GLM - ANOTHER GLM SURVEY QUESTION

Anonymous's picture

Ok guys,

Here's another way for you to participate in the Gay Like Me project without creating a piece of your own. Just answer the survey questions as best you can. Here's the second Question:

Have you ever had thoughts of suicide? If so, to what extent, if any, do you think those thoughts had to do with your sexuality?

Thanks everyone for your participation. I'll be using a sampling of these answers to write pieces for the GLM project.

Patrick

Ward's picture

I have definately thoughts

I have definately had thoughts of suicide. I'd be surprised to hear someone say they hadn't. Whether or not it had to do with their sexuality is something else. There are so many times I've thought of suicide, sometimes seriously, and other times just as a thought. It's actually hard to remember why I was thinking about it. The only time I can remember that my suicidal thoughts had to do with my sexuality was when I became really depressed about school. The attitudes of those around me were so angering, so frustrating, that I began to feel physically sick at the idea of going to school. Obviously I was mentally sick too. The actions of those around me were disappointing, so disappointing that I felt depressed. Severely depressed. It was then that I thought, "If the attitude around me is like this, why even bother trying to change them? I should just let go." Now, although their attitudes are angering, they are part of the reason I am holding onto life. I know the more people who refuse to commit suicide and instead fight against the stupidity and ignorance of others, the faster we will win the fight.

Used to be it was a man's world and a woman's place was in the home...
they can kiss that shit goodbye.

corcra-carraig's picture

Yes, however I don't think

Yes, however I don't think they were every related, at least directly, to my sexual orientation. Possibly more so to my gender identity, however it was probably a side thought. I am who I am. I knew from a very young age I was very different so it never has worried me as much as I see others my age coping with being queer.

Icarus's picture

Yes, I've definitely had

Yes, I've definitely had thoughts of suicide. i never have actually attempted, but i've had serious thoughts on it. I'm not sure if they were related to my sexuality or not. I don't think I was suicidal because i was gay, i was suicidal because of other things, although some of those things wouldn't be happening if i was straight.

"Yes! No! Oh, damn!"

Lol-taire's picture

Sure, but I was clinically

Sure, but I was clinically depressed and mildy obsessive compulsive, with a side order of bog standard teenage angst of course. I don't think I would have actually gone through with it, I just thought about it alot. But I was lucky to go to a tiny school and they knew there were problems and people kept an eye out- with some surreal and hilarious consequences.

The gay thing was probably not so important to be honest; I was weird and had no friends. It conflated it, but I muddled through. If I'd have been straight it would have been something else that got me, possibly something worse like weight (which did almost happen a little bit later but we nipped it in the bud). It was the not knowing was the worst, because I didn't want to tell if I wasn't sure. And if I didn't tell, then who could help me?

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

not suicidal, but down

I haven't ever been suicidal, but figuring myself out has not been a piece of cake all the time.
After I had my first kiss with a girl (still giddy :)) I was SO happy, but I woke up the next morning and all I could think was "what if I'm not bi at all but completely gay" and it scared me so much I felt like crying.
I honestly don't know why it scared me so much. I might end up being a Lesbian and I think I am okay with that, mostly.
When I first found out I was bi I did cry. I felt like such a hippocrite because practically ALL my friends are gay or bi or something and I have been saying for years that it is perfectly normal and beautifull and nothing to be ashamed of, and then I go and find out that I'm not striaght and the first thing I think is that there is something wrong with me. I kind of ran the the arms of my best gay friend and talked it all out.
Being Queer myself was not what I had in mind when I pictured how my life was supposed to go.

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

dykehalo's picture

Yes i have had thoughts of

Yes i have had thoughts of suicide. I thin it was for a variety of reasons. Some beign my parents/home life. But mainly because at school things were really bad especially when i was first coming out to myself. I had to pt on this fake visade and act all happy when i was sad because i didn't fit in. I wasn't suicidal because i was gay i was suicidal because of the things that beign gay brought along with it and how i could/couldnt cope with it.
~~~NO DAY BUT TODAY~~~

whateversexual_llama's picture

I've never considered

I've never considered suicide. I've considered cutting and even tried it once (never again, though), and I've thought about being dead, but I've never actually wanted to do it. I'm thankful that I've never felt that way. Hopefully I stay that way.

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

the ghost's picture

Yes

I have had thoughts of suicide.My sexuality has been a factor in it,but not the sole cause of these thoughts.There has been a lot of other stuff in my life such as problems with my parents,being bullied and things like that that have gotten to me.These things combined with being gay have left me feeling suicidal from time to time.But certainly not on its own.
If the other stuff had not have been going on,I don't think being gay on its own would leave me sicidal.It just felt like another problem ontop of everything else.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

patnelsonchilds's picture

Anyone else want to answer

Anyone else want to answer to this?

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
http://www.patnelsonchilds.com
http://www.samersguild.com

Inkblot's picture

Oh yeah

I've had suicidal thoughts. It was mostly a thought, but it scared the shit out of me, particularly in that my most suicidal time overlapped with my friend spiraling into horrible suicidal depression, and it was hard as all hell to be there for her when I wanted to die too. My orientation/identity was not a direct cause, although, as some others have said, some of the stuff that led up to it wouldn't have happened if I was unqueer. So yeah, I've thought about it, I think I came pretty close, (mentally, not physically. Like, I was close to deciding I was going to do it for real.) but I think I'm getting past it.

Do I shock you darling?
-Sally Bowles, Cabaret

lookin to the future...'s picture

not suicide but definitely depression

never had thoughts of suicide or anything close but have had a very difficult time with depression since i started coming out.... there are days when it is hard to even drag myself out of bed.... i have very obsessive compulsive eating habits (often related to depression) but nope... never even came close to thoughts of suicide...

my three wheeler rox's picture

Yes...

But it had more to do with feeling alone than being lez.

3 wheels are better than 4!

Do they react that way because of who we are or because of your personality?
"I like to think it's me."

Toph's picture

Yes, I've had thoughts of

Yes, I've had thoughts of suicide. I was once a cutter, and I even became addicted to it. I started because my mom and brother were making fun of me. They made fun about the things I was interested in. They laughed at how oddly I dressed (as a male) and that I wanted to dye my hair with blue bangs. They laughed at the anime I watched. They criticized on everything. My depression wasn't related to my sexuality, but simply because my family made me feel different and not unique.

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

underdarkness's picture

Have you ever had thoughts

Have you ever had thoughts of suicide? If so, to what extent, if any, do you think those thoughts had to do with your sexuality?

As I address in my GLM piece, thoughts of suicide used to press my mind rather frequently. I saw suicide as a way out of my problems. I do not think that the thoughts were because of my sexuality, but rather the result of social stigmatization because of it. When people are telling you every day that you're going to hell and deserve to die it's easy to believe what they're saying. It took me a long time to get over what people think of me and accept myself as the intelligent and gay young man I am, though I now put a lot more emphasis on my talents than I do on my sexual preference.

- One Nation, Under Darkness

theonechickcagelle's picture

I've never been suicidal.

I've never been suicidal. I've had other issues, like cutting, but they weren't gay related.

"It's like Dillinger once told me, 'It's always darkest just before they turn on the lights!'"

Shenlong the Arcane's picture

I've attempted twice. Once

I've attempted twice. Once was about being confused about my sexuality. But that was about two-three years ago? I'm good now, but I used to dwell on sucide.

yep_im_a_stalker's picture

Yeah I have. Since about 5th

Yeah I have. Since about 5th or 6th grade, on and off. (I'm in 9th grade now). I'd say that in 7th and 8th grade it had a lot to do with my sexuality. Mainly because I didn't want to be so different or I felt so isolated. Last summer between 8th and 9th grade it was all I could think about because of the huge loss I had suffered when the girl I was in love with was forbidden to talk to me. I never got her to tell me why, but I'm fairly sure that her uber-Christian parents had found out from her about my sexuality.

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dreamers imagine someday's picture

I think about it a lot.

I think about it a lot. Since I was 4 and in the hospital and this man told me that if I had to depend on medicine to stay alive, I don't deserve to live (the man just lost his kid in a freak accident...twas a bit odd). I've tried 10 times since then I am 17 now. My health never really got any better, and I am sometimes struck by the idea, that no girl would love me or even give me a chance. My parents are no help to the situation too, they know I need to go to a psychiatrist, but they won't let me take the medicines I need. They just say if I believe in God, then he will save me. I just say sometimes, God has to help with pills. LOL but anyways, yes I think about it, but no it never has anything to do with my sexuality.

V is the bomb, he blows with anarchy!!!

Uncertain's picture

Um, I actually it's it's

Um, I actually it's it's unnatural if someone has never contemplated about suicide. I mean, off course we have our extremely down times and we just hope things could end. But it just depends what extent we bring that thought to affect our personality, decisions and actions.

Well, I've thought about suicide before when my parents split up and both went overseas. I was in a very very strict homestay family and I didn't feel loved. I would cry myself to sleep every night hoping I would never wake up. But that's that, it didn't really have anything to do with my sexuality... but that was one episode. Back then I was really shy and had extremely low self esteem so that was the major contributing factor.

When I realised I was gay I was very scared too. I did not actually think about killing myself because of just being gay, but instead fantasised about how everything will become fine in the end. But I went through another depressive episode which I felt really lonely and isolated thinking I was the only gay person in the world, thinking I'm twisted and wierd. Then I found oasis which alleviated and answered a lot of myths in my mind.

I never actually took action to kill myself. I did write in my diary at school around 3 years ago that I wanted to die, never actually thinking our teacher would actually read through our works. I got put on counselling before and had a very very bad experience with it. Then there was this episode I had with relationships that also plunged me into depression, although not intending to kill myself I got into cutting. But I forced myself to stop that too. Throughout the last two years something changed about me, I decided to open myself up to the world. I started joining lots of sports, cultural activities, academic groups like debating and stuff to know more people and what they are like. Then I realised everyone actually have their insecurities, and there's really no point being shy. I made a lot of new friends, came out and became really outgoing, confident and socialable. It was a big step for me and when I look back, only a few years ago I was that shy, depressed boy scared of everything. Off course I have my downtimes, but I can live through them. :)

Duncan's picture

Well, although I have never

Well, although I have never been *truly* suicidal I have thought about it before. For like a couple of seconds. But I wasn't serious. hahah I'm to fickle to ever be suicidal. Besides, I wanna see how things work out. Life can be sweet. I can't do the suicide thing. Too wussy. Hhaha. It's for the best, i think.

Guys are pretty confusing, and apparently drooling over them doesn't really break the ice...

oldfoxbob's picture

Yes but...

Never gay related....Since I was told I have only ten years left in life I have thought of ways to off myself but to make it look like an accident since I would not leave any insurance money to my lover if I die of natural causes...I only have an accidental death policy that pays out if I die in and accident. Since I have cancer, I can not buy life insurance at all now. So...yes I have thought of it and quite frequently of late.
Any one got a suggestion on how to make it look like an accident????
oldfoxbob.
Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense.

raining men's picture

Um car?

As morbid as this is car crash I suppose is the best option. Then again insurance companies are pigs over that. Drowining maybe?
I have thought of sucidie by the way, but never seriously enough to truly contemplate it

"Sexual intercourse began in nineteen sixty-three (which was rather too late for me)"

luna loca's picture

yes but no

I've had suicide thoughts for the most part they're of a "maybe I'll get hit by a drunk driver on the way home tonight" line of thought rather than a "I'll leave a note right here and then use my father's razor on my throat" line of thought. I'd never carry through with anything because I don't do pain and I've seen how suicide affects a family and community. I have Seasonally Affected Depression so it's a weird hormonal thing rather than trigger events in my life so my sexual identity has never really been connect to my suicidal thoughts.

I think that most actors, and they're a very strange lot actors, very strange people, but I think that they attempt to keep in touch with the child.
~Ben Kingsley

QuakerOats's picture

I mean, I've thought about

I mean, I've thought about suicide and like, what would it be like for others if I were dead, but I've never been anywhere near planning it or wanting to do it. when I'm really tired of activism and oppression, I think I want to die and have things be easier, but I have plenty of reasons not to die. I've never been depressed.

pink hair on girls's picture

well . . . i think . . .

well . . . i think . . . well, yes. I have. I think they have been related to my sexuality, and also related to the fact that i have anxiety disorder and mild depression. and OCD.
============================================
I think gay marriage should be something between a man and a woman! -Arnold Schwartzenegger

deepspace87's picture

Well, ive been within about

Well, ive been within about 10 minutes of commiting suicide before, but my dad walked into the house. But when i became depressed and suicidal it happened right about the time, so i suppose you could say it was from my sexuality, but i think it was more because i had just entered high school, was realizing this, and has classes with people that made my feel like shit about myself, so i think it was more of a...... idk.... like, life overload thing. haha. so yeah, i was VERY suicidal for awhile, but i beleive that was more just i let everything in life pile up.

"Never apologize for saying what you feel. It's like apologizing for being real."

my life is your lie's picture

Wow

I have them almost every week. But about my sexuality, no. I am comfortable with myself in that area.

Fox's picture

One night after I had come

One night after I had come home for a long weekend from boarding school, and started seriously contemplating suicide, then I broke down and started crying. My sexuality was one reason but I was having big mood swings because at the time I was doing alot of speed, that day I had done 80mgs XR earlier, and when it started to wear off I was zapped, but still couldn't sleep and I fell in to a real bad depression.

maianess's picture

I've wondered about death

I've wondered about death (who hasn't?), but I don't think I ever seriously wanted to die, kill myself, cut, anything like that....... looking at everyone else's answers, I suddenly feel really lucky...

Life is short: make fun of it.

Grace Hughen's picture

My response

Have you ever had thoughts of suicide? If so, to what extent, if any, do you think those thoughts had to do with your sexuality?

When I was in seventh grade I vaguely thought about suicide, but there was always something telling me I needed to keep living. I had something I needed to accomplish in life, even if I couldn't really put it into words. I don't think it was because of my sexuality that I was so miserable; it was just because of the environment I was in. In my town, there is practically no one who has NOT thought about suicide or even gotten close to attempting it in middle school. Most of us outgrow the angsty phase by high school, because high school is a lot better. I think being lesbian was a part of why I went on living, actually. I mean, I was in love by seventh grade, which is definitely a suicide deterrent. And I knew what oppression meant, because it was the story of my life. So there was still something for me to fight for - I couldn't bear to leave this world without making it better somehow. Which is why I'm still here today! :)

alya's picture

I serously have many

I serously have many times....
Last year especially but I'm not sure if it had anything to do with my sexuality. I got really close last year I took a bottle of Aleve to my room and started just taking them but then I dtopped I guess reilized I shouldn't. I stilll day-dream bout it constintly but right now I better than I have been, but I'm still not great, I probally right now only think about suicide one two times a day intensely(like for an hour or so..).
nothing iz real
john lennon