the ghost's picture

I am having a weird week of self-loathing..I'm sort of angry at myself,while at the same time not being.There is no one specific reason I am mad at myself...just mad at me in general.Hmm now I sound like a crazy person.Sometimes I wonder if I am just comfortable in my own self-loathing and nothingness and thats why I never move too far away from that feeling.
I was talking to some of my friends today.Just some random conversations,and it turns out that they think I am a very distant person.Thinking about it I know I am.I don't think I know how to open up to people.I don't ever really talk about how I feel,I seem to stay inside my own head.I don't really spend a lot of time doing stuff I actually like either,I just kind of plod along.I think I am wasteing my life.One of my friends,the one who knows I am gay,told me a while ago that I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be sad.Its up to me,and I know she is right.I am not happy,I therefore need to make some major changes in my life,but I don't really know where to start.I'm thinking of coming out to my sister.I think telling her will lead to me just coming out overall and getting on with life.
On a different note I have been listening to that song Affirmation,by Savage Garden for three days now in a crazy obsessive way.My friend informs me that that is not cool,I however do not care.I think I just like the line "I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality".I even typed all the lyrics into another blog thing I have that my friends can read.I was half hoping it would be a little clue to my gayness but I think that was a very long shot.
Also people keep filling me in on the details of their sex lives.It seems everyone else is having a lot of sex.Seriously,a girl I've worked with for about 2 days started telling me about "the best sex of her life" in her car the other day with her boyfriend.I felt kind of awkward.I always feel like that when people start talking about sex because I just sit there thinking I'm a big queer I don't really know what to contribute to this conversation.
Anyways thats all the randomness from me.


msquared's picture


Yeah, I'm pretty sure I wrote the book on self-loathing, sister. About 98% of gay people know the feeling, so you're definitely not alone. It's a thing you really just have to let time heal. Making changes will help, but in the end it's all up to father time. Just be patient and things'll get better...they always do.

As for coming out to your sister to help "get on with life," I've got some bad news for ya, sugar: you don't. You never just get on with life. Sure, things get easier when you're out to plenty of peeps, but the problem of feeling 100% comfortable with yourself around 100% of people can never be solved. Coming out isn't a magic bullet to make you feel better. In fact, I felt ten kilaoodles worse after I did. If you really want to come out to your sister and feel like you're ready, that's fine. But try not to rush into it. Doing some research on coming out and all that jazz would be spifftastic. I sure wish I did before I came out!

Good luck! [end of transmission]

“Never forget! The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Y - GuRl's picture

aw dude

It's a bummer that you're feeling down.. if you feel that coming out to your sister will be a positive move, go for it but make sure you don't depend on that one thing to make everything better. Hehe savage garden.. I was always saying how gay the singer was and my sister was like no he's married. Then I found out he split up with his wife and is with a guy now, good for him and props to my gaydar! Don't worry, one day you will make straight women squirm uncomfortably when you talk about your hot girl on girl adventures :P

-Ruby-'s picture


talking about your self-loathing does not make u sound like a "crazy person". we've all gone thru it. i know i have, especially after my ex just broke up with me. my freinds were like "she's an evil bitch" but i was like "what if she's not? what if i did something to turn her away?"... this led to me calling my ex and questioning her like "what is it about me that disgusts you? what the fuck is wrong with me..." its very sad and pathetic and its a downward spiral. one of my friends said "you are making yourself a victim. if you feel like she's hurting you, like she has this power over you, then you are allowing urself to be weak." i agree with your friend- happiness is a CHOICE. although its not always the easiest choice- many of us are just so comfortable in our long-term patterns of depression and self-hatred, that actually starting to feel happy and confident is so wierd at first. Coming out to more ppl would be a good next step. I hated myself for being gay for so many years, feeling like it was this dark disgusting thing. i kept it hidden and i was scared to stop. im so happy i came out tho, it was a good thing for me. i still get down and depressed and hate myself sometimes, but its not because i'm gay. I have actually learned to embrace that part of myself and see it as a good, beautiful thing- the fact that i have the capacity to love. so yes, its a woman, whatever. only u can break ur cycle of self-hatred. we all have things we need to work on, everyone is far from perfect, and i dont believe anyone has the right to call anyone else crazy... different things are "normal" to different people. :o)