GLM Entry: The Puzzle

dreamers imagine someday's picture

Real Name: Catherine
Oasis Name: Dreamers Imagine Someday
Age: 17
Location: San Francisco

The Puzzle
I am that awkward piece that never fits in the puzzle. Not only do I physically appear different, but also I am also different on the inside. I am not like most girls. I am one of the “one in ten”, while at the same time I am the “one in one thousand”. I am gay and I have Tourette syndrome. Which makes social life a living hell. It’s hard, to be so different in so many ways. The fact remains every one is different, and these ways all bring their pains with it. While at the same time everyone has to remember that being different while painful, makes this world and humanity so beautiful. A beauty, that everyone, including myself, fails to see occasionally.

I have Tourette’s which is a neurological disorder that causes my body to carry out pointless motor and vocal tics. It is, at times, painful in a physical sense, but mostly it is painful in a mental sense. I can only describe it as a radioactive monkey that refuses to get off of your back, it is painful and annoying but it makes one hell of a conversation piece. Many people stare and try not to stare when I have my tic attacks, which in the end only aggravates my tics more. Many people don’t ask why I tic and assume that I am a tweaker (a methamphetamine addict), which leads to rather disastrous results. Many people seem to think that my tics are something that I do for attention but I don’t. Which doesn’t make any sense because the tics get me the kind of attention that embarrasses me. Yet in the end, I can still see a beauty in Tourette’s, it slows me down and shows me the world for more then face value. There is some beauty in that, even if most people find not being in control of one’s body rather terrifying.

But there are other things that make people different that seem to terrify and enrage people, like for example being gay. I am not sure why people find it terrifying that a person can love some one of the same gender. I am not sure why people who don’t understand say it is a choice; after all we humans by nature tend to choose the easier of the routes. After all wouldn’t it be easier to be straight and avoid all the ridicule and questions that come from being gay, us as human always choose the easiest path. Then there is something that hurts about this kind of being different that doesn’t go along in the territory as disabilities and disfigurements. With being gay there is a pain in knowing the fact that you are hiding the fact that you are in love, which in my opinion is the hardest feeling to hide. Simply put, it’s impossible to hide the fact that you are blushing at the girl in the library. But there is a beauty in that too, when it is harder to find some one to love, that loves you back, it is a lot easier to cherish and appreciate them. While at the same time it is a lot harder to take them for granted. Indeed, loving a person with all one’s heart and soul seems to be a forgotten beauty that can be at times be tainted.

My life has leaded me to some different circumstances, which no one else will ever understand. But it lead me to something I believe everyone else is familiar with, their first head-over-heels-honest-to-goodness heartache. I don’t know how it happened; it just hit me with a tic and a smile. I was a freshman, at my all girls’ school, sitting in the school library during a break, when my tics started up. Since the usual response to my tics was a pelting of harsh words and objects, I braced myself for the attack, but it didn’t come. Instead I looked up and saw a smiling girl with a look of concern in her eyes, her eyes are the most beautiful I have ever seen. With her, there was something that compelled me to do things that I would never do, if it wasn’t for her, and that is talk. With my tics, talking is one of the hardest things to do, but she brought out the courage and will power, I never thought I had. Just by being kind to me. Not only that, but when I talked she listened like nothing else mattered; she paid attention to me like no one else ever did before her. As time moved on, we became rather good friends, she trusted me with words and thoughts that before her, no one else would bother to tell me. Yet the same time I realized I was falling for her. I was ready to make all the right choices and do what is for her best interest while at the same time forget about myself and be unselfish for once in my life. It was unusual because I always saw myself as a selfish person who tried to be a puzzle piece that fit in the puzzle that is our humanity, even though I didn’t. With that I tried to reach out to her and be part of her world in that way, instead of love, I found a new emotion. Fear of rejection, which has its place in love but not the way I felt it. As I tried to reach out for her, all I could feel was the idea that coming out would cause rejection from my family, some of my friends, and if my bad luck held true, her. So yes, that kind girl in the library who became my best friend, became my first head-over-heels-honest-to-goodness heartache, and she never knew it. Just because I was so full of insecurities that are actually reasonable to have in my situation, I got my first heartache.

Yes I said it, heartache, a common emotion everyone goes though at least once in his or her lifetime. It is beautiful how people who are so different can go through it too. Which brings me to one more idea about the beauty of being different; everyone is different. Yes, everyone is different, some are just more noticeably different then others. So when you pass by that kid who is twitching in the corner and you want to mutter some judging words of misunderstanding, just remember you are also different. Then when you pass by any LGBT couples in the street, remember that you too cannot hide it when you are in love with someone. When you pass by that kid in a wheelchair, don’t feel pity for them, have mercy and patience. Then when you pass by that amputee from wars pass, don’t stare, life is already the most difficult performance ever done, it is only harder with an audience. As for when you stare in a mirror wishing you could just wish yourself to be like everyone else, remember you are different and that is beautiful in it’s own way. After it all, just think about it this way, we are all puzzle pieces that together, makes a beautiful image that is humanity.

ForeverEndedToday's picture

I really like this, awesome

I really like this, awesome job!

so very close to what you had expected
it makes it hard to keep my head up level
tell me I'm what your hands were made for
tell me I'm who your mouth was made for