I'm Realizing...

maianess's picture

I'm realizing that my English teacher probably thinks I'm the gayest person ever. Because I gave her some of my stuff to read when she asked (what I was submitting for the Scholastic writing competition), and two of the three pieces were about lesbians--one was a coming out monologue, and one was a short story. That, and my speech for our persuasive speech unit is about "gay" as hate, and I asked her if the "human rights speech" she mentioned was from the GLBT equality group... then if I could present my speech the next day XD

Argh. This guy at my school is so annoying! Such a frickin' homophobe! I mean, he might not be, but he uses gay/fag/homo like such a.... argh! Today my bio teacher mentioned 'homozygous' (genetics unit), and everyone started snickering! It's so annoying! It's a prefix, for Christ's sake!!! So I said that, and the idiot guy responded, "Your prefix is 'homo.'" So I kinda said, "brilliant observation." But whatever. He is a jerk. I can't wait for him to make some homophobic comment on DoS so I can kick his ass.

Also, my mom is pretty okay with me being gay, I think, because her sister is too... but she's always on me to "not close any doors." And it might be just since she said that, because I'm extremely, extremely suggestible about a lot of things and really bad about gaging my own emotions and telling if they're real or not, but I've felt a little something about guys. Not specific guys, mind you. No, like, actual people in my school that I find myself crushing on (other than the bizarre invented-crush thing I do when I feel like I should have a crush, or when I'm wondering if I might have a crush, or when I know someone's available........ my mind confuses me a lot. But this happens with girls too, so meh). But I have felt a little something at the pictures of guys on the erotica compilation my friend sends around. (Don't ask... -.-'' ) Not much, and maybe nothing at all, or maybe residual from all the non-guy pics before them, but... yeargh. I tell myself I'm not closing doors, and if I get a major crush on a guy I won't just ignore it, but that gets me wondering if I'll even recognize it, or if I won't realize what it is, or if I'll assume it's nothing, much like a straight person might do in the beginning of a same-sex crush if they were very confident of their sexuality. And so I might be getting a bit hypersensitive to guys... At the same time, I have crushed on girls, but not many (maybe only two real crushes; of those, one was purely physical because she kept fake-groping me, and the other was my best friend). I think I'm a lesbian, and I'd pretty much prefer to be with a girl, but part of me also says that I want to be flat-out gay for either simplicity, or to make a big splash or a statement. Maybe I'm just being an attention whore. Ugh. I'm confused. Comments? Consolation? Advice?

...Hugs?

..........................Chocolate?

Comments

whateversexual_llama's picture

*hugs* *gives chocolate*

*hugs* *gives chocolate* Chin up, dear. Just be proud and stand for what you believe in, and people will come to you. And we're here for you.

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

Duncan's picture

Yea, I know what its like to

Yea, I know what its like to have a dumb homophobe in your school. The way I look at it, homophobes are ussualy being homophobic only to make themselves feel more comfortable. i.e. homosxuality makes them uncomfortable for whatever reason. So yea, I try to remember that. And I know what it's like to feel confused by sexuality, as in what is real, what isn't. What defines me, what is just a passing feeling. Yea, in that way, I understand what you mean.Just give it time, and things will become more and more clear.

Guys are pretty confusing, and apparently drooling over them doesn't really break the ice...

Y - GuRl's picture

dumb people piss me off too

There are a lot of dickheads in the world, most of the time there isn't much you can do but stand up for what you believe in and not let them bring you down. And about the crushes thing, I think almost everyone here can relate to that, I guess you've just gotta stop thinking too far into it because it just gets heaps more confusing. Just take things how they are and it'll be all good eventually :]

-Ruby-'s picture

awww...

cheer up lil bunnie! :o) yeah that guy in ur class sounds like an asshole. just be lucky ur getting taunts and nothing worse... in my hiskewl there was this gay boy and one day he was walking home and these kids threw rocks at him... it was very fucked up.
and in terms of considering urself a lesbian but then wondering what, if anything, these feelings u sometimes have for guys are... i was actually just talking about that yesterday with one of my freinds. basically, i've always secretly had feelings about girls since i was a little kid. i've been with guys before and had the expereince. but now i'm open about liking girls and im totally into them. i cant imagine myself connecting with a man on a physical, emotional and spiritual level... i crush on girls and i dont think i would be satisfied with a man. but i dont know, because im sure in all the billions of guys in the world, there is one that i could love. of course the chance of me finding them is like... slim to none. but i cant logically rule out the possibility. so what the fuck does that make me- gay? bi? gay but hetero-curious? at this point trying to put a lable on myself is more trouble then its worth, so i just say fuck labels. we can say things like "gay" or "straight", but really, matters of the heart are extremely complex and we cant accurately express them thru a simple word. no one will ever really understand what goes on inside me, so trying to use a label to represent it is not a solution. i dont think ur being an "attention whore"- if it seems like ur getting a lot of attention for being queer, its because the world has this wierd fixation on ppl's sexual orientation and is obsessed with trying to categorize us. but people dont always fit neatly into categories, and u shouldnt feel like u have to.

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

I would NOT consider you an attention-whore!

I have been really confused myself lately.
I don't honestly know if I have always been gay, always been hetero and only now just bi, or gay and playing at being hetero/bi. It seems to change for me every day right now, and sometimes it DOES feel like maybe I am just playing at being one or the other for more attention.
As days go on, I am making more and more sense to myself, but just saying bi doesn't seems to completely explain me sometimes. I know that when I was really young I definately had feelings for girls first, and I can remember actively trying to stop having feelings for them. After that, I tried having feelings for guys, actually tried to feel something because I felt like that was what I was supposed to do (my first crush on a Hollywood star was mostly because my best girl friend at the time and I became closer the more we talked about cute guys. I don't think I was interested in guys at all, I just wanted to get closer to her without frightening her).

I do still have feelings for guys, but since I came out as bi, I have to admit that they don't interest me as much as girls do now. This is werid because I had pretty much convinced myself that I was hetero. (Had a bit of a revelation that proved THAT idea wrong, now that's another story.....).

Don't feel bad if nothing makes sense right now. You are not the only one!
Maybe you would feel better with the label "not straight"?

jojojo's picture

ah

ah I am reading so many wise comments here, they are all so affirming to me.
to maianess: don't let anyone annoy you.
to me it doesn't sound like you would fail to recognize a crush on a men (like many narrow-minded so-called straights at first fail to recognize a gay crush). you seem pretty reflective and open. to me it seems you are rather very sensitive and alert to any possible sexual attraction to men.

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)