GLM-Laurén-Re-Re-post- LAST CHANCE-comments/criticism NEEDED

dykehalo's picture

This is your last chance to give me criticism or ideas to help this story before i hand it ober to Pat and the editors for grammar and such. Any ideas would be great!!!

Your First Name- Steffaney (Steff)
Your Oasis Name- Dykehalo
Your Age- 15 soon to be 16
Your Town & City- LaSalle Ont. Canada
Your Gender- FEMALE! I LOVE being a female you get boobs….
A Little Bio Paragraph- I am a LESBIAN a darn proud of it! I enjoy reading, cooking and hanging out with my puppy. I LOVE watching movies and TV. WNBA season is the best time of my life. Detroit Shock = LOVE of my life.

I hop of the bus and begin to walk down the sidewalk towards my house like any other regular old day; one ear phone in blaring loud, the other unplugged so I’m aware of my surroundings (something my mom and dad always taught me I should be aware of). Car after car drives by nothing to exciting. Until one pulls up and stops nearby on the road. A head pops out of an open window.


Shouts some guys from school I really don’t know and really don’t care about. They drive off. My heart is pounding. Sure I’m bulkier then your average girl but 4 guys against me wouldn’t be an even match.

The word faggot use to hurt so much. But the funny thing is it doesn’t even apply to me- I’m a girl. Faggot tends to refer to a gay guy. Over time I learned to just tune out words like lezzie, lesbo, faggot, gay dyke etc. Don’t get me wrong my friends and I use those words all the time, we joke around but when someone uses it to attempt to hurt you it’s totally different.

It was Christmas of grade 6 I knew for sure that I was at the very least bisexual. Ever since I can remember I though hmmm that girls cute, or I’d tap that. But I thought that all girl’s and guys thought that about everyone. In grade 3 I learned that boys weren’t suppose to like boys and that girls weren’t suppose to like girls or at least that’s what the adults said. In grade 4 the girls started saying “Ohhhh! He’s soooo cute” “He’s UGGGGGGGLY” and other such things. I played along with their little game adding “mmmhms” and “yeps” or “he’s cute.”

Christmas of grade 6 my cousin Jen brought home a girl (Laurén). Her girlfriend was soo cute. I can still picture her perfectly today. Short, white/blonde hair, small glasses, cute hands and a smoker. I’m not into smokers but that didn’t matter I fell in love. I’d met her once before July of that year when my grandfather died and my cousin brought her to the funeral but I thought they were just friends, you know so that Jen has someone’s shoulder to cry on.

It was so obvious that I had a crush on Laurén; Laurén had to sit right next to me at dinner. And of course through out dinner she was the only one I would pay attention or talk to out of about 30 people. She had my complete and undivided attention. She was also subject to all my questions such as “What’s your last name, that’s unusual how do you spell it, how old are you, do you have any pets etc.

After dinner I sat next to her on the couch. Even when she attempted to sleep I just sat on the floor by her head. I didn’t care that her and the older kids had been partying all last night and that they were going out partying tonight again. She didn’t end up getting much sleep with my constant poking asking her questions and talking to her.

When the mini play fights broke out between everyone that’s when it got it got physical and now that I look back on it I’m rather embarrassed. Jen and another one of my cousins were play fighting and some how Laurén and I were brought into it. Somehow it went from pinching and poking and fake little punches and slaps to me biting her hand.

Her hand had THE MOST disgusting taste ever! I can still taste it. After years of smoking her hands were covered in layers and layers on Smokey type residue and it tasted like dog. It only got worse after the bite because I then was so disgusted by the taste I started to choke a little bit and spit up. I felt like such a child. But then again I was. We left shortly after that so that the older kids (20 year olds) could go and bar hop.

I don’t think I truly realized what I was doing until we left and I thought back to the night. That’s when the questions began to swirl in my head. I came to a conclusion after a night thinking about it. Its okay for girl’s to like girls and guys to like guys. My cousin Jen didn’t seem any different then before. The major conclusion I came to was that I DEFINITALY liked girls more then just friends.

I came out to the first person the summer before grade 7. To my best friend (not my cousin) Jen. She didn’t care because she had several other gay and lesbian friends; to her I was the same old Steff. She was probably one of the easiest people I ever came out to because I didn’t see her everyday. Because she lives 12 hours away. I came out to my best local friend in about grade 9. We were going to different high schools so I knew if she wasn’t okay with it I might loose her as a friend anyway. But luckily she didn’t care and we are still best buds.

Over the years it has become easier and easier to come out to people. And many people have come out to me. Two of my best friends Brit and Heather are also lesbians. And they helped me realize even further that if I’m not attracted to guys it’s okay. It wasn’t until I met them in grade 9 that I realized I wasn’t just bisexual I was a lesbian.

Now almost everyone knows except my parents. If they know they know if they don’t they don’t. Some of my friends know others don’t. As T.R Knight said “I hope the fact that I'm gay isn't the most interesting part of me.” So unless I feel the need to tell someone I don’t but I defiantly don’t hide that fact that I AM a LESBIAN or as my sister says LEBININ!

commander147's picture

Hard critique

Hmm the story is really nice, and every new draft, I enjoy reading greatly. My biggest issue with it tho, is you don't use commas, and you don't exploit the places to use heavier punctuation. Such as "The major conclusion I came to was that I DEFINITALY liked girls more then just friends." This is a great place to use that fancy colon, to bring power to the statement. "The major conclusion I came to was that I DEFINITALY liked girls: more than just friends." That's just me tho. Also the "and" gets a bit repetative. They are just minor things that I saw wrong with it, and they can be fixed very easily, or not at all. I think the style of writing you have is just... foreign to me.
Anyhoot, I love the story, and I'm glad you have some good friends to talk to.

Oh and... YAY I GOT THE FIRST POST. MY STATEMENT MEANS SOMETHING. (because it hasn't already been said by ten other people.)

Go to any quiet place and listen, and soon you will hear the voices of those who came before you. Long after we leave this place, our voices will echo in these halls.