"LOVE"

Riski_Call92's picture

I did something really fucking crazy yesterday...I cut "LOVE" on my right leg....OxO

Then, a few hours later, I cut "NO" above it, although I'm not sure why I did that. And on Thursday, I reopened my scar from over a year ago.

I tried drawing something short of a star on my knee, but it didn't really work out...O.o;;

But..when I cut "LOVE"...I loved how the blood trickled down my leg...I fucking loved it. I wished I had done it at home, rather than school, cuz I had to go out for P.E....Then I kinda bled on the floor, but I don't think anyone noticed.

...I didn't even last 3 weeks from cutting....The last time I had cut before I started again was something like Jan. 11th..

That's sad.

I just like seeing the blood. I almost get a rush from seeing it trickle down from where I cut myself. Of course, now, having cut "LOVE" on my leg, that hinders me from swimming, so instead, I'm going to a movie. My parents don't exactly know that I started cutting again...I'm just careful to not cut my arms...They freaked out over the cut on my palm... :/

My Prozac isn't working. Whatever. I'm tired of wanting to be saved...I'm tired of people trying to save me. I'm tired of having to do my cutting in secret. I'm tired of being scared that I'm going to be put in a mental ward for where the self harmers go. I'm tired of everything except my job. I'm tired of feeling guilty...

Speaking of feeling guilty...When I saw my counsellor, I told her how I had gotten an urge to cut but I didn't...She told me good job. But she didn't know that I had cut myself..Just not with a blade.. I almost told her...But I'm not telling her. Telling her means not cutting. Telling her means going to some mental ward..Telling her means losing trust..and maybe my job. Telling her means risking everything I've ever set myself up for (life and other shit)...Yeah. I'm tired and cranky from working...Mmm.

Anyways, I'll talk to you guys later, if I don't hit an artery before next time..

~Randi

Comments

milk-tea's picture

hmmm

i would say dont cut, tell someone, and stop yourself.
but its all bullshit, so im not going to say it, or even advise it.
mostly because i am in the same situation as you. (cept i dont have a job, etc.)
yeah, dunno what this comment is about, just saying that someone else is in the same boat too, i guess.
would saying 'good luck' be weird?

"society is crumbling faster than an Oreo cookie being run over by a turqouise freight train."

milk-tea's picture

hmmm

i cut "UGLY" into my arm.
i would say dont cut, tell someone, and stop yourself.
but its all bullshit, so im not going to say it, or even advise it.
mostly because i am in the same situation as you. (cept i dont have a job, etc.)
yeah, dunno what this comment is about, just saying that someone else is in the same boat too, i guess.
would saying 'good luck' be weird?

"society is crumbling faster than an Oreo cookie being run over by a turqouise freight train."

ReinbowGrl's picture

I have cute many many words

I have cute many many words into me over the years. I'd say that you probably shouldn't hit an artery...There's a lot of blood involved. And not so much in a good way. I am a cutter without any artistic skill. I hope things get easier or atleast better for you.

Amy

patnelsonchilds's picture

Well, since no one else is

Well, since no one else is going to say it, I will. Cutting is a symptom of deep emotional problems and poor coping mechanisms. The fact that you seem to be giving up and that you've decided not to seek any help worries me deeply, not just because of the cutting itself, but because it means that whatever is causing you do it is not going to be addressed either.

I hope you'll reconsider telling your therapist and trying again to kick this terrible compulsion. If she's any good, she should be able to help you find healthier ways of coping with your stress, depression...whatever the issues are that are driving you to do this. Sweeping things under the rug doesn't make them go away, sweetie. It just makes them worse and worse. Please give it some more thought.

We love you.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
http://www.patnelsonchilds.com
http://www.samersguild.com