Yesterday my crush and I went out to a movie. I wasn't really able to enjoy it, though, considering what had happened the night before. During that night I basically carried out my Operation: D.I.S.C.O.V.E.R. plan, only I made a few changes. If you want to know what the heck Operation: D.I.S.C.O.V.E.R. is, then check my journal, but I'll try to sum it up here in this entry.
That night my crush spent the night at my house. It was this last-minute thing that was kind of random. Her dad called my mom that night and asked, "Hey, is it all right if L [my crush] stays over at your house?" She stayed over, and I managed to get her alone in the spare guest room. We both slept in there, and before we went to bed, we had this huge talking session.
I was basically testing the waters to see if she was open to gay and lesbian people, so I could tell whether I should come out to her or not. I think I actually did a pretty good job of asking her and sounding casual about it. This is our conversation. L is my crush and Me is...well, it's pretty self-explanatory.
Me: So, what do you think of George Bush?
L: *laughs* I don't know.
Me: Hey, did you hear about how he just tried to make gay marriage illegal?
Me: Do you think it's weird I'm talking about this?
L: No. I think that people should just be free to be themselves. I don't really care.
L: *notices that my mom left her laptop in the bedroom*
L: Let's surf the Internet! *turns on computer*
Me: *asking random questions* So, is there anybody you like at school?
L: I don't want to tell.
L: *looks up pictures of some male pop star on Google*
L: *stares at boy on screen*
Me: *wants to smash the computer so her crush will stop staring at stupid unattractive loser*
L: Isn't he hot?
Me: Not really.
L: Is there anybody you want to look up pictures of?
Me: Umm... *mind goes blank*
Me: ...you promise this won't freak you out or anything?
L: *looks at me strange* Um, no.
Me: Okay. Here goes.
Me: Keira Knightley.
L: Okay. Could you help me spell that?
Me: What, this didn't freak you out?
L: No, I think she's pretty, too. I mean, it's not like I'm attracted to her or anything.
Me: Would it bother you if I was?
L: ...no. I told you, I don't care about that.
L: *scrolls down the page and looks at a few pictures of Keira*
L: *looks up more guys*
Me: *makes up reasons for why each guy is ugly*
L: Isn't he hot?
Me: He needs to shave.
L: This guy is SO hot.
Me: He's wearing weird clothes.
It went on like that until we decided to go to sleep. We didn't fall asleep immediately, though. We just kept on talking. All of a sudden, L wanted to tell me who her crush was. I have no idea why. Maybe she was just tired of hiding it or something. She made me guess who it was, and I got it on my first try. It was this guy from our school named Sumner.
Now, I can't see why anybody, least of all my crush, would like Sumner. He's an idiotic jerk who doesn't take much seriously. (At least, in my opinion.) L said that, "Well, he used to be really mean to me, but now he's a lot nicer." I replied, “Sounds like he might like you back, then.” I felt like I was going to die of jealousy. During this exchange, I had grabbed my sketchbook and made a tiny journal entry in it. I wrote this:
Oh my effing God, L likes Sumner!!! Hell just froze over! Poor Satan. He must be sad.
*insert cartoony devil picture here*
The Devil says: “Oh, no! My kingdom’s turned to ice. BOO-HOO! It’s all L’s fault!”
I went to sleep feeling extremely upset. The next morning, I didn’t feel any better. My mother took us to the movie, but L didn’t seem to enjoy it as much as I thought she would. Personally, I think she hated it, but my mom keeps on reassuring me that she liked it just fine. I sure hope my mom is the right one here.
After the movie, we went to a thrift shop, where I got eight books for only five dollars. I love books! We also picked up some food from Hardee's. While we drove L home, I mostly read books while my mom and L talked. For the first time since I realized I had a crush on L, I was actually glad when she left the car.
Great. Now I definitely know that L is straight as a board and she will never like me back. At least she isn't homophobic, though. She seemed kind of uneasy when I talked to her about homosexuality, but at least it didn't completely freak her out, and she seems to accept it.
I guess I'm glad I know she's straight now, but I still feel upset. I just wish she would "change her mind" or something. At least I can try to get over her now, though. I know it's completely stupid to keep on hoping that she has any kind of more-than-friends feelings for me.
Great. After typing all that, I feel completely depressed. If anybody wants to comment and comfort me or anything, it would be appreciated. And if you actually read all of this, you get to have a cookie!