I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for, and I'm sorry if I double posted this...I posted this a few weeks ago (with very few changes) and don't think it went in the correct spot....but her it goes:
Screen name: sam16
Bio: I am a soccer addict!
I am “normal.” More normal than I had ever thought I was.
I never had crushes on boys. I didn’t think the cute young teachers were “hot.” “Hot?” I would say, “comeon, what does that even mean? I just don’t see it! Why are you always talking about boys?!”
And then I’d go home and wonder, “Why wasn’t I, as a young teen, slowly discovering the appeal of dating?”
I had friends who were boys. Good friends. I even thought I had crushes on them. But they were fleeting. In games of truth or dare, my most honest answer to the over asked question, “Who do you like?” was, “No one.” These crushes I thought I had had, were contrived so I could answer this question, and have something to talk about.
Then there was that night. I think I had already noted that I was capable of becoming infatuated by girls and older women. I would decide they were “cool” and watch their every move. I would try to act like them, hoping they’d like me…but at the time I didn’t realize what I really wanted was for them to, in the words of a kid that age, “really like-like me.”
I was with two of my friends. One looked particularly gorgeous that night. I was intently staring at her. We were talking about kissing and I wanted to know what the appeal was, as I just couldn't imagine why anyone would want a boy slobbering all over them! I was curious and very turned off by the idea of it, but I think I wanted the experience. These two friends were pretty casual about this expression of attraction, and didn’t see the harm in kissing boys, girls, etc; “It’s just a kiss!”
So I was told, “If you ever just want to kiss someone, I’ll totally do it! But not your first kiss, your first kiss needs to be with a boy. Can you see yourself kissing x? What about y? No, ok, z?”
But then I realized, I wanted that kiss that she had offered. NOW. From a girl. From her. I then thought about it. I could see myself kissing someone, actually a few people, but they had a slightly different chromosomal structure than those previously suggested.
Later that year I had another smack in the face. I thought I had been “admiring” this senior from a far. One night, shortly after making the soccer team, (I would get to be her teammate!) I was at the school play with friends. All I could do was watch her. All of the sudden, the feelings changed from delight at getting a glance this “cool” girl in the hall, to intense physical attraction. She was much more interesting and vibrant than whatever was occurring on stage. I was so jealous of her best friend and their relationship. I wished I was her friend as I watched them whisper back and forth.
My heart started pounding. “She is absolutely beautiful. I need to get to know her.”
And soon I realized how “normal” I am. It did take me some time to accept my sexual orientation, but I take comfort in it. I took comfort in finally feeling attraction, as my peers had for so many years. I had experienced it all along, but it didn’t make sense; I hadn’t been able to identify it. I hadn’t allowed myself to consider that these feelings I had were sexual in any way. Once I thought about the question, “Am I gay?” relationships and feelings I had even back in elementary school started to make more sense.
I had never understood the appeal of being with a man. I had no physical attraction to them. I guess I can identify when one is cute, but when I was younger and kids talked about physical relationships, the idea repulsed me. I started to consider these things with a woman and all of the sudden, I saw the appeal. It just clicked, and it seemed right and dare I say, natural. I never wanted to be married, yet as soon as started to consider the possibility that I might be a lesbian, I understood my peers’ desire to spend their lives with someone. Right away, I could see myself spending my life with a woman I loved.
I am “normal.” I have the same ambitions and feelings as those who are heterosexual. I experience physical attraction, I want to love and be loved (not to say that is abnormal to lack these feelings either). I dream of meeting that special person that I will share my life with. But I am also “normal” solely based on the fact that I am a human being. I want to be respected for the person I am, not judged for my sexual orientation, which is only one piece of the puzzle. Because that’s all it is. Everyone gay, straight, you name it, has a piece of their puzzle they’re concerned about, it is how you arrange it with the other equally important pieces that affects how other people perceive it and how it makes you feel. However that is, take solace in knowing that you’re “normal” because you’re you, and that’s all that anyone else is.