I love her, God, I do. She's everything for me and without her in my life, I don't know what I would do. But, she's admitted to cheating. Many times. And she does drugs- the list seems to keep growing. Back in March when we first started talking she, by maybe...October?, explained that from March through maybe the summer, she looked at our relationship as... I guess a fling. She didn't think of it as much. It was a phase. Something to do. The whole time she said I was the only girl she ever messed with- true, as I know it. She also said she never thought about girls until me, that it was my fault that she realized her feelings- well, know I know she did in fact have sexual thoughts about girls since even before I did. She's admitted to cheating and says THEY are nothing. I actually mean something and she doesn't know why she does it. She says sorry. But then when I'm sad about it she says I asked about it. I asked for it. Because I do. I ask her if she has messed around. I ask with who and I ask what they did...
NOW, I didn't think she had been cheating on me. See, we were both in school from March through the summer. High school. Then we got busted and quit talking for a while. Anyhow, then she went away to college and we started talking seriously again I guess in October. She recently told me.. in one of our "deep" conversations.. We were discussing life I guess.. And she told me,"this can't be a phase". I guess we were talking more about sexuality. But she said, this can't be a phase because I've even tried. I've tried being with guys and I don't like it as much as I like being with girls. I like girls..
Well... of course I'm like "what do you mean you've tried being with guys?"... And, she meant.. she's slept with guys. While being my girlfriend.. Also, she's been with girls.. 2 that she has told me of. Guys? I don't know how many.
And the drugs.. I never liked ppl that did drugs but she got me to start. I mean, I guess I really started drinking with her or because of her. Then I started smoking because of her. I don't want to blame her but... If she never existed, I don't see how I would have gotten into drugs. I always tried to get her to stop and sometimes she said she would. But she hasn't and it's gotten worse. Weed and coke are one thing. But then X.. meth.. heroin. She always says, what's wrong with it? Well, I don't know about the weed... She's got me there. BUT.. heroin, X, meth.. You can die from that the first time you try it. And I don't want her to be "gone". I don't like it when she's high because, does she really know what's happening? I want her to be here.. living.
Sometimes I don't know what to do. She says she cares and I believe her. We were lying there in bed and we just..finished.. and she looks at me and smiles. That look in her eyes.. Like in the movies.. Kind of like "Wow.. I love you." It was a genuine look. Maybe some of you know that look I mean.
BUT.. she cheats. She says they mean nothing to her but she does it anyway. She does drugs. What is she running from? I want to help her but don't know how. She moving back to her parent's house soon and says she'll stop then and I'm pretty sure she will.. Her parents will keep a close eye on her I know. But, what about until then? And what about when she moves on her own again? I'm worried about her. I'm worried about us.
Then not too long ago she said she didn't want to be with me. She loves me but she doesn't want this. She doesn't know if she wants to be with me. Then I cry.. Then she says she is sorry and loves me and to forget the whole talk- it was dumb.. During the talk I ask why? What did I do wrong? She says nothing.. says I do everything right and that I am too good for her. And says that over and over again, I'm too good for her and I deserve better but I tell her.. I want you. Don't throw away a good thing... This girl.. I don't know what to do about her sometimes. I love her more than anything and everything, honestly. Some people say not to do that, not to hold anybody up so high, but I do. Anything she wants, I'll find a way. Whatever she has to say, I'll listen.
I know I'm young. So is she. But she is who I want. She. I'm over that fact. I love a girl. A woman. I've accepted that. But anyhow, that's not the point, the point is... She confuses me by her actions and words..