beatdown's picture

Your First Name: Sam.
Your Oasis Name: beatdown
Your Age: 15
Your State: Wisconsin
Your Gender: Male on the inside, but my body disagrees.
Bio Paragraph: I love music and photography, I have three piercings, I go to a lot of shows, and I like girls. I'm FTM and I'm not ashamed of it.

(I'm not the writing type. This probably needs a lot of editing and it doesn't have a title, but I wanted to give it a try)

It was my fourteenth birthday and there was a dance at the local hangout. My friends and I decided to go together. We got in Devin's car and headed towards town. I had never been to this place before. "Sam, we're gonna tear the dance floor up tonight, right?" Heather asked me before we pulled into the parking lot. "You know it, baby." I replied. We always called each other baby, it was comforting for some reason. We all got out of the car and and walked into the dance. Music was blaring and everyone rushed to the dance floor. I stayed back for a second, I was nervous and I hesitated to go out there. It was filled with people I didn't know. "C'mon Sam, lets go. Get your hot ass out here" Lila hollered to me. She rushed up and grabbed my hand and we started dancing to some upbeat rap song. A beautiful girl caught my eye while I was dancing with Lila and everybody else. She had long brown hair and a gorgeous figure. Lila and I kept dancing, but she noticed I wasn't paying attention. "What are you looking at?" she asked me. "That girl over there, she'" I didn't know what else to say. My face was a little warm from being red. I could feel it. Lila gave me a playful nudge and started moving closer to that girl. I didn't stop her. As we got closer, I noticed her amazing green eyes, my favorite. We made eye contact and my insides went on a rollercoaster ride. I looked down quickly and then back up. She smiled at me and I smiled back. Lila whispered "I'm gonna go dance with Greg and Kara, sit in that chair over there. It's right by her" Lila walked over to Greg and I did what she said. My heart was racing so fast. The girl I couldn't take my eyes off of sat down in a chair next to me with her friend and started talking to her. They were giggling and I caught myself thinking "I hope they're giggling about me." The upbeat rap song that was still playing had finally stopped and a slow song came on. A few seconds into the song the girl said "Excuse me, would you like to dance?" I didn't expect that at all. "Definately" I managed to studder out. I stood up and she put her arms around my neck and I put my hands on her waist. She looked at me directly and introduced herself. "I'm Rachel. I've never seen you here before, first time?" she asked. "I'm Sam and yes it is. My friends brought me here because it's my birthday..." I was going to say something else but she chimed in with a "Happy Birthday." We hadn't stopped making eye contact. We were really close to each other. I can't explain what I was feeling at that moment. The song was finishing up and we stopped dancing. She kissed me on the cheek and said thank you. I sat back down and replayed what just happened in my head. It was all like a dream to me. Moments later she walked back up to me and said "Some people just told me that you're a girl, are you?" I could hear the concern in her voice and the look on her face was no longer pleasent. I told her the truth. "Yeah, I am." I didn't know what was going to happen next. I was scared. "Oh my god.." she almost screamed at me. She smacked me across the face. I couldn't believe it. "You're disgusting..sick and disgusting" she said. I didn't know how to react to that. I was hurt. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I got up and left. I was nearly crying. My friends all came outside looking for me. I was in Devin's car. "What just happened?! Do you want to leave?" Devin asked me. I nodded and we all left. I felt bad for making them leave. I just couldn't stand to be there anymore. What I thought was going to be the best night of my life, my romance movie, dream like night turned into my worst nightmare in less than ten minutes.

whateversexual_llama's picture

Wpw... that's... intense. I

Wpw... that's... intense. I loved the storyline; I could really the emotion.

Except! I feel like the emotion could be better caught if you were to slow down. I'm not sure if you'll understand what I mean, but if you play around with the feel and rythm of the story; split it up into paragraphs, play around with changing sentance structure, you could make the reader feel the beat of the music.

Yeah, that made no sense. Ok... you're doing a lot of telling, when what would be best for the story is a lot of showing. Tell me how long the car ride was. Put me throug every step, every move, in that dance, so that I could dance it right here, in front of my computer. Paint me a picture of that girl.

This story has a lot of potential. PM me if you want me to go into more detail, because I love where you could take this story.

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

patnelsonchilds's picture

I also think it would

I also think it would benefit the story a lot to delve a bit more deeply into your feelings, both the up feelings of dancing with this dreamy girl and then the down feelings afterwards. I think it's something that many of us can identify with and the more depth of emotion you can put out there the better.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

the mouse that roared's picture

I agree with pat and whateversexual

This story has such intense content, but you're rushing through it. Slow down, let us see your surroundings, the girl, your clothes (maybe a bit more before or after the dance, but the time slice is pretty much OK). Where are you dancing? A gym? Is it a GSA-ish dance or not? How does everything feel, sound, smell? Maybe if you had some imagery, like Her slap rippled my eyes into a thousand pieces. That's kind of cliche, but something like that. Feel free to PM me, too.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

ForeverEndedToday's picture

Great story (I hate that it

Great story (I hate that it happened though, and sorry it did) I also agree with everyone else in slowing it down a little,and adding more detail. This is a great draft.

99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon

dykehalo's picture


I really liked your story but think it could definitaly be 20x better if you slowed it down a little. Added more detail basicaly the things that people have said above.

Y - GuRl's picture

Hey I really liked your

Hey I really liked your piece, but I agree if you made it more descriptive it'd be even better. (That really sucks that happened to you though.)

theonechickcagelle's picture

i have a tendancy to get

i have a tendancy to get sidetracked when i read, but this really kept my attention. it's uber-good. i like it. although i do agree, a bit more description would be awesome.

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