As some of you know, I lost a sketchbook earlier, in which I wrote that I'm gay. Thankfully, I've found it now.
The thing is, I found out last Tuesday that someone read it and blabbed. Just like I was afraid of. People were asking me questions about whether I was gay or not. I nervously avoided them without confirming or denying that I was straight.
Then I got sick with a virus Wednesday. I couldn't have been more grateful for the timing. I was sick Thursday and Friday, too, so I wasn't able to judge people's reactions properly.
The thing is, I wanted to come out. I wanted to answer, "Yes, I'm gay" if someone asked me about my sexuality again. I was sick of hiding. I wanted out of the closet.
But when I asked my sister, who is a year younger than me and who I am out to and talk to about my 'gay' problems, about it, she didn't want me to come out. When I asked her why, she explained that if I tell people that I'm gay, it's probably going to spread all around the school. And since my sister goes to the same school as me, she would probably be teased by other kids in her classes. "Your sister's gay??? That's so weird!" they would jeer. My sister isn't exactly a popular kid, and if people knew that her older sibling is gay, it wouldn't exactly raise her social status.
This is such B.S.! My sexuality shouldn't have to affect what people think about my sister. But now that I consider it, it does, whether I want it to or not.
So on Sunday night, I decided not to come out. I just can't do that to my sister. She may be as annoying as heck at times, but I still love her anyway, and as long as she's going to the same school as me, I can't do this to her, at least not until she feels more secure about herself.
When I arrived at school today, nobody mentioned the rumor. It had completely blown over while I was sick Wednesday through Friday. I don't know about you, but I just think that gossiping is absolutely f***ing amazing. Here I was, worrying so much about this rumor, and it blew over within five days (counting the weekend).
It's times like these when I hate the stupid, homophobic world and the fact that I have to live in it. I wish that I could have chosen the world I was born into or something. That would have been nice.