GLM: Laurén---My re-write- That actualy now has a title

dykehalo's picture

So this is my re-write or my second copy/draft of my previous one which you can find here: http://oasismag.com/2007/01/needs-a-title-but-its-my-gay-like-me-story

I tried to take everyone's constructive critism/advice. I don't think it's quite done yet but any help would be much appreciated it i love gettign comments on my writing. And i'm think of "Laurén" for my title

Your First Name- Steffaney (Steff)
Your Oasis Name- Dykehalo
Your Age- 15 soon to be 16
Your Town & City- LaSalle Ont. Canada
Your Gender- FEMALE! I LOVE being a female you get boobs….
A Little Bio Paragraph- I am a LESBIAN a darn proud of it! I enjoy reading, cooking and hanging out with my puppy. I LOVE watching movies and TV. WNBA season is the best time of my life. Detroit Shock = LOVE of my life.

I hop of the bus and begin to walk down the sidewalk towards my house like any other regular old day; one ear phone in blaring loud, the other unplugged so I’m aware of my surroundings (something my mom and dad always taught me I should be aware of). Car after car drives by nothing to exciting. Until one pulls up and stops nearby on the road. A head pops out of an open window.

“Hey FAGGOT!”

Shouts some guys from school I really don’t know and really don’t care about. They drive off. My heart is pounding. Sure I’m bulkier then your average girl but 4 guys against me wouldn’t be an even match.

The word faggot use to hurt so much. But the funny thing is it doesn’t even apply to me- I’m a girl. Faggot tends to refer to a gay guy. Over time I learned to just tune out words like lezzie, lesbo, faggot, gay dyke etc. Don’t get me wrong my friends and I use those words all the time, we joke around but when someone uses it to attempt to hurt you it’s totally different.

It was Christmas of grade 6 I knew for sure that I was at the very least bisexual. Ever since I can remember I though hmmm that girls cute, or I’d tap that. But I thought that all girl’s and guys thought that about everyone. In grade 3 I learned that boys weren’t suppose to like boys and that girls weren’t suppose to like girls or at least that’s what the adults said. In grade 4 the girls started saying “Ohhhh! He’s soooo cute” “He’s UGGGGGGGLY” and other such things. I played along with their little game adding “mmmhms” and “yeps” or “he’s cute.”

Christmas of grade 6 my cousin Jen brought home a girl (Laurén). Her girlfriend was soo cute. I can still picture her perfectly today. Short, white/blonde hair, small glasses, cute hands and a smoker. I’m not into smokers but that didn’t matter I fell in love. I’d met her once before July of that year when my grandfather died and my cousin brought her to the funeral but I thought they were just friends, you know so that Jen has someone’s shoulder to cry on.

It was so obvious that I had a crush on Laurén; Laurén had to sit right next to me at dinner. And of course through out dinner she was the only one I would pay attention or talk to out of about 30 people. She had my complete and undivided attention. She was also subject to all my questions such as “What’s your last name, that’s unusual how do you spell it, how old are you, do you have any pets etc.

After dinner I sat next to her on the couch. Even when she attempted to sleep I just sat on the floor by her head. I didn’t care that her and the older kids had been partying all last night and that they were going out partying tonight again. She didn’t end up getting much sleep with my constant poking asking her questions and talking to her.

When the mini play fights broke out between everyone that’s when it got it got physical and now that I look back on it I’m rather embarrassed. Jen and another one of my cousins were play fighting and some how Laurén and I were brought into it. Somehow it went from pinching and poking and fake little punches and slaps to me biting her hand.

Her hand had THE MOST disgusting taste ever! I can still taste it. After years of smoking her hands were covered in layers and layers on Smokey type residue and it tasted like dog. It only got worse after the bite because I then was so disgusted by the taste I started to choke a little bit and spit up. I felt like such a child. But then again I was. We left shortly after that so that the older kids (20 year olds) could go and bar hop.

I don’t think I truly realized what I was doing until we left and I thought back to the night. That’s when the questions began to swirl in my head. I came to a conclusion after a night thinking about it. Its okay for girl’s to like girls and guys to like guys. My cousin Jen didn’t seem any different then before. The major conclusion I came to was that I DEFINITALY liked girls more then just friends.

I came out to the first person the summer before grade 7. To my best friend (not my cousin) Jen. She didn’t care because she had several other gay and lesbian friends; to her I was the same old Steff. She was probably one of the easiest people I ever came out to because I didn’t see her everyday. Because she lives 12 hours away. I came out to my best local friend in about grade 9. We were going to different high schools so I knew if she wasn’t okay with it I might loose her as a friend anyway. But luckily she didn’t care and we are still best buds.

Over the years it has become easier and easier to come out to people. And many people have come out to me. Two of my best friends Brit and Heather are also lesbians. And they helped me realize even further that if I’m not attracted to guys it’s okay. It wasn’t until I met them in grade 9 that I realized I wasn’t just bisexual I was a lesbian.

Now almost everyone knows except my parents. If they know they know if they don’t they don’t. Some of my friends know others don’t. As T.R Knight said “I hope the fact that I'm gay isn't the most interesting part of me.” So unless I feel the need to tell someone I don’t but I defiantly don’t hide that fact that I AM a LESBIAN or as my sister says LEBININ!

whateversexual_llama's picture

*Claps* this is so much

*Claps* this is so much improved from your first draft! I love it. You've got some grammatical issues still, misplaced commas, places that need commas, but those're nitty-gritties for later. I can't think of any really good suggestions... I'll comment again when I'm not brain-dead. Great job, though!

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

dykehalo's picture

*CLAPS CLAPS CLAPS* Yeah!

*CLAPS CLAPS CLAPS* Yeah! And yes there are alot of gramatical issues. I like to write and im pretty good at it (this isn't one of my better ones) but i'm not good with grammar. It's the boring stuff in school thats the part of english i sleep through of accuse my self to the washroom for.

whateversexual_llama's picture

Yeah... I'm an okay writer;

Yeah... I'm an okay writer; I really like it, but I'm really carried by my grammar. I love grammar... it's so... logical. Rules and regulations. You're right or you're wrong. It's kind of a refuge for me.

And I do believe you would "excuse" yourself to the washroom, seeing as if you accused yourself, you'd be blaming yourself for something... to the washroom. ^.^

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

dykehalo's picture

accuse-excuse

I really did know the difference there i was just typing several different things at the time But thanks!
~~~NO DAY BUT TODAY~~~

haNa's picture

Lebinin.

XD. When I was 5 my mom had brain surgery, which required shaving all her hair off. Once she got better and started attending PTA meetings for my sister she had short, spiky hair. All the other parents thought she'd left my dad, and 'become' a lesbian, that's why she hadn't shown up in a while. So, after a while of that, my older sister (who was 7) came home from school crying one day... "Boooohoooooo. Someone at school ::sniffle:: called ::sniffle:: Mommy a ::sniffle:: a-a-a... A LIBYAN!'

~haNa

patnelsonchilds's picture

This is an excellent example

This is an excellent example of the type of thing we want all of our stories to evolve into: A slice of your lives that kind of sums things up for you.

Well done.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
http://www.patnelsonchilds.com
http://www.amazon.com/shops/patnelsonchilds

Toph's picture

I loved your conclusion.

I loved your conclusion. Lebinin. Cute.

I like the way it was short yet sweet. Though, your punctuation needs drastic work! Sorry. I'm a punctuation freak. I love my ;:, and what not.

There was a rough transition I noticed.
"It was so obvious that I had a crush on Laurén; Laurén had to sit right next to me at dinner."
Usually the semi-colon is used to connect two ideas that are closely tied that must be kept together. Such as "It was so obvious that I had a crush on Lauren; I was certain of it when my chest got tight and my face grew warm." Something like that.

Also, I was a little confused on how old Lauren was. What I get was that you were younger than her. I'm confused. Though, that's not hard to accomplish.

Besides that I love the story! Excuse me, your story :D

(Sorry I'm criticizing so much even though I'm not an editor, but I just love to help!)

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

dykehalo's picture

Oh don't worry about it i

Oh don't worry about it i love any criticism!!! And i noticed the rough transition as well i'm hopping an editor might be able to help me out with a couple spots here and there. And i have to agree my punctuation does need alot of work it's my worst enemy and for that matter so is spelling.
~~~NO DAY BUT TODAY~~~

whateversexual_llama's picture

*Glomps* I've found another

*Glomps* I've found another semicolon advocate!!!

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

dykehalo's picture

For all those who want to

For all those who want to know how old Laurén was at the time she was 26 i think or around that time. I think it was asked a couple times so i just thought i'd add that. Also i feel it's necessary to explain the Lesbinin thing.
One day in grade 9 my sister and i were hanging out in the kitchen after school she was cooking good old mac n cheese. We were just kind of chatting then she asked abotu my friend's heather and brit and if they were going out and i said yeh. And so it led to this whole little thing and i came out to her as a sort of you didn't already know? So now she refers to me and my friends as Lesbinin's Not lesbian but lesbinins or if just one of us lebinin. She at the time was 17 but she loves just making up words. And i don't mind either its just our thing. Like when people are talking about boyfriends and such she'll whisper in my ear-LESsbinin.
~~~NO DAY BUT TODAY~~~