Now I definitely know...she will NEVER like me back

utter_insanity's picture

Yesterday my crush and I went out to a movie. I wasn't really able to enjoy it, though, considering what had happened the night before. During that night I basically carried out my Operation: D.I.S.C.O.V.E.R. plan, only I made a few changes. If you want to know what the heck Operation: D.I.S.C.O.V.E.R. is, then check my journal, but I'll try to sum it up here in this entry.

That night my crush spent the night at my house. It was this last-minute thing that was kind of random. Her dad called my mom that night and asked, "Hey, is it all right if L [my crush] stays over at your house?" She stayed over, and I managed to get her alone in the spare guest room. We both slept in there, and before we went to bed, we had this huge talking session.

I was basically testing the waters to see if she was open to gay and lesbian people, so I could tell whether I should come out to her or not. I think I actually did a pretty good job of asking her and sounding casual about it. This is our conversation. L is my crush and Me is...well, it's pretty self-explanatory.

Me: So, what do you think of George Bush?
L: *laughs* I don't know.
Me: Hey, did you hear about how he just tried to make gay marriage illegal?
L: ...No.
Me: Do you think it's weird I'm talking about this?
L: No. I think that people should just be free to be themselves. I don't really care.
Me: Cool!
L: *notices that my mom left her laptop in the bedroom*
L: Let's surf the Internet! *turns on computer*
Me: *asking random questions* So, is there anybody you like at school?
L: Yep.
Me: Who?
L: I don't want to tell.
L: *looks up pictures of some male pop star on Google*
L: *stares at boy on screen*
L: *drools*
Me: *wants to smash the computer so her crush will stop staring at stupid unattractive loser*
L: Isn't he hot?
Me: Not really.
L: Is there anybody you want to look up pictures of?
Me: Umm... *mind goes blank*
L: ...well?
Me: promise this won't freak you out or anything?
L: *looks at me strange* Um, no.
Me: Okay. Here goes.
Me: Keira Knightley.
L: Okay. Could you help me spell that?
Me: What, this didn't freak you out?
L: No, I think she's pretty, too. I mean, it's not like I'm attracted to her or anything.
Me: Would it bother you if I was?
L: I told you, I don't care about that.
L: *scrolls down the page and looks at a few pictures of Keira*
L: *looks up more guys*
Me: *makes up reasons for why each guy is ugly*
L: Isn't he hot?
Me: He needs to shave.
L: This guy is SO hot.
Me: He's wearing weird clothes.

It went on like that until we decided to go to sleep. We didn't fall asleep immediately, though. We just kept on talking. All of a sudden, L wanted to tell me who her crush was. I have no idea why. Maybe she was just tired of hiding it or something. She made me guess who it was, and I got it on my first try. It was this guy from our school named Sumner.

Now, I can't see why anybody, least of all my crush, would like Sumner. He's an idiotic jerk who doesn't take much seriously. (At least, in my opinion.) L said that, "Well, he used to be really mean to me, but now he's a lot nicer." I replied, “Sounds like he might like you back, then.” I felt like I was going to die of jealousy. During this exchange, I had grabbed my sketchbook and made a tiny journal entry in it. I wrote this:

Oh my effing God, L likes Sumner!!! Hell just froze over! Poor Satan. He must be sad.
*insert cartoony devil picture here*
The Devil says: “Oh, no! My kingdom’s turned to ice. BOO-HOO! It’s all L’s fault!”

I went to sleep feeling extremely upset. The next morning, I didn’t feel any better. My mother took us to the movie, but L didn’t seem to enjoy it as much as I thought she would. Personally, I think she hated it, but my mom keeps on reassuring me that she liked it just fine. I sure hope my mom is the right one here.

After the movie, we went to a thrift shop, where I got eight books for only five dollars. I love books! We also picked up some food from Hardee's. While we drove L home, I mostly read books while my mom and L talked. For the first time since I realized I had a crush on L, I was actually glad when she left the car.

Great. Now I definitely know that L is straight as a board and she will never like me back. At least she isn't homophobic, though. She seemed kind of uneasy when I talked to her about homosexuality, but at least it didn't completely freak her out, and she seems to accept it.

I guess I'm glad I know she's straight now, but I still feel upset. I just wish she would "change her mind" or something. At least I can try to get over her now, though. I know it's completely stupid to keep on hoping that she has any kind of more-than-friends feelings for me.

Great. After typing all that, I feel completely depressed. If anybody wants to comment and comfort me or anything, it would be appreciated. And if you actually read all of this, you get to have a cookie!


my three wheeler rox's picture

COOKIES!!! yum

Sorry to hear that she's straight *hugs* but according to all my friends such crushes will fade with time. And besides, if you date your friends, you wont be as good of friends when it ends.
Books rule.

3 wheels are better than 4!

patnelsonchilds's picture

I understand the hope that

I understand the hope that your crush will somehow "change her mind". But reverse that, and you'll see how unlikely that is. Three Wheeler is totally right. These things do fade and friends are more valuable than romances as a general rule. So even though you're bummed now, I think in time you'll come to be glad of having another accepting friend.

And yes, I know how lame that sounds, but it's true. Honest. :-)

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

raining men's picture


Yeah its fun isn't it? I had something vaguley similar today, in the sense that he hates me now not even friendly
I can't say much apart from fuck
And can I have a cookie?

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"

lostinthisworld's picture

hey, thats ok

dont worry, im sure that sometime later in life when she realizes that shes gay, she'll think back to the time in her life when she knew you and is like "damn. i wish i still knew her. she was hot!" ...or something along those lines. but hey, i like Keira Knightley too. :) so does my bestest friend sarah. we watch the pirates of the carribbean movies just for her.

pink hair on girls's picture

cookies!!! yah, i had a

cookies!!! yah, i had a similar experience, the girl i like is totally into some guy. shes 100% straight. but im hoping it will pass eventually. teehee. i used to think i was watching pirates of the carribean for orlando bloom. i ws wrong . . .
make love not war . . . . or be abstinent and bomb everybody!!!!
also, happy holidays!!!!!!!