why do i want to just die?

scandalboy's picture

i am so fucking bored, and frustrated and tired at the moment. my mum is in mackay, my dad is shacking up with his new girlfriend, whom i hate already even though i've never meet her, and my sister and i are constantly fighting. to top it all off, i've spent this entire weekend home alone. it is also very likely that i'll be spending monday, my day off, the exact same way. how did i become like this? i used to be able to do just fine by myself, but now i need people. i drink to make things go quicker, and so i don't have to put up with the mind numbing loneliness. i'm fighting with my family continuously, and i haven't seen my mum in about a month. i am missing my friends, and i have strong sexual feelings for one of my best friends. i pine for a career in the theatre, and i wish i could get out of this dead end fucker of a town and move to brisbane. i don't have a fucking clue what i'm going to do after year 12. i am at the starting point of coming out, and i plan to be an openly gay young man by the end of the year. i have extreme body issues, and i have complexes that people really hate me. i want to shout and scream, but i can't. so instead i sit at home, and i feel like shit.


patnelsonchilds's picture

Well sweetie, I don't really

Well sweetie, I don't really know if this will make you feel any better, but you're entry just perfectly described me at your age, except the drinking part. That didn't come for me until later, and unfortunately it stayed with me for almost 20 years. So please be careful. I was also heavily into theater in high school and at one point went to college to study it. That didn't work out, but I'm happy being a writer now, so c'est la vie.

Here's the thing though: It's obvious that you're very depressed, so first let me give you my standard depression advice because it's a good place to start. If you can't pull yourself out of your funk; if you can't do the things you normally like to do because you're too depressed to function, then I really, sincerely recommend getting to a doctor and asking him/her about getting on an anti-depressant of some sort. They made the difference between night and day for me, so I can't recommend them strongly enough. Depression is, in the vast majority of cases, a physical illness, not a mental one, and it can be fixed. Now you've got other issues going on too, but the depression is making every issue seem insurmountable - like something you just can't handle. Even your boredom is magnified into a huge ocean wave that just keeps crashing down and sweeping you under. This is what depression does. If you can put a lid on that, you'll find that other things are much easier to get a grip on. You'll also find the coming out process, though still big and scary, is not AS big and scary if your depression is under control. I should also say that counseling can help some people, but because it didn't do squat for me, and the meds saved my life, I tend to recommend at least discussing antidepressants with your doctor. Any GP can prescribe them now. You don't need a shrink anymore to do it.

Do you write? Or draw? If so, you might consider coming aboard either my Samers Guild project or one I'm looking to help get going here on Oasis (more info coming up in The Clubhouse posts). If you're interested, let me know and I'll give you some more info. Besides meds, involvement and activities are a great way to shake the blues (and make new friends too).

Like I said, you sound exactly like me at your age. I suffered horribly the whole time, and I made a lot of really dumb mistakes, but I made it through my adolescence alive and now I'm trying to help you guys get through it as well. So if you need to chat, I'm here for you, okay? You can message me or just post to The Clubhouse and I'll be there for you.

Hang in there kiddo, and please give some serious thought to my suggestions.


- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"