Okay, right now it's past 4am and I've been up the whole night. I'm merely posting this to get stuff off my mind because there's been so much I had to absorb over the past hours. I can not think or engage in critical thought at this very moment, perhaps all I'm writing is simply an act of reflex, an urge to pour out the emotions within me.
It started with my brother doing nothing except playing on the computer all night long until about 1am. I thought it was holiday for him so I didn't really care while I read the novel 1984. Then my dad came and threw this massive as angus then becoming emotional breakdown/lecture type thing which ended up bringing all these memories back which I have simply ignored or forgotten.
I know maybe I'm just weak or unable to withstand pressure. I dno. Dad went on about disappointment of my little brother, how my dad himself has worked so hard and my brother doesn't appreciate studying and all that. Then it was about his retirement... I cannot organise my thought properly right now... but he wants to retire but he can't. He has to work probably another 10 years or so for my brother to graduate. Yet he already works 6 days per week with hours sometimes from 8am to 10 at night. It hurts so much to see my brother not appreciate that, and it also hurts knowing there's really nothing I can do to help my dad. Sure, I'm aiming for the full scholarship for my University, even though that's still 3-4 years away but I can't help to think what happens if I don't get through, and what happens if my brother ends up with a bad job and it's all too late for him to realise everything and all the things people have tried to do to help him are to no avail.
Then my brother went to sleep, me and my sister are in the room next door calming my dad down. You might be asking where my mum is, well my parents are divorced. Maybe I shouldn't make a big deal out of it - I suppose it's not uncommon. (Ironically thinking it would never happen to me when I was little - it only happened to messed up families) Thinking about it I never really saw mum and dad happy, nicely together, or the whole family happy and enjoying together. I don't see how they're supposed to love and appreciate each other... Right now my mum lives somewhere else. She made some gaping mistakes and everytime i think about it it makes me so angry. But I also love her at the same time. I don't know how that makes sense. Maybe if she was someone I didn't know too well I wouldn't have been as angry if she did those things to 'her' family. But maybe it's because she's my mother. Now she stays in Taiwan and I homestay overseas while my dad tries his hardest to afford a good, quality education for me on the other side of the world. I must not let him down. But I also realise we're all so tied up with our own goals that our family never really was a family. Mum left, my brother just plays on his computer the whole fucking time, and my dad would work hours on end and I live overseas somewhere else.
Then dad brought back some memories of what mum has done. It made me SO SO angry. It even scared me when I blurted "I fucking hate..." which obviously I stopped as I freaked knowing the last word was going to be mum. I wanted to call her at 3am at night and ask her why she did what she did. It was an impulse but I didn't do it. Dad turned me against my mum, perhas not so much consciously or with logical thought but in an unconscious, emotional sense. But I used to remember when my mum lived with me overseas she would say bad things about dad (which are not so true) yet I believed, despised dad and now I'm so confused and I dno how to say it but my brain is fucked up with memories of things which I didn't know happened or didn't happen. I just remember my mum doing things insitinctively, asking for divorce because someone 'suggested' it (not her bf or anything). And my mum tried to collapse my dad in so many ways. She wanted to leave me in New Zealand (overseas) when I was only year 4, maybe around 9. I didn't fully understand the whole situation then. I thought mum was in so much pain that dad caused her, and I imagined taking so much courage saying I want to stay in New Zealand and let her go back to Taiwan and work. But she did so much more... she took half my dad's money for herself and dad had to look after three children with his share. Mum wanted dad to collapse, but I did not understand why bring us down with him. I understand the how, but not the why. I remember she wouldn't let dad in our house in New Zealand when dad bought the house with his money for me and her to live in. Then I remember sometimes after a call from dad she would drive out in her car with infuriated madness and me and my brother and sister (when they were all still in NZ) would beg her to stay. Then I remember her choking me once with her hand when I was crying for some apparent reason, one that I could not remember because I obviously tried to forget it. But I could recall her saying "I'M FEELING SO MUCH MORE PAIN THAN WHAT YOU'RE FEELING". But afterwards she apologised to me. I don't suppose she meant to do what she did. She just lost control. And I remember that when I was at the most 10 I was so angry (even without knowing why agen) I thought about stabbing myself with a kitchen knife. I was gripping the knife violently and my mind was blank and I was in the dining room. Then I remembered my brother walking past and seeing me. I don't know I don't know don't know. This is so stupid. I want to forget everything agen. I need to sleep but I can't. I feel like crying but I've already habitually refrained from crying. It doesn't come out naturally. And in about 10-20 hours I will be leaving for my flight back to New Zealand. I remember when my mum was last seeing my a few days ago, she was really tired when I left her car as she dropped me off at dad's place. It was the last time she sees me before I go back to New Zealand and she didn't say much or want to give me a hug or anything or blah. Then she would call back about 20 minutes later and apologise for not saying much in the car. I can tell she was depressed but you know how when you are that you sometimes break yourself from what you love or distance yourself from socialising. That's what was happening in the car and I could tell she wanted to fix that. Okay wth. My fucking bombardment of thoughts just keep coming. Then I heard my mum's got some syndrome of some kind, and she is at high risk of getting breast cancer. This was heard from my homestay yet my mum never said a word of it. I never asked her. There's so much uncertainty in everything. I'll try and sleep. I want to forget everything.