my first submission for GLM

lookin to the future...'s picture

Screen name: lookin to the future...
Real name: Jordin
Age: 17
State: Washington
Gender: Female
Bio:This poem is about the first girl that i was really into. she lead me on for months and months and in the end completely denied her sexuality... sad.... after our falling out i revised the ending to this poem... any suggestions would be appreciated!
thanks!

Shut up. Just Feel

remember that night in idaho?
i wish i could give it back
to you
remember that night?
that first night?
of course you don’t
everything
just like that night
stop thinking about what you are doing
be obnoxious
ignore the stares
ask for the little kids menu
so we can play tic tac toe in the green and red crayons
but let me win this time
no inhibitions
sing
at the top of your lungs
talk til 2 AM
or 3
4,5,6 maybe?
laugh
please laugh
i love your laugh
be who you are

remember that day i told you the truth
(about me?)
i want to give it back
to you
touch
be naïve
be obvious
dangerously obvious
cry
but let me hold you this time
take long walks
pick me flowers again
daffodils are my favorite
tackle me to the ground
crawl in bed with me again
pull the covers over my head
but kiss me this time
play with my hair
get so close i can feel your heart beat
beat
beat again
spend the night with me one more time

take me to seattle on saturday morning one more time
burn me your favorite cd’s
(i played that dave matthews today)
call me
take me to dinner
stare at me
when you don’t think I’m looking
(p.s I’m always looking)
always
flirt
be who you are

remember all those nights?
i wish
i want
i have
to give them back to you
i have to give back all the nights
because you couldn’t be yourself
becase I waited
and waited
and waited
for you to come back

(you're the worst liar i've ever met)

theonechickcagelle's picture

hey, i like it. it seems a

hey, i like it. it seems a bit long, but then, it's poetry, and you shouldn't stunt your creativity. good job.

"It's like Dillinger once told me, 'It's always darkest just before they turn on the lights!'"

Ward's picture

I really like it, but two

I really like it, but two suggestions. The part where it says (p.s. I'm always looking), I would take out the p.s. so it flows better. Also, at the end where you say (you're the worst liar I ever met) seems kind of unnecessary. I think the line before it should be the last line. But, just my opinion. Otherwise, I really really like it.

Used to be it was a man's world and a woman's place was in the home...
they can kiss that shit goodbye.

-Ruby-'s picture

awww!

your piece is great. kind of bittersweet. i can relate to a lot of it...
awesome job hun! :o)

Siren Merchalle's picture

That poem is amazing. I can

That poem is amazing. I can relate it.

ForeverEndedToday's picture

This is awesome

It's great and I also can relate to it a lot. I like the last line.
99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon