Is lying the same thing as with-holding info?

dykehalo's picture

Last night i was just hanging out online and a girl asked me for my myspace ( We had talked before but she does tend to get on my nerves and just really ticks me off sometimes and we've had our fights. She's asked about my crushes (thinking i was straight) and i said yeh you don't know them and gave details but i had stayed gender neutral.
So last night she checked out my myspace and found out that i was a lesbian and asked since when i had been a lesbian. I felt bad because it was almost lied to her in the past. But i explained to her that i was always a lesbian and was just careful to keep things gender neutral. And that she simply didn't ask the right questions.
She also asked about the difference in the relationship like which was easier. I've had no experience in either a straight or lesbian relationship so i had nothing to really compare anything to. So i just told her that every relationship is different. She could date 2 different guys and each relationship would be different and that it's about the personality and the person not the gender. I've been asked what relationship is easier by several people and don't really have an answer i just say each one is different.
My questions to all of you are
1) Is keeping things gender neutral okay, like not coming out just because they didn't ask specifically if you were gay?
2) What would you say to someone who asked which relationship is easier?

allison322's picture

I think...

it is definitely okay to be gender neutral about things. I do that ALL the time. I mean, she didn't have to tell you she was straight. Why would you have to tell her your sxuality? I mean, "Hi, I'm so and so and I'm gay." That's not necessary. I think if you are comfortable telling, or if you want someone to know, then go for it. But absolutely don't think you have to let everyone know as soon as you can. Do it in time. Don't rush it.

allison322's picture


and as far as which relationship is easier.. At first I would say they are both the same. BUT... maybe PRIVATELY they are both the same. Whether I'm with a guy or with a girl, there's always the same differences and arguments. No biggie. But I guess it's harder with someone of your same sex IF you aren't open to the people around you. Like if you have to sneak around. Otherwise, they are the same.

jeff's picture


I don't get being gender-neutral if you're not trying to stay closeted. You might be misleading someone who wants to date you! If these people are close to you, why make them ask a question properly before they can get the real answer?

As to the second question, my question is WHY people would ask you it? I mean, if you're a lesbian, and they're straight, neither of you has the capacity to answer it, as neither or you have tried the "other" relationship. Even if you dated guys before you were out, it wouldn't be the same, because you weren't straight or bi then... just trying to fit in, etc.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

commander147's picture

Sure it's ok to talk in

Sure it's ok to talk in gender neutral... I don't know that doing that qualifies you to be out of the closet, but... you gotta do whats you gots to do.

on your second question, I would respond "which is easier, killing yourself by jumping in a pool, or holding your breath?" The question has no point, and there is simply no comparison. its like adding 4X and 6Y... you just cant.

Go to any quiet place and listen, and soon you will hear the voices of those who came before you. Long after we leave this place, our voices will echo in these halls.

SOLDoutSCENE's picture


I think its ok to stay gender neutral, I usually do that, specially if its someone I don't really hang out with.
I would probably say guys are easier only because I don't know girls are hard to figure, then again if a guy gets mad at me forwhateve reason I don't care, Then again I guess it depends on the person.

Riku's picture

I'd say that a relationship

I'd say that a relationship with a girl is easier for me because I don't like guys like that. But it all depends on the people envolved you know?

It's okay to talk gender netrual, I did that before I was ready to come out. I don't consider it lying. Lying is when you tell someone something untrue on purpouse. Though people can find it disrespectful when you hide things from them too, it's not the same thing...

That's just my two cents..

poissonrouges's picture


I don't see why she would ask which is easier though, bc 1 you indentify as lesbian, 2 if you're in a relationship, wouldn't the "easy-ness" be determined by the person, and 3 since when has gender been a factor of love? People choose gender by their natural urges, but no one chooses to be with one gender over another bc it's easier.
But to answer the question.
Dating guys was easier for me, but only because I was less emotionally attached and really didn't care if I offended them. The physical side was always really uncomfortable though.
With my girlfriend, I can tell her anything and I actually like the physical aspect. At the same time the thought of losing her is enough to tear my heart out serveral times.

Oh, and the leaving out info part, that's not lying. It's like you said, she didn't ask the right questions.

I know there's "black sheep," but what about rainbow ones?

deepspace87's picture

Well, i stay gender neutral

Well, i stay gender neutral all the time, because i personally have a FIRM policy against lying to my friends, but i dont always wanna tell em im gay. so i generally just talk and use words more like, them, it, instead of he or she, because to me, i feel like im lying even if i say he instead of she. right now, im kinda lucky, cause my crushes name is erin, so i can talk about her, and my friends assume its aaron. and if im talking online, i dont say her name, because i feel im lying if i type in aaron, so i come up with something else to say. sometimes i feel im lying, but thats really only if my friend is really going on about me having a guy. so yeah, i know where ur comin from. but i gotta agree with jeff that if ur not trying to stay closeted, im not sure whta the purpose to it is...

"Never apologize for saying what you feel. It's like apologizing for being real."

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

I am having the same problem!

Well, perhaps slightly different...
I just started comming out as Bi three months ago and I just moved into a new dorm. I don't know how to tell my roommates, or even if I have to.
I am pretty much stuck in the middle. I don't feel a great rush to tell them, but I know the longer I wait, the harder it is going to get. Most of my family doesn't even know yet. (Some people on my floor have almost figured it out, and I would far rather tell them myself than have a convoluted idea get back to them the wrong way).

Anyone have any good conversation starters?

patnelsonchilds's picture

The bottom line is, of

The bottom line is, of course you can stay gender-neutral if you want. It's entirely up to you. If you do though, just don't kid yourself that you are totally out - cuz you're not. Part of being all the way out is not being afraid to be gender-specific with regard to your relationships. The exception I suppose would be if you are a true bisexual and not curently in a relationship. That would give you a legitimate reason for being gender-neutral, since you don't know if your next squeeze is going to be male or female. Otherwise, gender-neutrality=closet behavior. Again, nothing wrong with that, but recognize it for what it is.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"