I am having a weird week of self-loathing..I'm sort of angry at myself,while at the same time not being.There is no one specific reason I am mad at myself...just mad at me in general.Hmm now I sound like a crazy person.Sometimes I wonder if I am just comfortable in my own self-loathing and nothingness and thats why I never move too far away from that feeling.
I was talking to some of my friends today.Just some random conversations,and it turns out that they think I am a very distant person.Thinking about it I know I am.I don't think I know how to open up to people.I don't ever really talk about how I feel,I seem to stay inside my own head.I don't really spend a lot of time doing stuff I actually like either,I just kind of plod along.I think I am wasteing my life.One of my friends,the one who knows I am gay,told me a while ago that I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be sad.Its up to me,and I know she is right.I am not happy,I therefore need to make some major changes in my life,but I don't really know where to start.I'm thinking of coming out to my sister.I think telling her will lead to me just coming out overall and getting on with life.
On a different note I have been listening to that song Affirmation,by Savage Garden for three days now in a crazy obsessive way.My friend informs me that that is not cool,I however do not care.I think I just like the line "I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality".I even typed all the lyrics into another blog thing I have that my friends can read.I was half hoping it would be a little clue to my gayness but I think that was a very long shot.
Also people keep filling me in on the details of their sex lives.It seems everyone else is having a lot of sex.Seriously,a girl I've worked with for about 2 days started telling me about "the best sex of her life" in her car the other day with her boyfriend.I felt kind of awkward.I always feel like that when people start talking about sex because I just sit there thinking I'm a big queer I don't really know what to contribute to this conversation.
Anyways thats all the randomness from me.