, so, for that sake, I won't mention her name) might have spoken to the school counsellor about my cutting. God. Damn. It. And, if she did, he's gonna ask about it...Gonna ask to see my arms...even if it hasn't been my arms where I've been cutting. But, still. Phys. Ed. tomorrow...Gonna have to grab a stall. I'm not about to change and let anyone see my marks/scars. Nuh-uh. No way, Jose.
Kay, well, I'm gonna let you all go, now. So, see you...
P.S. If anyone cares to send me a pencil sharpener blade, I'm all for her. :3 Thanks. I'll even pay you..Hah.