My Life on the Line

msquared's picture

Man, this week has been so crazyweird. I've been in the strangest moods. I've just been feeling really sad and anti-social. Damn hormones. Who needs em, anyway? Menopausal women, that's who. Harumph!

I think the weight of the world is finally getting to me. As I'm sure all of you know, being gay (or LBT) is tough. And it always seems hardest in these moments, when you're sitting by yourself in front of a computer, the bar of chocolate before you half-eaten (God, where would I be without Toblerone?) and the night about you half-finished. Reflecting on this past week, the thing that really bothered me was how utterly different I felt. Usually I rejoice in the fact, but not as of late. Like I went to a shin-dig at my friend's on Friday and there were lots of sha-veet peeps there, so I thought I was going to have a snazzy old time. But to my chagrin, I was Angst City, USA. I looked around me and saw all straight people--all people who didn't understand the bargain-bin of unique problems I face everyday or the battles I'm constantly fighting with no reinforcements in sight. I need more gay in my life, damn it! Too bad there are only a handful of out gay people at my school and all but 5 or so are either creepy like the Dickens or mentally retarded.

And by Buddha and all of his jiggly jelly rolls, I need a boyfriend! It's driving me not only up the wall, but left, right, and down the wall, too. Every dream I've remembered this week has been about a love interest. One was about a quasi-ex (quasi because it really wasn't much of a was basically phone tag for two months and hanging out a few virgin lips have no regrets), one about a crushed crush (this bitch I wrote about a few journal entries back), and one about...WHAT? A girl!?!? I have no idea where that one came from. I guess I'm just getting that desperate. If I don't find me some man flesh soon, I think I just might become asexual! Yeesh.

And as always, my family is a constant source of insanity. My mom has simply been a shitified bitchophone lately. I can't get through an hour without her harping on me. I just want to tell her off and explain how lucky she really is. All narcissism aside, she has a beautiful and gifted son who works hard and is going to go far as all get out in this world. Not everyone has that. I don't know why she can't appreciate it. I think the problem is my dad. He's an alcoholic. Five or six nights out of the week he'll be at a bar drinking till midnight. And that's gotta be hard for her. I'm pretty sure the only reason my parents are still together is because of my siblings and me. Once we're all set, they'll split faster than you can say, "Prenup!" I just wonder sometimes what it'd be like to have a regular dad who comes home at night and actually talks to his kids instead of empty bottles. Or to not wake up in the middle of the night half the time to the sound of my dad wretching his guts out in the bathroom. Or what it'd be like to not have to worry about having to shoo Pops out of my room at 1 in the morning because he's too plastered to recognize his own. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts me, it hurts my brothers and sisters, it hurts my mom. It hurts everyone. But he's too stubborn to admit he has a problem or listen to a single word we say. I just don't know what to do sometimes, other than grin and bear it. And I do that too well. I just laugh all of it away. I laugh when he stands at the front door for ten minutes because he's too drunk to aim his key in the door and I laugh at how red his nose can get. What else am I supposed to do? I'm too strong to cry and too weak to do something about it. I just live my life and act like nothing's wrong--a giggling stoic. I don't know whether to think it heroic or pathetic, but either way it's life and I'm living it, god damn it. By all the stars in the sky and all the waves in the sea, this is my life and I'll see it through. Fly with me or die with me, we're gonna make it through, everybody. We really are.


patnelsonchilds's picture

You're gonna be alright

You're gonna be alright Matt. You remind me tremendously of me when I was your age, alcoholic dad and all. I had the dubious good fortune of going to a boarding school, which meant I could be tortured for being gay all day AND night, but essentially we have a lot in common. The difference is that you're a much stronger person than I was, so I think you're going to make it through in much better shape than I did. I know it doesn't seem that way when you're feeling low and lonesome, but I have total confidence you're going to pull on through just fine. I have no wisdom to stop the hurts. Life gets easier in some ways once you're old enough to make your own decisions, but harder in others. I do remember wanting a boyfriend so much I thought I was just gonna die. The more you want it, the more illusive it seems to get. Again, the only answer is the supremely unsatisfying "give it time", or the even more nauseating, "it will come". The bottom line is that life can be pretty rotten for a gay adolescent, even without any other problems, and there are always other problems. I want you to know though, that I know exactly what it's like, so if you ever want to chat about anything, you always know where to find me.

Big hugs little brother.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

Y - GuRl's picture

hormones suck

I don't know where I'd be without Toblerone either (white Toblerone is so awesome too, don't knock it 'til you try it) I know what you mean by feeling so different to everyone, surrounded by straight kids. They just don't get it. I guess that's why Oasis is great for that quick fix of gay, unfortunately it still doesn't fill in all the other gaps. Hang in there mate, stuf will get better. By the way I love the way you write :]

raining men's picture

Of course

Of course you will be fine man. You have more than enough determination to drag yourself through pretty much anything. And agreeing with Y-Gurl here, you're writing style is great. I am stealing the buddha phrase and using it more often in conversation.
And I know the chocolate. I have a packet of after eights in front of me

"Sexual intercourse began in nineteen sixty-three (which was rather too late for me)"

the ghost's picture


Ah toblerone..its like a little taste of heaven!I know that horrible feeling of being at a party and being surrounded by straight people,it sucks monkey balls!But it wont always be like this...its just a temporary situation.Hang in there dude,you are a really cool guy...stuff will come together eventually...*Big Hugs*

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt