this really sucks. i wrote like...EVERYTHING on here and *poof* it went 'cause i thought i was gonna get in trouble for being on the computer and my computer was being slow :/...i am a little irked.
well what i wrote was about yesterday and how i was pissed off and feeling very depressed, since i don't want to write it all out into paragraphs and such like i did earlier i will do it in bullets...YAY bullets lol. jus jokes but yeah to make it easier;
*My auntie went off on me because according to her, i am;
1) not being responsible (chores)
2) being too antisocial
3) on the computer too much
4) not knowing what my priorities are
It hurt you know...yeah i know where i am at fault and i try my best in everything to make everyone especially my family happy, but i always seem to screw everything up WHY?....god it's bad enough my grandma gives me shiit about being the way i am, this is the convo we had one day;
grandma: you look pretty today
grandma: you know one day all the boys will find you attractive
me: okay (thinking in my head "OH NO we're gonna have this talk")
grandma: but first you need to do your studies and go to college
me: yes grandma i know and i am
grandma: then you will meet your perfect guy
me: uh huh ok (hoping it was gonna end)
grandma (with scowl on her face): so idk why you say your like that...gay, your so young still and you don't know what you want, so stop thinking that
me: (staring daggers into her back)....
then she walks away into her room
god i hated that convo but i played it off like it didn't even afftect me. i hate it 'cause it did and they didn't care. i swear ever since i came out and everything, like i know at where i went at fault and yeah it happened and its in the past but they always dwell in the past which i hate 'cause c'mon we're supposed to be in the present and working towards the future but NO they always want to go back.
one thing though that really pissed me off...is the fact that my auntie always makes like she's my mom, which she AIN'T and it fucking pisses me off. she was like "if i see that your on the computer too much and not doing homework, i will take it away...if i see that work is affecting everything, i will talk to you boss" GOD WHY CAN'T SHE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!
i try so hard to do what they want...but it never is good enough. they'd complain that i go out too much, so this whole break i was at home and only went out to work and guess what? they complained that i'm in my room too much and that i should go out...WTF?/? god i hate my family...seriously i've become so depressed, unhappy, and so out of it nowdays it's too much.
i cried last night...i wanted to start cutting again last night...i wanted to run away too. god yeah okay i know what i did wrong and shit i'm sorry about that but no it never is enough...i'm only a fucking teenager and yeah i want my freedom but god stop making like i have to be the "perfect" teenager...they expect so much out of me....its too much to handle.
i'm using this as motivation though...once i grad form high school i'm outta this house...what i learned though...is this i will never be like this to my kids (if i ever have kids probably adoption) but i won't stand in their of their dreams nor will i push them too hard...