A what? A journal?

Damon's picture

I have no clue why I am here. I guess I need a place to not be judged or asked what the hell I am doing, a secret place to feel like I am alone and still being heard.
I think if we are honest with ourselves, we all need that. We are so busy putting on a front for our friends and family that we rarely have the chance to just scream out our fears and not be judged.
I am a guy. I am always with my friends and there are always certain unspoken taboos when it comes to being real and after all, isn't that what life is about?
Ok, here's what I mean. I'm sixteen, (well close) and on the soccer team at school. I am taller than the average high school kid at 6'3". I have a fair number of girls chasing after me, all desiring parts of me that I can't even relate to yet. Maybe I am a late bloomer or maybe I will always wonder what sex is all about. The idea of making it with a girl doesn't even enter into the picture for me at this point however, I have been attracted to a few boys I know. Maybe not sexually but more interested in what makes them tic.
It is also possible that I want to know what makes other boys tic so that I can better judge what makes me tic.
Very soon though, I am going to need closure on this concept, I'm sure.
Although I am not into your basic "heffers" and "Bobos", appearance is not as important to me as personality and intelect. I am no genius but guys that drive pick-up trucks and use phrases like "Well hell !" are not my type. Neither are girls that end an argument by saying "Well I'll tell you what for."
I was a recent transplant from the burbs of Los Angeles and now unfortunately living in in a town in Wyoming named after a "friendly ghost". Casper.
Ruraly speaking, it's not bad. They have a barn dance every third Tuesday of the month and the local market has a hotdog eating contest once a year. This is not a good place to come out if you think you just might be gay. (not saying that I am)
Rodeo is big here as it is in most of the cowboy U.S. and getting on a horse and being flung from the thing onto the hard dirt below is not my idea of fun. Still one of the boys that I admire most is a young rodeo rider from Texas. We have met because he was new to my school when I was. We got a chance to lament to each other the horrors of leaving our friends whether they were into rodeo or not.
Dad died a few years ago and Grandma was right behind him. When Grandma died mom was left with this property in Wyoming. A house with four acres (not a lot of land as the locals go) but a nice house where mom was raised with four brothers, none of whom wanted to move to Wyoming. The house is old and haunted to some extent in that Grandma can be seen going up the stairs at night just before bed time. Well so they say.
Still for me, the thought of getting married to Beverly Sue, who lives down the road and having three screaming brats in several years, is scarring me to death. I want options and time. I want to know if James is gay I guess. 'Cause if he is, I can start working on how to tell mom and my three brothers that I won't be contributing to the gene pool.

Comments

Lol-taire's picture

Jesus, you're like something

Jesus, you're like something from a novel (or a made-for-TV movie). How long have you lived in Wyoming for?
And I wouldn't worry, you have more time and more options now than you'll ever have in your entire life. I hope writing here is helpful or at least cathartic in someway. I look foward to reading more from you.

ForeverEndedToday's picture

Confusion sucks, sorry man.

Confusion sucks, sorry man. Best thing is to try not to think about it just go with the flow of what you're feeling. If you ever need to talk you can PM or IM me, welcome to Oasis :-)

Y - GuRl's picture

oh hello there

Nice intro and welcome! Yeah agreed, your life sounds like it would make a great made-for-TV movie. I'm interested in hearing more about ya, you're in the right place for figuring stuf out :]

Ampersand's picture

lifetime original movie

Well hell, welcome! I hope we can help you in whatever way possible. You sound kinda like how i was back in the day. If you ever wanna chat hit me up. I'm a good listener.

patnelsonchilds's picture

Welcome to Oasis. You are in

Welcome to Oasis. You are in good company here. We are all here to support you.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
http://www.patnelsonchilds.com
http://www.samersguild.com