Excuse me, could you please pass the Jesus?

msquared's picture

Well fuck in a bucket, I feel horrible squared. Fate's given me a big ol' kick in zie balls. My other grandma passed away this week, making the score death: 4, grandparents: 0. So I've been in Chicago for the past two days attending her wake and funeral. That would've been bad enough, but I was [and still am] sick with a nasty biznatch of a cold, to boot. And of course there was plenty of family drama, which is the worst kind. My aunt is being a bitch and my dad is going fucking insane. Yesterday, after we got back home, my dad found an empty hot dog box in the fridge device that someone forgot to throw out, so he found it necessary to scream at my brother and me and then dash to the bar to drink till 2 in the morning. This is his solution for most problems. Needless to say, (6 hour road trip + plague + funeral) x pissed alcoholic = a very miserable me.

But wait! The plot thickens...like some sort of gay stew! Items in my mom's purse include: wallet, kleenex, chapstick, keys and a cassette titled "Hope for the Homosexual: Finding Your Moral Compass-Part 4." Um, double take! Jigga-what? I know my mom isn't thrilled about my choice in lifestyle, but I had no idea she would go so far as to buy this religious drivel to try and "save" me. I just wanna punch something...namely the priest who's distributing this hogwash. I listened to the tape to see what shitty sermon is crawling around in the mama machine's head and I came very close to vomiting after it was done. No lie. The jackass on the tape was riding the ignoramus express, 4 realz. I'm not gonna go into details, but if his sermon were congress, the majority would be the shitocrats. It'd definitely be a good idea to talk to my mom about this and prevent her from becoming a complete homophobic psycho, but I'm a bit afeared. We're about as close as China and Paraguay and we've never talked about this. Basically I came out to her, she was a bitch for two days, and now we act like it never happened. And I also act like Melancholy Boy whenever I'm around her because...well, I don't exactly know. I'm just constantly annoyed by her and hate being around her. Call it teenager syndrome deluxe. I don't know if I have the strength to confront her about this, so I think I'm going to wait until either my bitterness cools down or I find it necessary to talk to her. For right now, screeeeew it! [Oh, and if you were wondering how I would know what's in my mom's purse, she had my brother clean it out for her and he found it, eventually telling me...who do you think I am? Gollum?]

Thanks again to everybody who commented on my last entry...you guys are so incredibly supportive and amazing and squeeeeee! I love you all. It may just be the sickness talking, but I think I'm going to give it a rest with lover boy. The ever-helpful Mr. J to the eff had a good point when he said I shouldn't be worrying about if I'm good enough for him, but if he's good enough for me. And by George, I don't think he IS good enough for me! I was so desperate for a friend of the boy variety that I blinded myself to the fact that this guy really isn't that groovy. I was drawn like a moth into the light, but instead I was a homo being drawn into the cute! So I've decided I could do better and am basically going to slap a fat "jk!" on this whole business. There are other fish in the sea and I don't want this lame tuna fish of a gay boy...I want Flipper, damn it! (Oh yeah, he's not a fish...oh wellz, close enough...)

And this whole escapade left me feeling really insecure, too. Like whenever I looked into the mirror I saw a fugly person staring back and I was constantly worrying about how I was coming off to this guy...did he think I was weird? Annoying? Ugly? A freak? Those thoughts just aren't healthy. They do nothing for nobody. So ex-ne on anybody who gives me low self-esteem-ne.

Mmmm, I feel much better now. Kudos if you read all the way through this bitch! Catch you cool cats later!


patnelsonchilds's picture

I feel your pain, my friend.

I feel your pain, my friend. I have no particular advice, because you're handling everything exactly the way you should, in my opinion. My only caution is, beware of parents carrying religious materials. There are places where they send kids to "unqueer" them and you're still young enough for them to maybe get the idea in their heads. So take things easy with mom is my suggestion. Don't push her buttons too hard over this. If you want to confront her about it, do it gently and keep your cool. I do NOT want to have to figure out a way to bust you out of some Christian bootcamp.

I think you're attitude about the boy toy is just right, and it's good that you heard what Jeff said, because it's true. You're a good-looking, kind-hearted, creative and incredibly smart guy, and there's no need for you to ever compromise.

Hope your cold gets better soon, sweetie.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

diginetgod's picture

Don't Settle for Second Best

I guess I should be happy that, despite my mom having problems, she at least doesn't think she can change me. Beware those overly religious types. Luckly you have professionals on your side. All the major psychiatric and medical institutions have denounced the ex-gay movement and say that trying to change someones sexuality is dangerous to their mental health and rarely works. If you want to know more about this crackpot movement just go to the websites for "Focus On The Family" or "Exodus" (a homosexual conversion camp). I had a good night of throwing up thanks to those two

When it comes to your possible lover-boy, I'd say that if you don't think he's enough to meet your needs than don't bother. Have some self-pride! You deserve all the best in life and that includes a cute he-is-as-perfect-as-perfect-can-be type of guy who also is just as interested in you as you are in him. Granted I don't have any relationship experience (love eludes me) but I can tell you that I'm not going to snap up the first gay boy I can. I want him to be somewhat smart (I'm a hard act to follow, not to toot my own horn so-to-speak), good-looking (at leats to me), healthy, a vegetarian (at least), and preferrably athiest. I probably will have to make some sacrifices if I truly love their personality and how they make me feel, but I will never settle for second-best when it comes to our emotional connection and how I truly feel. I don't know maybe I'm too much of an idealist.

Oops, sorry. feel like I wrote an essay. Anyway, good luck. Peace!

the ghost's picture


I'm so sorry that your grandma passed away *Hugs*

I agree with Pat about how to approach the situation with your mother,it seems like the best thing to do.And regarding the boy issue,if he was making you question your own worth,he is not worth it.You really are a sweet,smart, talented guy!You deserve someone who knows how lucky they are to have you! Take care man! Hope you feel better soon, having a cold is also really a big bitch!!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

oldfoxbob's picture

Suggest you contact the

Suggest you contact the local PFLAG chapter, they have a great book for parents to help understand their child coming out as gay. They also can offer advise on how to counter the religious right tape she has. good luck
Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense.

raining men's picture


Yeah your mom is being a bitch. And that tape sounds wonderful
But...on the plus side I am looking out for any sexy dolphins I can find for you

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"