Frustrated with myself.

Riku's picture

If I were talking to you in person, I'd be pacing around the room babbling too fast to be clearly understood... Just so you know.

Okay... So, Sora comes and takes me with her, her sister, and a bunch of her sisters friends, to a store walking distance from here. We walk together just talking about random things..

I find it kind of funny because, when we got to the store, I told everyone that I'm vegan. And they looked at me as if I had just come out to them... Which is funny because I was planning on doing just that up until that moment... I think I forgot how badly some of people take to things that are "weird", "different", or "abnormal" (not that I consider being gay, or vegan, any of those things really. But you know..)

But that's not important. What's important is, we're walking back right? Sora has to go. So she hugs me and just after we let go, I look into her eyes, and for a moment, just a moment. I felt something.

Now if there weren't so many people around I probably would have kissed her like my instinct was telling me too. And I wanted to so bad...

It was so weird... Like a "click" or something. I don't know. But it was there. And I'm sure she felt it too.

And now everything is buzzing through my head. Crazy. Because I really do want to kiss her. And I've been trying for the last 4 months. But I've always been freaking out over everything in my head. It's entirley stupid. I don' t know what I'm scared of. I really don't. I wish that I could take that part of me that always freaks out and tells me not to do stuff that I really want to do, tie it up in the basement and leave it there. Driving me bonkers.

So I spent the last five minutes pacing around my room mumbling to myself about nonsense. Because I feel like I'm going to burst.

It's always this way. Either I'm trying my best not too. Or I freak out and can't. Whenever I'm finally ready something comes up.

And tomorrow is probably my last chance to get her alone for more than 5 minutes for a while. Because on Febuary vacation my cousins are coming.

I have to stop being so shy about this sort of thing. It's so entirley stupid that I'm too shy to kiss my own girlfriend.

FOUR MONTHS! Today was our "four month anniversary" actually. Feels like yesterday. When I told her how I feel. But it dosen't at the same time.

And if I don't get the courage to do something tomorrow I'll probably explode.

We haven't even mentioned it since December. (Being girlfriends that is.) It's stupid. I know from the way she acts that she didn't like, decide boys are better or anything. But as soon as I try to say something.

I freeze.

Just freeze... Everything. Just shuts down.

And I'm just really frustruated with myself right now. I guess it's all that pent-up frustration that I haven't let out for a while.

Not to mention I can't go on walks in the middle of the night during Febuary. It's way too cold. So I have to settle for pacing around the room instead. I guess I could sit outside or something. I think I need fresh air.

Just... No creepy cars following me around this time.. That was scary.. (Long story...)

Anyways, I toured MIT yesterday. It was really awesome. I'm all motivated and stuff now. :) Now I have to study for the next 4 years so I can get in, and study for another 4 years. But it's going to be worth it.

Well.. Hopefully, I'll get over this dumb-frustration thing. And I'll stop being stupid all of the time. And I'm going to try harder. Because exploding isn't exactly on the top of my priorties list.

Laters.
~Riku

Comments

Ward's picture

Don't beat yourself up.

DEverybody gets that freeze feeling. Just think, though, you've come out to Sora, you've told her how you feel, you've talked to her about a lot of things right? Why not try talking to her about this? You think she feels the same way, so give it a try. If it's easier to phone her or talk to her on msn, do it. But atleast talk to her. Tell her your insecurities, how you feel when you get the opportunity to kiss her, if it helps, send her this journal, or something along the lines of this journal, but it's not good to keep this in yourself. I really think you should talk to her. Atleast she won't think it's her fault and you can take your time reaching a level where you're comfortable enough to kiss her. So, my advice is to talk to her. Good luck.

Used to be it was a man's world and a woman's place was in the home...
they can kiss that shit goodbye.

jeff's picture

Umm...

Can you have a girlfriend for four months and never have kissed her? Sounds like you two need to bang out what that term means to each of you. You're on two different pages.

I mean, i kissed a guy last weekend at a party and don't even know his name... It began with a K, that I remember...

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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whateversexual_llama's picture

Jeff, there's a difference

Jeff, there's a difference in confidence between a 14-year-old and a... well, a dinosaur like you. (Kidding. Love you, Jeff.)

But that's not what I came here to type. Trust me, Riku, it's hard to take that step. But it's sooo redeeming to do it. Chin up, girl. I'm rooting for you.

But wow... 4 months? It does feel like yesterday! And I'm not even living it. xD

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.