A Strange Mass of Randomness Without a Coherant Title

maianess's picture

Woah, I think the angst in my life got put on hold because I'm not in school. Odd.

Anyway, sent a big long email to best friend I've been crushing on since forever where I was ranting about all the things she does that annoy me. And I was probably overreacting, but stuff had build up. And as I looked at her, I sort of realized that, at least at this moment, I could never date her. So... maybe I'll slip back into it in a few years, or next month, or the next time that she touches me, and I'm not really sure if this will ever completely go away, but... I think maybe I'm starting to get over her?

Told my mom I was doing DoS. She's never been unsupportive, but... she drives "don't close any doors" into my skull. Christ, mom, if I was aware enough of myself to realize that I actually liked girls, in a culture like this, where it's abnormal and a crush on the same gender is "just hormones," don't you think I'll be able to notice if I get a crush on a guy? And, honestly, if I started talking to my mom about liking a guy, she wouldn't tell me, "well, keep your options open." Fucking society.......... I know I might be expecting too much, but it irks me. And it irks me that my mom buys into this. Even though, it does feel really good to rebel. I realized that. I catch myself half-wishing that my parents were a little less excepting, so I could rebel against them (I don't actually, of course).

I dunno......... I have thought before that I'm deliberately tilting myself in the direction of 'lesbian' for the shock value. I keep wanting to randomly bring up my sexuality. One of my usual lines is "I'd totally marry Stephen Sondheim... if he wasn't 70 and gay." And I find myself wanting to say "If he wasn't 70 and if we weren't both gay." And I don't know if that's just me wanting to be able to talk about my sexuality like it was any other thing, or to be all shocking, hey-lookit-me-I'm-gay-gay-gay-so-there. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Comments

Toph's picture

Yeah, I know exactly what

Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Sometimes I just stop and think, "Hey, is this really me or am I just thinking I'm a lesbian?" Because everyone talks about how it's so difficult to accept it and they hate themselves for it. But when I realized I may be different I was scared but then really happy. Like, "Yes, I'm Lez!" Sometimes I just wonder if it is for the shock. But, I just try to think, "Whatever, as long as I'm happy."

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

underdarkness's picture

Ugh, I know exactly what you

Ugh, I know exactly what you mean.

When I told my parents that I'm gay my mom told me it's because all of my ex-girlfriends were ugly... (I'm a guy and the girls were cover-ups, but certainly not ugly)

My mom insists that if I found the "right girl" I'd just *POOF* turn straight.

My dad insists that if I have sex with a hooker I'll just *POOF/Herpes* turn straight.

My parents are also annoyingly calm about the whole "gay thing". I know their actual opinions but they keep it all inside. It's better than being kicked out but sometimes I wish they would SNAP and tell me their real opinions.

*Shrug*

- One Nation, Under Darkness

Treacle's picture

Drama...

There is something endearing about having a dramatic life...and being gay certainly is dramatic. I'd guess you'd still be gay even if no soul in the world knew about it. And that's your proof.