This is my first journal entry--post--on Oasis. Just the fact that there's a journal here makes this site insanely, insanely awesome. So hi everyone. I'm happy to be here.
That out of the way, it's absolutely ridiculous how hard it is for me to stop loving my best friend. She was the first person I really came out to (and I told her I liked her then, and she apparently liked me back). So, she's basically never stopped crushing on me, and it's the same for me. And we had this long phone conversation where we admitted to pretty much being in love with each other. She thinks we'll get together at some point throughout high school (freshman year here, BTW). And I... don't know. One the one hand, she's my best friend, and absolutely amazing, and I would never want to lose her friendship, ever. On the other, I'm totally in love with the girl. And we saw a musical and during a number or two there was some hand-holding, head-on-shoulder-resting... and it would have been just two very huggy friends, except it wasn't, and I know we both had the same thing on our minds. We went back to my house after because she had to wait to be picked up, and physicality just seemed so natural. And we were just lying on my bed, and she had her head on my legs... Her: "what are you thinking about?" Me: "...how weird it would be to have my first kiss in my bedroom." Her: "Great minds think alike."
She's bi, and currently has boyfriend. And as friends we're equals, and completely on the same plane, but when it comes to love, she's so much more confident and experienced, and if we get into a relationship then I'll... I don't know... lose status? Become inferior? She's always had a bit of sway over me because I'm head over heels in love with her, but she's been talking a little bit like it's that way for her too, so maybe I'm not the only one after all. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, anymore, it's just some abstract concept floating around in my brain that you should probably all ignore. But 'tever. Anyway, I'm just....... confused. If things were to end badly, I don't know what would happen; I'd lose my best friend. I don't know if I could sacrifice our friendship. And if she's my first real best friend, my first true love... how much of my life am I giving to her?
A lot of me says that we shouldn't get together, that we should stay friends. But part of me says I'll never have another chance. And another part of me wonders if I'd be able to say no to her. Argh. I am intensely confused. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Here's hoping no one involved actually reads this! Best,