Questioning my sexuality? I thought I was done with that.

Toph's picture

I don't feel like elaborating too much...

Today on the way home, me and my sister-in-law were talking. She knows I'm interested in girls (and doesn't seem to have a problem with it), but she asked me if I think I'd get married. I shrugged and said, "I don't think I will. I don't plant to, but if I meet a guy that I love, then sure, why not? You never know." So she asked me if I was still questioning my sexuality. I just shrugged.

I really don't know. I mean, it's not that I'm insecure about my sexuality anymore. It's just I'm not sure about what applies best to me.

I'd date a girl, kiss her, even make love to her. A boy is a different story. He has to be cute and kind, in the gentle and masculine way. If I date a boy, I want to feel like I'm the "dominant". (Yes, that's not the way a relationship works but usually they come out with a dominant one.) It's hard to explain. Basically, I'd date the non-typical boy, if that makes sense. I dunno, I guess metro? *shrugs* I'd hesitate kissing him, and do whatever I can to avoid sex.

So, I like to call myself lesbian. Girls are my primary target, and I don't want to attract boys by letting them know I'm bi. I can take myself off the menu by declaring myself a lesbian. It's lying, but not really. I mean, I really much rather have a girlfriend. I soft, gentle, curvy, beautiful girlfriend....

So, what do my fellow Oasians think? I'm a wrong calling myself lesbian? What's going on?

808Chik's picture

i'm not too sure. i say

i'm not too sure. i say that it's your decision and no one can judge you for that, something like this isn't easily decided....yeah i know that to some it's like...BAM IM GAY, but it does take awhile for others to realize what they are. by reading your post, i think that you're still questioning yourself and that's fine nothings wrong with that...just don't label yourself anything until you know for sure. (but that's what i think)

"i am who i am, so don't judge me for being myself"

Imstillhere's picture


Nope its not. I have the exact same feeling towards guys and I call myself a lesbian. :)

raining men's picture


From that you sound probably lesbian. Your orientation is based on both emotional and sexual attraction - but emotions and romance are oh-so much more complicated. Very few people understand that, so I wouldn't try. Also you sound as if you like the idea of the relationship more than actually being with a guy.
But sexual attraction is much easier to understand, and if you are avoiding sex with a guy, then that is probably the key thing
I think

"Sexual intercourse began in nineteen sixty-three (which was rather too late for me)"

dykehalo's picture

I can kinda relate to you. I

I can kinda relate to you. I call myself a lesbian but i don't rule out guys. Like if i fall madly in love with a guy i'm not gunna say no i'm a lesbian. Love is love you can't mess with it. I'm just more attracted in everyway to females. And guys just don't turn me on or anything but if i find the right one you never know.

QuakerOats's picture

I totally get this. I

I totally get this. I thought I had settled into being bi, but it was kind of more like having gotten used to it, something always felt a little off. It's only in the past year, I'm 16, that I've realized that I'm primarily attracted to trans and genderqueer people. I still go with bi because I do like some boys and girls, but it feels good to know exactly where I am. I was surprised at still being a little questioning (people frown on it so much-- being undefined is the scariest place to be) but I found that it was only after I relaxed into just going with the flow and not worrying about the label, loving who I loved, that I could really figure it out. It just took time. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I totally get what you're saying, because that is somethign I've felt towards boys and girls at different times.

jojojo's picture

you are not wrong

You are not wrong calling yourself a lesbian.
Everything you wrote is pretty much true for me too, and I also call myself a lesbian. Nobody can KNOW 100% what will happen in the future, how they will feel in the future.
All you write makes a lot of sense to me.

I used to waver between lesbian and bisexual for myself , mostly because I had a very open mind about the future. But then I figured that 'bisexual' usually is understood to mean more than an open mind to the future. I also met people who really are in the present interested in guys and girls (and not just in this hypothetical 'Who knows... maybe' way as I was/am). So I realized that there is a great difference between them and me, and it has confirmed my conclusion that I am lesbian rather than bisexual (or: that 'lesbian' is a better label for me than 'bisexual')

I also agree with QuakerOats that people frown so much upon being questioning.
I think it is good to retain a little bit of a questioning spirit, just in the sense of keeping an open mind about the future. Like, I grew up learning that I will find Mister Right and marry him etc. It was so hard to unlearn that story. And I have to some extent developed new plans, but I never want those new plans to become so prominent and all-encompassing as the old one. I want to remember that things can turn out differently than I planned them.
And advocate a pragmatic attitude towards labels. See which labels are available, and how people react to them, and then pick the best of all alternatives.

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)

taste the rainbow's picture

Same here, for the last 2

Same here, for the last 2 and a half years I thought of myself as bi. I may be a lesbian, but as of the moment I still don't feel comfortable saying that "I am a lesbian" to myself, so for now I just refer to myself as queer. But ya, I feel the same way you do about guys and girls, and I don't think that there's anything wrong saying that you're a lesbian.

"What they don't know can't hurt them

but it sure as hell can hurt me"

Toph's picture

Thanks everyone for your

Thanks everyone for your comments. You always make me feel better about myself. I love it here :D

Now all I have to do is figure out how to come out to my school....
I've dated a boy before, so coming out to them (as a lesbian) may cause some trouble. Maybe I should wait the day before graduation?

Anyway, thanks again

~May the spirits guide your every assure you please her in all the right places XD

poissonrouges's picture

Sounds familiar...

I was in a quasi relationship with my best(guy)friend for awhile and we both still love eachother. I guess it was a bit awkward for him to find out that (whoops!) I'm gay, but he's cool with it now.
Many people question their sexuality and date different people to figure themselves out. So if coming out to your school is important to you, go ahead and do it. Just because you dated a guy doesn't mean you aren't how you feel. And if you're worried about hurting the guy's feelings... Most of them get over it quickly.

I know there's "black sheep," but what about rainbow ones?

Toph's picture

I think he's over the hurt

I think he's over the hurt thing. While we were dating, I told him I was questioning my sexuality. I kept talking about girls and asking him if it was normal and if he thought the same things I did about girls. I think that's why he broke up with me a week after that :P

~May the spirits guide your every assure you please her in all the right places XD

Cleopatra's picture

i guess it is yourself who

i guess it is yourself who can really tell what (in terms of your sexuality, that is) you are. ;)

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. "- Lester Burnham, American Beauty

the mouse that roared's picture


I agree with what most people said. When I come out, I try not to attach a label to it. I'd probably rather be with a girl, but I don't even know if I have a gender. So bi is the best mainstream term without me going into questioning my gender. It doesn't feel like completely the right word, but it leaves all my options, gender and dating, open.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

Ginger's picture

im kinda where youre at. i

im kinda where youre at.
i always think im lesbian, but when i meet certain guys i suprise myself and the following internal convo occurs:
"hey, i kinda like this..... WAIT HES A MAN!"
"Um, penis?"
"oh, well you like men. remember?"
"i do?
i do.
OH YEAH, I LIKE MEN TOO! thanks for the reminder."