fuckin shit fuckety fuck fuck!
i hate this shit. i feel so conflicted, it's my last year of school and i either spend my time cursing the school or professing how much i love it, cos if i'm honest, i love the place, i can't think of anywhere else i'd rather be - i've been looked after there. but half the time i want to turn my back and run and start my new life.
i hate mike. i detest him because he is so popular and clever and smart and does every fucking extracurricular activity, and i hate his ugly fucking girlfriend and i hate him when he's around his stupid mates cos he becomes a slutty, cunt of a root rat.
but i love him, cos when we're alone he doesn't treat me like a 'friend', i'm his 'mate' - something totally different and special in hetero aussie male culture, and i love that. i love his taste in things and hearing what he thinks, and i find it hilarious that he's from a tight laced christian family, but he's willing to play a trashy whore for my photography pieces, and that he has a very dark sexual side, like me.
sometimes i'm around him, and i suddenly get over him. i realize that nothing will happen, and i actually get some distance. but then he smiles at me from across the room in class, when i'm sitting there with a grimace on my face, and i become happy. he makes me happy. i don't want him to be out of my life after grade 12. fuuuuck, what am i going to do.